Where ARE you???

My cycles typically last 29 days, post surgery. Before the surgery, could go up to 31 days, but rarely past that. If I did ovulate, I will get AF exactly 14 days later. That's the constant, the LP. If I had/have an anovulatory cycle, who knows when AF will come, right? I put in an "o" cover line on the FF chart to guestimate how many days left in my LP this cycle, so my dpo at CD 31 is 11, but is a guess at best. Used the 2nd day of cramping I had end of April. IF that cramping was O cramping... makes me where I am today.

My 1st and 2nd PG, I tested at probably 15-20 dpo and got my BFP. My last PG I tested at what I thought was 12 dpo and had my BFP. All three times when I thought AF due, but not here.

Last time I was "late" with constant BFN's, turned out I o'd really late so my 2ww turned into a 3ww and AF showed up 5 days later then expected.

All I know is I don't have AF here presently, and consider myself now late, but I also know the 2 tests have been BFN, which probably makes it more likely I'm not PG, just a late O and AF will be along shortly.

Then a tiny voice tells me, maybe it's a bad batch of tests. FRER tests have usually always been pretty honest to me. So a BFN, while disappointing, is probably the truth.

I have 1 answer test and I may use it tomorrow, but then that leaves me open to disappointment a 3rd day in a row.

Would be lovely to have a mother's day BFP, but a mother's day BFN?? I don't want to be moody and sad tomorrow, you know?

I haven't been sad about the BFN's just more baffled. If it's BFN, then where is AF already?

It's an exciting and frustrating time for me. The not knowing, I get to "be pregnant" at least a little longer... If AF comes, it's a nasty slap to reality that I'm not.

So for now I'm in my moment. Taking it with stride. Enjoying my imaginary symptoms, and hoping those imagined become true and real soon enough. Maybe it's my turn, maybe not. Just going with the flow (hah! Pun) so to speak.

Moody moody moody!

I'm crabby today, and was last night too. Maybe starting the weight loss plan this week was a bad idea. Family coming in, DH's MBA graduation Friday, much to still do, and tons of stress there.

Then, Will AF be here tomorrow or not????

Since last night I didn't eat nearly enough, I got to treat myself to a small ice cream for dessert, but DH went over his budget so he couldn't have any. I felt like a dirt bag for eating in front of him, and emotions were high. He really wanted dessert but knew he needed to resist, and put his big boy pants on. I am really proud of him, but felt like crap at the same time.

Bad Me!

Oh and I'm breaking out (acne) in weird places... back of my neck, frown lines near my mouth and one in my ear! WTH? I don't usually break out when AF comes, so I have no clue what that's all about.

I'm not craving chocolate, hope that is a good sign too.

I checked my CM last night expecting it to seem more EW as that's the way it seems just before AF, but nope. Was sticky-ish/cream.

To sum up: moody, clumsy, oddish break outs, no chocolate cravings, no sore bb, and sticky-ish cm last evening.

All of this to mess with my head I think. I predict AF will not be here tomorrow (as scheduled), but will come, and be late enough to drive me insane!

Eat LESS and EXERCISE

We're trying the "eat less and exercise" method. lol. This is what I did when I lost the 70 pounds to get PG with Natalya. Yes, 70 pounds! Sadly since having her 4.5 years ago, I've gained back most of it. Sigh. I'm needing to start all over. I remember everything feeling better when I was thinner, and would like to get to there again. I have no excuse anymore. We have a fitness center in our apt, right across the hall from us. And yet we've never used it! LAME!

Looking at my food journal for today, I think my problem is the same as before, I'm not eating enough. Therefore I go into starvation survival mode and store my fat, instead of losing it. Maybe I'll ride the exercise bike tonight? Or at least pull out the Wii Fit! Got to start somewhere.

I just know that when I get home, my child is on high energy, and it's exhausting. By time she's finally in bed (8ish) I'm spent. I take my shower, and climb into bed to watch a little TV with Craig until I can manage to fall asleep.

Lazy lifestyle at best.

You know, I made a resolution to work on my health this year. Operation, done; check. Now time to do this. I've been putting it off for too long. Today is the day! (now to see if I can back up all this "talk")

Easter Weekend

Hoppy Easter everyone.

Today I get to go shopping for Easter. I knew I'd end up doing it! It's not even my holiday. Oh well, Craig can still go pick out the Ham 'cause I wouldn't know where to begin.

That's my exciting lunch plans today. No lunch date today as Natalya is on spring break and is hanging out with Craig at his office today. It's okay, I got to go out with him twice last week and we're having fun in the bedroom finally, so I think the weekly date is helping our relationship.

Happy Friday... (it is friday, right??)

And have a great Easter Weekend if you celebrate it! :)

Concerns

Concerns with having a second... in 2006 when Natalya was born, there was no doubt in my mind I wanted another. We tried, got PG, and had that devastating loss in 2008. Tried again, with another loss this year. 5 years have past since I had no doubt in my mind. I just turned 38. I work full time. Natalya is soon out of daycare and into kindergarten. Much new freedom is just around the corner with out having another baby.

I hated potty training, I am not good with sibling rivalry/friendship rivalry, and I question some days my ability to do it all again, as it was so hard this first time around and I'm not getting younger. Our home is too small for a 2nd child, we'd have to get a bigger place. We got rid of all of DD's baby stuff, so again, having to start all over. I have zero time off at work for the rest of this calendar year thanks to my surgery, and don't know if we could afford me coming off income to care for a small baby again.

If it was hard at 35, certainly it's harder at 39, which is how old I'll be if I get PG right now and carry full term. I never wanted to be a new mom again at 40. I figured at 40, I'd have 2 small children in Pre-K and Elementary school. No more diapers or potty seats. It just seems that I'm already battling age issues. I don't see as well anymore and am looking into reading glasses and/or a bifocal. I am less patient, and this seems to get worse the older I get. I have aches and pains associated with getting older. I have friends my age, and within 10 years of my age becoming grandparents!

But then I think how lovely another one would be. And that yes we've tried and tried and have met failure, but maybe there is one more opportunity to be successful. And with Craig now done with school, we may get to move/relocate near family, so I wouldn't feel all alone.

As difficult as it is when they are young, my goodness how rewarding they are when they're older and you become more than parent and child, but friends too.

I wonder if I have the inner strength to do it all over again. I wonder if Craig does as well. He feels that in 2006, yes, that was the correct decision, having another one, but we tried... TWICE, and it didn't work. Must just not be meant to be, and how lucky we are to have the one we have. She's great, and perfect, and he's come to peace with having an only child.

I do still toss and turn over this issue, and haven't found my peace or my answer. Do I really WANT another one, or do I just like the IDEA of another one? It's a big questions, and I just don't know how to figure out the answer. Suppose time will tell. The clock will run out or I'll find myself PG and rolling with it.

It's a struggle to figure out what is right for me, for Craig, for US. I've stopped tracking my cycles, not really using that feature on FF anymore. I know when I'm fertile, and when I'm not (more or less).

I know I can get pregnant, now I wish I knew if I should.

How do you make this decision? How do you find peace with your resolve? I wish I could just say with 100% certainty that yes we want another, or no, our family is complete.

Tina Fey is Pregnant!

Just heard the Tina Fey is pregnant. This made me sad for me. Is that weird? Guess I identify with her, close in age, and our daughter's are also close in age. Like looking into a crystal ball. Is her present, my soon to be future? Still, happy for her, I guess, but was taken back by the news. I go back and forth on whether a 2nd child is the right decision for my family. It's really been a struggle to have a definite yes or no. Of course lop on sleep deprivation, that can mess with my head too.

Working for the Weekends again!! :)

Hi All! Been a busy week (love it)! Made it to FRIDAY! Woot! Another Friday, another lunch date with Hubby, except today we're "shopping" not eating. I don't much care what we do as long as we're spending time together.

It's beautiful out, and warming up, so I'm getting excited to get outside. Next week is my birthday and DH is taking me to my favorite restaurant for lunch (fancy) and then we're going out that night to see "Your Highness" while DD stays home with a babysitter. Super excited to see a R rated movie at night without kid in tow. Truly all I wanted for my birthday. lol.

Craig officially has his MBA. Got an "A" for his final project, and now we just wait for the ceremony on May 6. But he can now call him self an MBA graduate. So proud of him, and very happy to have him back on the weekends. So much is going to get done now, and a little relief when taking on the 4 year old. Won't have to keep going at it alone. :D

Oh and yes, feeling much better. Nasty Cold! It lasted about a week and a half. Still a little gunky, but not at all the same caliber as it was before.

So what's the plan for this weekend??? We're taking a load of stuff over to goodwill. Spring purging so to speak... aka take back my house! Then maybe will try "bowling" with DD for the first time. Could be fun or a disaster, not sure which. We've given up on Gymnastics. She's just not into it, and I don't have the energy to force her to go anymore. At least I'm only out the $30. Could have been much worse.

Working for the weekends again. Feels nice to be looking forward to weekend fun again. I could get used to this really fast!

Hope you all have a great Friday and fun weekends too.