At home

I am still really tired and sore from the D&C yesterday. My throat is so dry and painful. You'd think they removed a tonsil or something.

So I'm home today, chilling out in bed and just a serious down day.

I also changed my FF chart to make the D&C day CD1. I have to have one regular cycle before we can try again. So I'm semi tacking this month, and will break out the condoms (dust them off) for this cycle. I really miss DH.

Once I get a new AF, a real AF, I guess I can go for it and get back to TTC again.

We've been trying for a 2nd take home baby since 2008. You're not suppose to have 2 devastating losses back to back! So third time's going to have to be the charm?

OB said if no go in 2-3 cycles, call the RE and get the Clomid. Guess my eggs may just be getting to old and shriveled up and need a boost.

D&C scheduled

My D&C is now scheduled. 11am tomorrow (8/26/10). I check in at 9am.

Today I'm bleeding. Like a real flow day with AF.

Hurts too. Yay for advil, but I do have to be careful with that. It's harsh on my ulcer. The lessor of two evils, right?

I stopped counting my weeks and did everything I could to make all the PG bulletin reminders go away. For me it helps me to move on. There is also a private room at my work I can go to, to cry and be alone. Thank goodness.

I'm off work the rest of this week and I'm certain to get questions when I'm back.

Luckily, only 3 people knew at work, and they all know about the loss. no one else knew so I won't have to tell it over and over. Just told the rest I was feeling off, having the Dr. run some tests. So will just tell them, tests were run, had a procedure and should be back to normal soon. Just blaming my ulcer. Sometimes it's good to have a chronic condition.

Oh and guess who wants to talk to me now? Mom! Remember how less than thrilled she was when I told her I was PG? Now she's all chatty. Honestly she hasn't said one word to me since we told her I was PG a month ago! Don't know if I should stay pissed, or just roll my eyes and be happy she's back.

She's on the phone now singing me Country Road by John Denver. Really??? I appreciate what's she's doing, but can I please hang up now??

I think she's feeling guilty for not being there for me before and is trying to make up for it now. She's a sweet women when she wants to be. I appreciate her, but would have appreciated her a little earlier. Just thinking about it makes me cry again. Damn PG hormones.

Get this stuff out of me!!

I tell you what... If we do get lucky to get PG again, she's not going to be high on the who to tell list. DH jokes we call her the night before my sked c/s. lol.

Family?! Right?? At least you can choose your friends.

Going to take another Valium and get some rest. If I'm sleeping I can't feel anything.

A Poem from tictac2010

Thanks you my friend for sharing this poem with me. I hope we both find a new sticky bean soon.

Be well in the healing. I am so thankful for you and for everyone to lean on for support.

ANGEL FRIENDS ....

A beautiful little angel showed up to heaven's gate,
Confused and unknowing the plan that for him awaits
Then another little angel walked up and took his hand,
And said, please don't be sad you left ,youre in the promised land".
"I'm glad to be here but I do not think I was to go,
Perhaps there was a mistake, for my mommy wanted me so!"
The flute greeting angel gave a sweet smile and said,
"My mommy wanted me too, but to heaven I was led.
You see, we do not get to choose when on earth it's time to go.
He gave us life,, love and joy and a mothers womb to grow.
The lord still needs new angels to guide them down on earth.
To watch aver, comfort them, and help them see their worth."
"Is there still a way that I can sleep in my mommy`s bed?"
The greeting angel grinned and said, "That luxury you will keep
I visit my mommy nightly and softly sing her to sleep.
The flute angel replied, "Then I think I'll like it here.
I'll visit my mommy nightly and weaken her pain and fears
I love her and will keep her safe at night and in between,
And let her know with a sweet memory that she is still with me.
The greeting angel gave the new friend a hug and said,
"Until our mommy's meet us here, let's be best angel friends
"Okay," said the new angel, "that sounds good me."
Then the angels sat and played keeping their mommy's in sight,
Humming the tune to the song they would sing to their mommy's tonight.

It's over.

It's over. No HB, and baby stopped growing last week. Going to have a D&C on Thursday if I haven't gotten this all out before then. I don't know what to feel right now.

I feel empty and broken

No cramping. Stomach knots from nerves, but no "official" cramping thus far today. The bleeding does not soak a pad. But it does clot up on the TP and a but in the toilet. Getting heavier as the day progresses, but still considered light. Last U/S did not show anything remotely close to a SCH. That was on 8/13 (11 days ago). Would something like that form so quickly? I noticed the first signs of spotting on Saturday, but Sunday was nothing, so shrugged it off. Now I wonder if there is a connection? Just feel so empty and broken. Why can't I bring home another baby?

About to leave (in ten min.) for the scan.

Bleeding stopped?!?

I'm mostly confused this morning. The bleeding seems to have stopped. I wore a pad last night to catch all this blood, and nothing. Stark white. No cramps this morning either. I just don't know what is going on. I swear getting PG after a loss is so stressful. I'm waiting for my OB office to call me back this morning.

Update:
Bleeding/spotting back on as of 9:30am. :( Going in for u/s at 1:30pm today. Will keep you all posted.

Bleeding

This can't be "just one of those things". I'm bleeding. Not spotting, but bleeding. Red blood. No cramps, blood on the TP, looks like the early days of AF. Crap! Don't think I'm going to make it to Friday, and when Friday is here, all it's going to do is confirm what I already know. My baby is gone. Again! Why can't I bring home children anymore? Don't know if I can take this pain again. I know I've been "preparing for the worst" but really who does that? I'm devastated. I terrified to tell Natalya. I don't know if I can try again. It's so heartbreaking. How do you NOT get attached?

ETA: just as soon as I say I'm not cramping, I start to have cramps. Will I lose this baby tonight? I'm so sad. I feel that going to the ER is pointless. They can't do anything to stop this. I feel powerless and defeated.