Words Sting

talking solved nothing tonight. however we both agreed to keep talking, thinking, and being gentle. lots of tears from me tonight, and a bit of a scare about the solidity of my marriage.

DH questioned our sex life, wondering if we're better roommates. That really hurt. He said he feels the only reason we get together anymore is to make baby, and with me changing the timeline, I'm being selfish. That his wants, needs, fears, etc. don't matter because I just want another baby so badly.

Words sting.

He's perfectly happy with us not having another natural made baby. Maybe we'd adopt in the future. He just doesn't want to deal with me being preggo while he's graduating. Actually said he was being selfish, but didn't want to share the spotlight. (He graduates in May). He had thought we'd wait 6 months, he'd get this new job (which he hasn't even applied to/found yet) and then we'd go nutso in the baby dancing dept.

I told him it was unfair to make me endure this pain until he's ready, if he'll ever be ready. And that if he wanted to wait a year, we might as well just decide to be done now so I can move forward with figuring out what the heck is wrong with me and have what ever surgery needs to happen to feel whole again.

I told him I'm scared to lose my uterus. Not just because of the finality of not making anymore children, but that it's such a huge part of me. I told him I hate that I'm broken, but we said for better or for worse, sicker and poorer, etc.

I think he was speaking from pure emotion, not thinking before letting the words spill out. He felt bad after he spoke. We agreed to keep thinking, talking, and figuring all this out together.

I've been married for 7 years, but have had DH in my life for 17 years. I don't want to wake up and not have him be a part of my life. I for the first time ever, am worried about my marriage. I don't want another baby so bad, as to lose my best friend and husband in the process. I'm scared, I'm in pain, and now my heart is aching too.

When he is finished with this class (1 more week) we'll really be able to dig in and have a go at figuring this mess out.

ETA: It's been a rough 24 hours, for sure. I know this is a rough patch, and there will have to be some compromise. I am supposed to talk with my OB tomorrow afternoon. I will ask lots more questions, including getting on BCP to chill the cycle while we figure all of this out. Maybe we hold off a few months, and then try. Maybe when we do try, we use IUI to speed up the process. Don't really know. Just hate how we're both right and both wrong. Life get's too complicated sometimes.