Wish I was a better mommy.

And questioning my parenting skills. I let my Natalya get away with everything. I'm letting her be a spoiled kid. It's my fault, not hers, and I don't know what to do to nip this all in the bud.

She knows that if she wants something, all she has to do is cry, whine, and scream, and she'll get it. I'll do anything to get her to stop whining and crying. She knows it gets to me and I don't know what to do about it. I hate to hear her cry, but I also hate being manipulated. I feel like I'm a terrible parent. I can't seem to do a good job with one, how am I ever going to be able to take care of two.

Maybe that's why I keep having pregnancy losses. Maybe it's the universes way of keeping me in check. Just be happy with the ONE kid you have, because you can barely handle that.

Am I a hack parent? How can I keep my kid from being a brat and manipulating me? I try my hardest and feel like I'm a huge failure.

How do I get her to behave? How do I get her to eat? How do I get her to be NICE to US?

I don't like all the yelling from either of us. I hate the tension in the house. I hate being so drugged up that I lack the energy/strength to take her out to play. I hate everything about the way I feel, emotionally and physically.

This ~ in a nutshell ~ SUCKS.

I want my little girl to love me and respect me and I want to love and hug, and kiss her and give her everything she needs and deserves. I need her to not walk all over me and understand that if/when she misbehaves, she IS going to get in trouble. I'm just pathetic with my follow-through and she knows it.

Ok, thanks for the vent. On the good side, I'm guilty of loving her too much. I'm guilty of just wanting her to be happy, healthy, and all around a great kid.

Maybe we (her dad and I) need to put things into real perspective. Maybe it's time to whittle down the ridiculous amounts of toys, and non-essentials. Maybe that would help "get her grounded".

I just don't know, and figure, no one is really going to tell me. I just needed a place to journal my thoughts, pain, sadness, and frustration.