Questioning my inner strength

Now that I've had 2 back to back loses spread out over two years, I am finding myself questioning if I even have the inner strength to try again. Today i wonder, what's the point? It's only going to end bad, and why am I so obsessed with another child anyway? I mean, I have a great child and I'm blessed to have her.

Shouldn't she be enough? Some days it's really hard to parent her. What am I thinking wanting a 2nd one? I'd have to deal with all the things I didn't like all over again. Potty training again??

Then I think about the wonder of holding a new little life, so dependent, and so unconditionally loving. How could I NOT want that again?

But can I get there? Do I have the strength for more upset, pain, heartache, disappointment, failure? Would I actually be able to bring home another baby? Or is this all a waste of time?

I'm not getting younger, and I'm thinking I'm just out of time and having to wait to TTC again (thanks to this hematoma) is just adding to my frustration. I fear the longer we have to wait, the less enthusiastic I'll be for TTC.

Is that even true? Am I just still hormonal? Why can't I feel normal?

Sigh.

More cute-ness

My nearly 4 year old, sacked out just before dinner. As she like's to say, Oopsie! Hope she doesn't wake up at 2am wanting to eat. Craig is going to get her into her bed shortly, just had to take a photo.

Stuck

Thought I'd see how long I could go without pain pills today. Was hoping I'd feel great, thus don't need, thus can get back to work. I made it to 1:30pm, then had to take a pill. Wish it was fast acting. :/

It's a sharp stabbing pain. ugh. Don't know if I WILL make it to the office tomorrow now. I'm getting so stir crazy. I think once I too feel normal again, I can move past all of this. Presently, I just sort of feel stuck.

Fat I am

Have to just vent... I still seriously am swollen and still can't zip up my pants. It's not right/fair to have to cont. to wear the bella band when there is no baby. I'm just FAT now. And feeling blah, physically, emotionally, just all around. I'm sure the swelling is from the bruise and all, but it's just so depressing. You know?

Wish I was a better mommy.

And questioning my parenting skills. I let my Natalya get away with everything. I'm letting her be a spoiled kid. It's my fault, not hers, and I don't know what to do to nip this all in the bud.

She knows that if she wants something, all she has to do is cry, whine, and scream, and she'll get it. I'll do anything to get her to stop whining and crying. She knows it gets to me and I don't know what to do about it. I hate to hear her cry, but I also hate being manipulated. I feel like I'm a terrible parent. I can't seem to do a good job with one, how am I ever going to be able to take care of two.

Maybe that's why I keep having pregnancy losses. Maybe it's the universes way of keeping me in check. Just be happy with the ONE kid you have, because you can barely handle that.

Am I a hack parent? How can I keep my kid from being a brat and manipulating me? I try my hardest and feel like I'm a huge failure.

How do I get her to behave? How do I get her to eat? How do I get her to be NICE to US?

I don't like all the yelling from either of us. I hate the tension in the house. I hate being so drugged up that I lack the energy/strength to take her out to play. I hate everything about the way I feel, emotionally and physically.

This ~ in a nutshell ~ SUCKS.

I want my little girl to love me and respect me and I want to love and hug, and kiss her and give her everything she needs and deserves. I need her to not walk all over me and understand that if/when she misbehaves, she IS going to get in trouble. I'm just pathetic with my follow-through and she knows it.

Ok, thanks for the vent. On the good side, I'm guilty of loving her too much. I'm guilty of just wanting her to be happy, healthy, and all around a great kid.

Maybe we (her dad and I) need to put things into real perspective. Maybe it's time to whittle down the ridiculous amounts of toys, and non-essentials. Maybe that would help "get her grounded".

I just don't know, and figure, no one is really going to tell me. I just needed a place to journal my thoughts, pain, sadness, and frustration.

Long weekend

Just when I think I'm superwoman, and stop taking these medicines, I get a lovely reminder that I'm not. Had to sit down 'cause felt like I was just kicked in the stomach again. Craig is super tired and I'm a sloth not being able to help with Taly and the house. I hate it. I'm so hoping to be able to return to work on Tuesday, but have to wait and see. Ugh.

Follow up scan today

And there is still a bruise. Kind of nasty looking actually. At least it's not POC, and it didn't get bigger. So that's the good news. The bad news... can't TTC until it's completely gone. Boo. Have to go back in another month to do a re-scan to see if it's gone/smaller, etc.

Still spotting, and apparently I'm going to go from spot to bleed to spot to bleed, for a while.

OB gave me a script for codeine tylenol, but have to sort out my new health insurance before I can get it filled. Sent a note to my HR mgr, and hoping to get the needed info before the long weekend.