Renewed Hope

I had the MRI on Wednesday and the results are now in. My OB called and informed me it's not as bad as they all previously thought, but that I will need a laprscopic robotic surgery to remove it. Just the mass, not the uterus. Once it's out, and some time to heal, I can get back to TTC, just have to have a c-section for delivery when we get to that point. So while I'm not looking forward to another surgery, there is a bit of renewed hope now.

Just got my percocet refilled. This is getting old.

Yes, once again, it's period time and it hurts like hell. My OB will have a refill slip for me to pick up tomorrow when I go in for the MRI. Now they think I have leftover baby from my D&E back in 2008 when I lost Alice. Why it went on for 2 years unnoticed and suddenly has manifested since my D&C in 2010??? That's a good question, don't you think?

Not thinking it's a "fibroid" but acting like a fibroid. Maybe as simple a fix as another D&C? Maybe just cut the uterus out and be done with all of this.

I'm in pain, doped up at home 'cause I hurt too much to go into the office. I can't keep doing this. Talking a day off because my period is here. I can't be a good worker, good wife, good mother like this.

I feel defeated, and broken, and just don't really know what to do next. It all seems so overwhelming.

MRI tomorrow, hopefully will have some answers and course of action to set in motion. As I stated to my OB on the phone, I can't live like this.

See you on Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=268982&id=603269834&l=c6f2c979a7
Link to my FB Photo Album with pics of Natalya on Roller Skates for the very first time.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=268462&id=603269834&l=8a3dd05459
Christmas 2010

Also...
ME on FB, if you wanted to friend me, just note I know you from FF. :)
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=603269834

Dammit. She's early!

I'm confused. I have AF starting today. ??? That makes my LP only 8 days. If you go by my LP always being 12-14 days, then I ovulated on the last day of AF this cycle?? And since I never Ovulate until CD 15 to 17, I just figured my O date was around that. I've never had a full cycle only be 25 days in total, especially with my flow lasting 10 days this time.

So yeah, I'm confused and a bit pissed. I've got a cold, so have held off being with DH figuring I have another week before AF comes, and with us both being off Monday and DD in daycare, thought we'd have an "us" day. He's been very patient with me, and now AF is here? And early?? WTH?

Which means the cramps from hell will be here tomorrow. I'm so frustrated. And a bit PO'd to boot.

Shocker I'm in a cranky mood today. Don't have to heart to tell DH AF is here today. I'm using an instead cup, and hope to get with him one more time before it get's too bad. Maybe tonight when DD goes to sleep. Day 1 hopefully won't be too messy. I know, yuck, right?

Merry Christmas

Hi Everyone, hope Christmas is coming to a nice end. We had quite a busy day. Up before the crack of dawn for gift opening, off to meals on wheels to deliver food (DD was a cranky pill, but kind of got into it toward the end.), then back home to nap and watch fun family movies. I got Despicable Me, and we just finished watching. Rather, DD watched and me and DH snoozed.

DH just brought me some hot tea. And he's cooking up dinner now. Think we're saving the steaks, since we're both fighting really bad colds. I've even lost my voice. Ha!

I got $200 to spend in GC at Lane Bryant (yay) and we're joking that I should be able to get 1 shirt with that. Not a cheap fat lady store, but really nice clothes that fit me. I should probably be able to get $200 to spread out well I suspect. Also got lots of new DVDs and I love movies so I'm pretty happy about that too. Oh and new slippers. :)

DH got LOTS more from me, and I think he feels bad, but really I'm happy with the gifts I got, and it was fun to watch him open my gifts to him.

DD likes most of what she got, but had us cracking up when she opened the box of clothes. She looked at the clothes, and said: Clothes?!? Dammit. We were ROTF! Was a funny moment. Now who taught her that word? (probably DH)

I'm tired, my back hurts and I'm bored

I've been doing more researching on this thing in my uterus. I really need to find something more positive to look at at the moment though. This not having anything to do between the hours of 9-5 and sometimes 6 sucks.

I'm so tired, I could collapse at my desk. I've been pretty nauseous in the evenings this past week, and having extremely painful back pain (which I've read will also get progressively worse as long as this thing is still in me and growing.) So I've been taking vicodin to get through the evenings, but it's making me really tired during waking hours.

Just need a good pain free puke feeling free night to re-charge my batteries.

Season's Greetings

Tonight we successfully did the Santa Photo. We told DD we were going out to dinner at the mall, and SURPRISE, there is Santa. What a nice coincidence. LOL. So we did the photo, dinner (happy meal happiness) then had DD pick out a girl and boy toy to buy and then put in the toys for tots barrel. Was a nice evening. So here's the photo/holiday card from us this year (we're just emailing/FBing it this year considering how this month turned out).

So here it is in all it's glory (click thumbnail):

Message from Santa to Natalya

Click here for a special Message from Santa to Natalya

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/mOUaOD2bRjLv_LAlObmwXQ

Made this from the pnp site again this year. Hoping Natalya will love it again.

My Year in Photos

Date Night Do-Over

Shopping is DONE! Now to get to the wrapping, baking, finishing the decorating (Found the missing box of holiday decorations tonight), making & scanning the x-mas family photo to all our friends and family (afraid we didn't end up having enough time to get cards out in the mail this year), and at least one more Costco run to get x-mas dinner and stocking candy...

This weekend is a date night do-over. We're looking to do a make up from last weekend (when I got sick and had to cancel date night). Natalya will be going to a friends home for the afternoon on Saturday. She'll bake x-mas cookies and help decorate them, play with two other little kids and a handful of older ones, and DH and I (fx) will finally get over to the movie theater to see Harry Potter.

I think Sunday we're going to brave the mall and attempt to get the santa photo. Yup, we're just that late. The nice thing though, is we don't have to "buy" anything at the mall, so will be going JUST for santa.

That and lots of laundry and gift wrapping to get to. Maybe even playing in the snow!

Not Fair

O pain again this month. 2nd month ever with O-pain (ovulation pain). So unfair. Now that my body is giving me this glorious indicator of ovulation, I can't use it!!!

Snowing Again

I'm at work today, yup made it in after all. It's snowing again, and going to be quite an accumulation over this week. So hoping the look outside will help me find my Christmas happy mood.

A co-worker today asked if Craig and I were better now after talking and I got to explain to her, there wasn't anything to talk about now, well, right now. And that my reality is that my baby making days are over. I got choked up. I think saying the words out loud finally hit home. I wish I could be home right now. Feeling sorry for myself, and not having much to do at the office isn't helping me from hiding from my thoughts.

You'd think with all the "extra" work, I'd have plenty to do. Damn me for being too fast at what I do. I powered through last week, and now here I am feeling dumb for having done so.

I think I'll bring a box in tomorrow and begin packing for my office move. I am supposed to move somewhere else the end of this month. One of two locations as a possibility. What is constant is that I will be leaving my present desk, so may as well begin cleaning out the clutter and boxing up my stuff.

Maybe I should bring in gifts to wrap here too. I know I should probably help out the "team" and pull from them, but the scrooge in me doesn't wanna.

Ok pitty party over, off to find something semi-productive to do for the next 2.5 hours.

Under Attack

Today I am under attack. Ulcerative Colitis attack, and it's a bad one. Have to postpone date night. I feel so weak today, and I'm annoyed that I had to have a flare up now. I wanted to go out with Craig so badly, but now I'm stuck in bed with a heating pad.

The worst part is my daughter thinks it's her fault. It's not at all her fault. I hate letting her down, but this isn't anyones fault, just happens. I hope to get my strength back ASAP. This is not the time of year to be down and out. Too much to do, you know?

Annoyed

Just found out that the health insurance plan I'm on ends Jan 31, so I have to find a new plan. Yay! My company has a high deductible plan I can go on, but it's not going to be cheap. Guess it's better than nothing. And now it seems I'm going to be spending some money on tests and procedures, so I ought to get this all figured out sooner than later. For sure I'm going to get as much done in Dec/Jan that I can.

Now for my rant:

Why do people in my real life tell me "not to worry until I have something to worry about"? Like that sound advice changes anything?

I
D O
H A V E
S O M E T H I N G
T O
W O R R Y
A B O U T !!!!

Presently, I am in pain. There IS this nasty mass hanging out in my uterus that's getting bigger. I'm on CD 10 and my period is still going strong. In fact, it's picked up the flow, and today I'm up to medium flow. Periods should not bleed this long.

Today my back hurts, my stomach hurts, I have a splitting headache, and my ulcer kicked in thanks to the added stress.

Sometimes Facebook sucks. You make a simple comment, and everyone in my family jumps on me, telling me I'm making much ado about nothing.

>:(
>:(
>:(

MRI scheduled 12/29 at noon

We're on the schedule for a MRI on Wednesday, 12/29 at noon. Craig and I will both take the day off, just easier I think.

All this stress hasn't done my ulcer any favors today. I'm going to cash a free 1 hr off work coupon and head out at 3pm. I have to pick up Natalya from preschool early anyway. Just easier to take her home and have hot chocolate, then bring her back to my office for an hour.

Sigh...........

My Hematoma has a new name...

Adenomyosis.

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Adenomyosis
http://women.webmd.com/adenomyosis-symptoms-causes-treatments

Hate it when life comes at you hard.

My head is still spinning. Baby making back on hold, doctors orders.

Looks like what my OB thought probably wasn't an issue is turning into an issue. The meeting of the minds now suggests I have something called "Adenomyosis".

The cause is unknown. Sometimes adenomyosis may cause a mass or growth within the uterus, which is called an adenomyoma.

This is what they think is happening to me, and if it is, 1) I won't be able to support a pregnancy; automatic m/c, 2) will continue to grow, making my uterus grow = no good, and 3) will have to come out either via robotic surgery, or full blown hysterectomy.

The next step is to have a MRI done. Just the thought of that process has me scared.

At least DH is being supportive again. He was soft and gentile tonight and after I got off the phone with my OB, I asked him to come over to me. I told him I needed to put the fight on hold, cause I was scared and needed him to hold me.

FWIW... he did.

So what IS Andenomuosis?

"Adenomyosis is uterine thickening that occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, moves into the outer muscular walls of the uterus.

The cause is unknown. Sometimes adenomyosis may cause a mass or growth within the uterus, which is called an adenomyoma.

Symptoms
Long-term or heavy menstrual bleeding
Painful menstruation , which gets increasing worse
Pelvic pain during intercourse

Treatment
Most women have some adenomyosis as they near menopause but few women have symptoms, and most women don’t require any treatment.
In some cases, pain medicine may be needed. Birth control pills and a progesterone-containing intrauterine device (IUD) can help decrease heavy bleeding.
A hysterectomy may be necessary in younger women with severe symptoms."

So this is what I'm dealing with. I'm the "younger woman with severe symptoms". Great.

Back on baby making hold, until more tests run. Hoping to have the MRI before the end of January.

Hopefully birth control pills can chill it out while we go through the tests, and then we'll see what we need to do next.

So... I'm scared, and trying not to get too ahead of myself. I am freaked out though.

Words Sting

talking solved nothing tonight. however we both agreed to keep talking, thinking, and being gentle. lots of tears from me tonight, and a bit of a scare about the solidity of my marriage.

DH questioned our sex life, wondering if we're better roommates. That really hurt. He said he feels the only reason we get together anymore is to make baby, and with me changing the timeline, I'm being selfish. That his wants, needs, fears, etc. don't matter because I just want another baby so badly.

Words sting.

He's perfectly happy with us not having another natural made baby. Maybe we'd adopt in the future. He just doesn't want to deal with me being preggo while he's graduating. Actually said he was being selfish, but didn't want to share the spotlight. (He graduates in May). He had thought we'd wait 6 months, he'd get this new job (which he hasn't even applied to/found yet) and then we'd go nutso in the baby dancing dept.

I told him it was unfair to make me endure this pain until he's ready, if he'll ever be ready. And that if he wanted to wait a year, we might as well just decide to be done now so I can move forward with figuring out what the heck is wrong with me and have what ever surgery needs to happen to feel whole again.

I told him I'm scared to lose my uterus. Not just because of the finality of not making anymore children, but that it's such a huge part of me. I told him I hate that I'm broken, but we said for better or for worse, sicker and poorer, etc.

I think he was speaking from pure emotion, not thinking before letting the words spill out. He felt bad after he spoke. We agreed to keep thinking, talking, and figuring all this out together.

I've been married for 7 years, but have had DH in my life for 17 years. I don't want to wake up and not have him be a part of my life. I for the first time ever, am worried about my marriage. I don't want another baby so bad, as to lose my best friend and husband in the process. I'm scared, I'm in pain, and now my heart is aching too.

When he is finished with this class (1 more week) we'll really be able to dig in and have a go at figuring this mess out.

ETA: It's been a rough 24 hours, for sure. I know this is a rough patch, and there will have to be some compromise. I am supposed to talk with my OB tomorrow afternoon. I will ask lots more questions, including getting on BCP to chill the cycle while we figure all of this out. Maybe we hold off a few months, and then try. Maybe when we do try, we use IUI to speed up the process. Don't really know. Just hate how we're both right and both wrong. Life get's too complicated sometimes.

SIS Update - not great news

My news isn't so great. I had my "fluid" test today, and the recommendation is hysterectomy, sooner than later, but the when is up to me and how much pain I can endure.

Meaning, my periods are going to stay nasty and continue to get progressively worse each month. She (my OB) gave me more percocet, and will be following up with me Thur after she reviews my diagnosis with the other experts at the practice.

The good news, we're ok to try and conceive immediately, and it was her recommendation to do so. (However, my husband really wanted to hold off, and now that needs to be re-addressed) Then after the PG ends, take the uterus at that point. So the news is bitter sweet. The mass in my uterus is getting bigger and moving into a less then ideal location. Thus my clock is truly running out.

So that's where we are. Now my husband and I need to re-group and decide what to do.

I'm still numb, but feeling pretty sad about all of this. I'm sure as the week progresses, the reality of it all will sink in. I'm hoping the news doesn't get worse on Thur. Just have to wait it out. I'm not due to ovulate for another 8-10 days, so hopefully DH and I can "talk" before then, and both be on the same page.

He didn't say much on the way home, seemed upset though.

saline infused sonohystogram (SIS)

Going to leave work at 2pm for my 3pm apt, so I have time to let the percocet kick in before I have to go in. Eeek.

saline infused sonohystogram (SIS)to see if my womb is still in good shape, if the hematoma is gone/still present, and if we'll get a green light for making babies, or be told we're done.

It's supposed to hurt, and I'm really scared.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's Holiday time here in the USA, and the holiday is underway. The turkey's in the oven, the house smells heavenly, and I'm about to take on some side dishes. Just love this holiday. They laziness of it, the family time, the food, just everything.

Enjoy this T-day favorite (the "good part" is about 17 min in), and have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

TURKEY'S AWAY, WKRP in Cincinnati

So work's going well

While it's fresh in my head. I'm getting a bigger raise than anticipated retro to July 2010, and will appear on my 12/15 paycheck. Yes I asked for this, and they agreed. This raise includes my annual and new position. Also, I'm getting a total of 17 sick/vacation days. Last year only had 12. So an extra week.

I'm moving teams effective Jan. 1, and have to go to team IL (Illinois), and move my cubicle/desk. :( I'm getting a smaller portfolio, only 30 properties to review (HUD Contract Administration) instead of the 67 I have presently and will be doing CORE (HUD Contract Reporting) full time now instead of 1/2 time as originally offered.

The manager in CORE will be my new direct supervisor and will be approving my time card and all of that, thank goodness.

I did ask if instead of moving to IL cubes, I could just move into the CORE office. My boss (Gen Mgr) hadn't thought of that, but now is, so for now, I move in January to the IL cube, and play it out, & I've already begun planting seeds in the CORE office, see if the CORE staff will be ok with that too.

Also planted the IT dept. seed. Just put it out there that I'm also interested in working in the IT dept. since I'm so great with computers and stuff, so at least they know there is the interest. They didn't say no, but also mentioned they were happy to know this. Our IT dept just went from 2 and 1/2 staff to 2 staff, and so I'm putting it out there that I have a strong interest in filling the other 1/2 staff position if it is deemed that a need is indeed there to bump the IT staffing back up.

So we'll see what happens.

I'm so bummed about leaving my Georgia/Iowa (GA/IA) team. I really like it over there, and IL properties are harder.

He (Gen. Mgr) doesn't want me to tell anyone either, he'll be making the announcements soon.

December I'll still be doing GA/IA and CORE 1/2 time. By Jan. 1, I'm full time CORE. :)

So that's it. Overall I'm thrilled. Sad to move my desk and all, but seeing as I'm in the CORE office 75% of my time anyway, it most likely doesn't truly matter that I'm moving my desk and joining the new team. Just really going to miss my cubicle mates. We have lots of fun joking and teasing each other. Oh well, I'll still work with everyone, as we're all still in the same building and all... :) And I'll probably make new friends in the CORE office.

The Talk

Craig and I had "the talk" tonight. Taly fell asleep in the car on the way home, so we parked in the garage and chatted while she slept. Surreal. Anyway, he's worried about graduating from his MBA in February, finding a new and better job and hopefully moving us out of state and closer to family back west this summer. Compound all of this with the possibility of yet another pregnancy, possibly a failed PG, and or one we bring a baby home, in the summer, while we're moving cross country.

Of course none of this has happened and he's flipping out about "what if's". Yes his plan may occur, but as I told him, life just happens and you roll with it. He didn't fully agree to that statement.

He wants us to wait on TTC until he's landed the new job and this future move is over. My 37 year old brain is thinking by the time his plan plays out, it's too late. I feel that my uterus is already damaged and it may already be too late to carry another baby full term and bring home.

Then we talked about adoption, and I expressed my concerns that not great credit may be an adoption blocker for us. We also briefly discussed a surrogate.

IDK, we both agreed to table it for now. I did tell him I didn't want to go back on the BC pills, as I hate the way I feel on them. I also told him I didn't prefer to DTD with condoms. Just don't like the feel. That leaves temping for TTA. So as this cycle comes to an end, I will probably start back up with the temping so I will "sadly" know when we shouldn't be DTD.

I feel broken, and old.

A funny thing happened on the way to DTD

Kid is in bed. Husband checked on her, made sure she was asleep. All systems go. Back in our room, door closed and just about to being the festivities, when I noticed the handle on my bedroom door slowly turn, and two little eyes looking at me through the now opening door.

I could not stop laughing. My daughter who came in to my room because she couldn't sleep was moments away from being scarred for life! After I contained my laughter, I explained to her, that I thought the cat was jumping up and opening the door and "that's" why I laughed. I walked her back to bed, we waited another 30 min or so... no sounds from her end of the home, so I "lock" my door and we have a take-2.

Was great being with my husband and was wonderful that I initiated this time. Just a perfect night. And seriously hilarious.

'Cause sometimes you just have to laugh at the insanity and absurdity of it all.

Vivid BFP dream

I had a vivid dream last night... got my BFP this cycle and was confused how that was at all possible (birth control pills, only on CD 11 and haven't DTD yet), but it was clear as day on the test strip. Guess this means I do still want to be prego after all.

Time Change

I figured I'd let Taly stay up 1 hour past her bedtime to help her adjust to the new time change. 30 min. past her regular bedtime... and she's OUT! So funny, 'cause usually we battle over bedtime and her not being able to sleep. Tonight I decide to just let her stay up, and she's zonked.

Ow!

People NEED to get they're heads out of their tushy. Ugh. Someone today told me I need to suck it up and DTD with DH even though I have ZERO desire because I'm not being fair. So basically I have to pretend to like it so HIS feelings won't be hurt. OMG that pissed me off. If DH is understanding about all of this who the hell are they to tell me what to do? It's DH and my sex life. Ugh. I truly feel once sex doesn't hurt and it isn't only for him, that I'll get interested again. But right now that just isn't my reality.

Oh, and my AF cramps... just as bad as last time. Back to the pecoset. I'm so frustrated and angry about all of this. I'm calling my OB tomorrow morning, will BEG for a refill, and see if anything else can be done.

IDK, maybe I should go back to the BC pills. I hate the way they made me feel though. Maybe they can give me something different. I mean, seriously, how many varieties/brands are out on the market anyway. Surely something else could work, right???

Sorry for the rant, just am in so much pain right now, and stupid comments from people who don't know me or my circumstances, just add fuel to my fire.

Happy Halloween 2010

We did get out to trick and treat, but man it was cold here. Temps below 40 F, and a light snow.

So Up here, we really bundle up the kids. DD wore ugg boots, sweat pants, snow pants over those, a shirt and sweater, then the princess dress, then the winter coat, and cloak to girly it all up. She looked great, and had a wonderful time. Happy to be home and now in a sugar coma dreaming of Hershey bars and m&ms.

We drove about 2 blocks over and Taly and DH got out going door to door while I drove the "chase" car with the heat on and fairly comfy. I chatted with my mom on the cell, while my little girl floated from house to house. She looked like a pink ghost. It was just too cute.

When we got home I out up the hot water for the cocoa, and she and DH peeled off layers of clothes, then went door to door inside our building. I was surprised to find out she did indeed get more candy. Her cuteness get's her far. One couple had no candy, but went out to the store on the corner, bought her some and delivered it to her at our home. Very sweet and kind of them to do so, and very unnecessary. So DH and Taly drew up a handmade thank-you, went back up to the 4th floor to deliver it. Then pizza came, so YAY.

After Taly off to bed, me and DH DTD tonight, and I didn't have any pre-pain meds in me. My "O" was followed with some intense cramps again. Sigh. Was hoping to be on the mend. Maybe one more cycle I'll be back to normal. So to speak.

Made a little slide show of Natalya to share. Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween and happy end to October. Bring on the next round of holidays!

Happy Birthday Natalya

Only because I'm feeling way nostalgic. Here's my photo progression of Natalya. Can't believe she's 4 today!

Natalya (DD) was born at 12:11pm via scheduled c-section due to being "Frank Breech" at Fletcher Allen Health Care in Burlington, Vermont on Thursday, October 25, 2006.

When I first saw her I was immediately in love. Even said "She's so cute!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALYA! MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!

Here are some photo's through the years:

A birthday weekend Slideshow

Princess in combat boots get's her Pillow Pet

Pillow Pet Bliss. Got to love this, right?

New Strider Bike - day 1

This is the new bike we got Natalya for her 4th birthday. She kept stopping to re-set the singing dog... Sings "Witchdoctor" and flaps his ears. Thank you grandma. :)

Happy Birthday Dear Natalya...

Singing Happy Birthday to my newly turned 4 year old. More cake on her actual birthday 10-25-10. This is the "ice cream cake" It was really yummy.

Frog Hopper Ride at Pizza Putt

Natalya's FAVORITE ride at Pizza Putt. She is super brave.

Stupid Comments IRL - STILL!

Today a friend in real life (IRL) suggested that I stop trying, since I've had 2 losses now clearly I can't handle carrying a pregnancy anymore. This person... a man... and close family friend too. Ugh.

I'm not done, until I am done. Meaning, if the OB comes back and says I can't, or I have to have a hysterectomy... then, yes, I'm done, but if not, then it's my body, my choice, and my husbands choice.

He's a dear friend, but I so wanted to strangle him, and this at my daughter's birthday party. The more I think about it, the more steamed I'm getting. >:( At least the rest of the day was a success, and my kid is a happy new 4 year old. (technically not until Monday though) ;)

Freezing and Fun

Sitting here drinking my coffee and watching the snow flurries out my window and I begin to accept that winter is here. Usually we get snow on or just after Halloween. This year it's a week early. And next week we're having a heat wave in the mid 60s. with up and down temps in the weather, it's a wonder we all get so sick this time of year.

Was so annoyed with Craig this morning. Last night after I fell asleep he turned on the fan and opened the window. It was below freezing last night, and this morning, I was freezing. Did I mention the window was on my side of the room??

I slept horribly (now I know why), I'm exhausted, have a headache and the beginnings of a sore throat.

I kind of nagged him first thing this morning too, and feel bad about that, but also feel bad that I feel icky. Time to just shake it off and move on, right?

This weekend should be fun fun fun though. I hope at least. We're having Taly's 4th birthday party tomorrow, Sunday a trip to Costco and the grocery store to pick up her "photo" birthday cake, and Monday night a dinner/cake playdate on her actual birthday, so it's turning out to be 2 birthday parties for her. Lucky girl.

I'm doing the marathon today finishing up the final details for her party tomorrow. Kind of glad it's a small guest list now. (had 2 kids cancel last min). Just have to do the last bit of presents and sign/decorate her cards.

Then I'm DONE! :)

Oopsie

Every night on our drive home, we notice how perfect the evening light is to take some great photos. We alway's forget the new camera. Tonight, a BIG storm in, dark dark sky and sunny out. I remembered to grab the new camera. I call up DH and tell him to be ready to go, the lighting is perfect and we'll get some wonderful pics tonight. I pick him up, he's drooling about how gorgeous the sky is. We pick up DD at her preschool, maneuver through rush hour traffic, and get to the scenic overlook park. We get out and scout the perfect location. Get the camera all set up and........ Dead battery! ...Sigh... I think DH teared up a little. Spare battery has just now been ordered from Amazon.

Birthday party blues

Now I have the birthday party blues. One of the families just cancelled on us for this Sat. party. Now I'm paying for 4 kids, only have 3, and two are siblings/grandchildren of my friends. Don't know their parents well and now have none of Taly's "friends" actually coming. :(

So DH is mad, and scrambling to invite more children. I say let it alone, it is what it is. Getting a last min. invite 3 days before hand, can't think folks will just be sitting around waiting for us to come along with something fun for their kid to do. There is so much family stuff going on this weekend it's (our party) a hard sell.

I guess I'm sad because we just don't have friends here. Even with DD in pre-k the kids we invited all declined. Most had other plans even though I did send invites 3 weeks ahead. Also a month ahead with a save the date!

On Monday night, her actual birthday, we're having one of the last min. cancelled families to our home for dinner and cake and the girls can play. So I'm salvaging what I can.

The weather forecast tomorrow through Monday (her actual birthday)... Rain, wind, cold!

So much for going to the park to ride the new bike she's getting.

I'm hurt and sad, but still hopeful she'll still be happy and have a good time. She's not going to remember this, right?

I can't even have my co-workers come at this late date. My manager's son turns 5 on Sat. and most of them are going to her party.

So there is a huge affair for him somewhere else. Also, I could just cancel our party, but already paid the deposit...

Sigh

Thanks for letting me vent. Just need a hug right now.

BORED

Seriously can I please have something to do????? I hate sitting at my desk at my office and have NOTHING to work on. There are only so many sites one can surf/visit during the course of the day. I have a 66 property portfolio, and did an extra 6 properties as well! That's 72 properties at 1/2 time at the office and I'm still done way before deadline and so ridiculously bored. I've read my books, I've watched my i-pod tv, I've surfed the mommy boards, and it's not even 1pm. I hate to complain because seriously, just sitting here, the act of sitting in the seat is earning me $14/hour. But with the level of boredom I begin to question if I really need that $14/hour. I know that yes, in fact, we do, and I sit here being bored for the good of my family. So thankful that my work recognized how bored I truly am and how they are in the process of getting their act in order to begin training me for more work. But here I am ready to start, and nothing but silence. Are they really going to wait until AFTER deadline?? So frustrated and antsy. Ready for action, but stalled out.

Tired

So very tired today. Not certain why really. Then tonight at bedtime... Natalya asked about the baby again. Expressed that it wasn't fair. Not sure what to say when she asks, and she's been asking more and more lately.

Lights, Camera, Action

Playdate with Willa:



Heated Discussion with the Dark Pumpkin:



Why can't we be friends?

Playing

Good day today, but I am so tired now. Play date for 3 hours this afternoon... wow... a long 3 hours for me. I thought one demanding little girl was a challenge. two was more than I was really prepared for. Kept me on my toes, that's for certain. But goodness they were cute.

Tomorrow, if the weather dries up, we're hoping to get over to the pumpkin patch. If not, not meant to be this year.

Every weekend the rest of this month is busy/booked between Halloween happenings and birthday parties. Which reminds me... I've got to get cracking on the wrapping. And I still have to find a gift for one of the birthday parties. Where is the time going????

Coping. Small Steps

When I first lost the baby, I vegged out and watched DVR'd sitcom re-runs. I took a lot of time off work, and did finally get myself to a therapist. I feel a little better with each day, but it's lots of small steps, you know?

The gym is a great outlet. I also started reading junk books. You know, titles like Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Being busy at my work, once I did go back also helps. Keeps my brain occupied. And still I feel choked up at times.

I'm so thankful/grateful for the promotion. The timing is perfect for me. Will help keep me a busy worker bee, which is really welcome right now.

I want to and need to cry, let it all out. So I made sure to DVR/Netflix some movies gtd. to bring on the waterworks.

I also re-visited my 1st losses memorial, and re-listened to the music we played. I find music very healing. I remember when putting the memorial together, the task of selecting the music and figuring out what we were going to do/say or not say was very therapeutic for me as well, and helped give me the closure I needed. We did the memorial for her on the 1 year anniversary of the D&E.

Broken Promise

We decided to include Natalya with this PG from early on, and that also meant including her in the loss, yet it's a hard concept for a 4 year old to grasp.

She still asks me about the baby, what happened to her, why isn't she still in my belly, etc. She also pretends to carry the baby (a ribbon bunched up in her hand) and says things like.... this is the baby, she died, I will protect her and keep her... It takes me back a step. I know she's just trying to understand death, but with it all so raw right now, it's hard not to cry.

We talked up her being a big sister and I feel like I broke a promise. I know it's not my fault, but I feel by losing the baby I let my DD down. I also don't yet know if/when I can get PG again, so I may not get the chance to make good on my promise of a sibling for her. That also breaks my already broken heart.

I think if/when I can get PG again, I would tell everyone I knew as soon as I knew, but I would wait to tell her as long as I could.

More work please!

Today has been interesting. Good interesting. I was working at my desk when my GM instant messaged me that he wanted me to come and chat with him. I got kind of freaked out, thought the repremand was surely coming.

.....not coming to the staff meeting, late into work, leaving early, working PT when we hired you for FT....

Turned out he wanted to check in with me and see how I am feeling emotionally and physically. Then he apologized to me for being late with my annual performance review and explained I should be getting it in the next couple of weeks. (It was due Aug. 1).

Then he added that he's been very pleased with my work, and how quickly I get things done. That I'm the fasted and most accurate Analyst he has on staff. He noticed that at the end of the month since I'm always done with my work early I tend to have much too much free time on my hands... twiddling my thumbs... and/or I'm desperately looking for something to do.

So he offered me a promotion. YES! A promotion. Now I'm going to be learning a new job in addition to the one I'm already doing, adding to my skill set and resume padding. Yes, I am one that does care about that stuff.

Turns out he wanted to offer me the promotion back in the beginning of Sept., but for obvious reasons he had to wait, and then wasn't certain if I'd still be willing/wanting to take it in lieu of all that's happend. But after monitoring my workflow this month, and seeing that even at Part Time, I'm still the fastest producer in the office, he felt I was mentally up for the task.

Guess I can now expect my evaluation aka performance review to be favorable.

Also, my performance review comes with a 3% raise and the promotion comes with an even higher salary increase on top of the annual raise, so extra money will begin to come in, which is also very good seeing as I've been out and PT for a couple month's now with no pay for no work.

He's astonished that this month, my first month back I'm still basically done with my work, yet again early, and this time I did it working 1/2 the time.

So YAY!

I can't really tell anyone here until he makes the official announcement, but I'm just bursting. Here I'm expecting to get the official "axe" and instead it's quite happily the opposite.

I'm actually quite grateful for more work. I find having all this work to do really keeps my mind from wandering to that dark place of depression and sadness, and since I can't TTC maybe this will be a welcome distraction.

...... oh and we just picked up DD's new bike at lunch, so there's that too!!! .....

To stay or To go?

I'm sitting at work. Been an energizer bunny with processing my reports and now I'm in a lull. Waiting for data to move forward, but not really being enthusiastic to grab someone else's work... my excuse... I'm not all here. So I'm twiddling my thumbs, and contemplating calling it a day to head home and get a nap in. I'm super tired. Had horrible insomnia last night and HAD to get up early so DH could make his early AM meeting. Need to do it all again tomorrow for MY early AM meeting. Hah.

Now that the work flow is not flowing, I find myself getting lost in my thoughts. Not a terribly great place to be when at work.

Maybe I need to bring a book in? Wondering if they'd cut me slack 'cause of my situation? (Here, if you're done and or waiting for data, you are suppose to help out your co-worker with their portfolio's too)

I just don't want to take someone else's work and try to figure out the back history. At least with my own portfolio, I know the history already and makes it easier to deal with, even when the reporting is a nightmare. Guess I prefer my own nightmare to someone else's.

So should I stay and surf/read a book, possibly getting reprimanded, or say screw it and veg out at home until it's time to get DD and DH from daycare and work?

ETA: crap... cramps. sigh. Guess I'm heading home to my heating pad.

After midnight ramblings

In the evening I struggle to find sleep, and in the morning I struggle to wake up. How can I get this reversed??? This insomnia blows.

So how are you?

How am I? Okay, not okay.

My first post m/s AF has finally ended. My complications from the D&C sadly have not, so I'm still "recovering" and now on TTC hold, The BC (Birth Control) was great in getting the prolonged and overly heavy AF to end, but kind of frustrating to have to be on it. I know it's for the best, but still feels like I'm going the wrong way to TTC.

I was saying physically I'm healed, and still working on the emotional, but truly, that's really not the truth. I have gone back to work, but notice that the "pain" seems to return towards the afternoon, and my OB has prescribed me more percocet for the pain, which I can not take while working resulting in my still only working part time. I had hoped to be mostly full time starting today, but only made it to 2:30pm

My work has been incredibly cool about all of this, but I really am emotionally ready to be back to normal. Guess, I'm more emotionally healed then physically.

Still checking in with a therapist. Not sure how long that's going to continue.

IS my shopping therapy really helping? I am having a blast buying the perfect gifts for DD, but have truly gone overboard.

Enough clothes to revamp her fall/winter wardrobe including shoes, boots, slippers, etc.

Pillow Pet Unicorn from Grandma. Lots of new books to add to her library.

Belle Barbie, 2 my little ponies (hope I got the right ones) and some Strawberry Shortcake dolls including the apparently much desired Lemon Meringue.

Getting the running/balance bike this week most likely too. Now with all the clothes, and books, and costumes.... it's a bit out of hand and I've got to sort thru what's going to be birthday and what's going to be x-mas.

Seriously, I want to give this all to her. She so deserves it. It's been a rough summer for the family and she's mostly been great through out. But I also know logically, I need to go less on b-day and go big at x-mas. What's enough to keep a newly 4 year old happy??

Is her happiness key to my own? Is this still the hormones? BC hormones mixing in??

I'm confused about my feelings, and beyond overtired. So ready for the insomnia to go away.

Sorry for the rambles of an insomniac after midnight. Bwarsh.... after hours! lol.

The lessor of two evils - strikes back

So the lessor of two evils is back with a vengeance. Yes, advil is NOT my friend.

All the advil I took last week has flipped my ulcer into attack mode. But hey, at least my period stopped, even if it meant having to go on BC pills, it's better that the bleeding is done for now.

The blood blob is still intact inside. Boo! But I don't feel it as long as I don't shake it up in there... meaning no orgasms for me for now.

Sesame Street: Smell Like A Monster

Because everyone loves a parody. Happy Friday!

Going backwards to move forwards

My OB just called me. Fresh out of the meeting of the "minds" and the consensus is...

We don't know what the heck that thing is. Never seen THAT before.

Lovely.

So now the recommendation is to wait on TTC for 3 months.

Meanwhile, my AF presently is crazy painful, and abundant so I have to go back on birth control pills to thin out the lining. If the "pain" and flow doesn't lighten within 6 hours, I'm to double up on pills the next day. Also, since I'm not supposed to be taking this much ibuprofen, if the pain is still really bad tomorrow, I'm to call early and get a script for more heavy duty drugs.

In 2 months and 1 day after my period ends, I will go in for a "fluid" test where they do another internal u/s and then put in some saline to check the walls, and look, I guess for leaks.

At that time they can determine if this "bruise" aka the fluid blood ball is gone, reduced, or will appear to cause future damage to any future pregnancies.

So now we wait some more.

It's weird taking birth control again. Feels like a step backwards.

Off to lay down with my heating pad now.

Made it through lunch at the office today!

Today I made it through lunch at the office. It's 12:30 and I'm still here. Eating at my desk and avoiding the crowd in the breakroom, but still it's progress.

However, I think I'm only going to make it another hour or so as my cramps are kicking back up as well as the AF flow. My stomach is killing me and I may have to grab some of those leftover percocets, and lay down with my heating pad before it's time to drive the mom taxi back around to pick up the family.

ETA: MADE IT TO 4PM!!! Woo Hoo!

Therapy cont.

Saw the therapist today. Thankfully she no longer thinks depression and is happy to not push me to medicine aids. I'll give her another go next week, but will cont. to shop behind the scenes. Can you believe my session began with her venting/complaining about her DD? Excuse me, isn't this my dime and my time?

In general, I think what's going on with me is I'm just getting old and bruised up. I can apparently get pregnant, have 3 times now, just gets harder and harder to stay pregnant. Maybe the final answer is to just stop altogether. I need some concrete answers though. I hate all this... maybe there's still a chance, let's try x-y-z.

At least the bleeding chilled out, barely a trickle today.

weirdest AF I've ever had.

ETA: Around 5ish, I began having horrible cramps again, and a few hours later, gushing flow again. Huge purple clumps of bloody ick. It's gross, painful, and messy. I've never had a AF like this before.

Hopefully this is all miscarriage leftover and that's it, and this will ALL be over soon.

I hate being at work knowing all of this blood has to go somewhere. I'm terrified of bleeding through my tampon, pad, and clothes. It's just awful.

Update - still on hold!

Back from the OB. Bruise or whatever it is, is still there. ugh. Have to cont. to wait. Check my fluid levels in another month.

We're hoping to know more after the "meeting of the Dr's" Thu. We're apparently now on the agenda for the infertility specialist weekly staff meeting.

Great, a large scale meeting of the minds because what I have is so "rare" she's (my OB) not ready to make the call if we can TTC or not, and if not now, or not ever again. Maybe will have to have this thing drained, maybe not. She's never seen this before and so she wants to consult with the infertility specialists before telling me officially what the next step.

So for now, just try NOT to get PG at least one more cycle, and she'll have more info for me on Friday this week.

She also had them do a blood draw to make certain that the PG is all gone, and that this new bleeding is only AF. She's also worried because I'm losing so much blood, there may be additional cause for concern. (I'm going through a pad + Tampon every 1/2 - 1 hour).

Will know more after lab results back, probably later today I suspect.

So we're still in a waiting pattern and can't TTC this month.

At least I get one more month off of temping and all of that.

Oh, and I did ask if they knew the gender, but they didn't. Said the baby was too young to determine the sex, so I guess that's it. At least I won't think there is some answer in a file and I didn't know because I didn't ask. So I'm glad I asked.

I know I know I know

I know I know I know - Rock Star 10/2010

And so it begins...

39 days after my D&C I finally started AF CD1 today, so now I can just move forward and start trying again, if that's what we're going to do. Still don't know all about that yet. Just glad my m/c cycle is finally over. I'm going in for a follow up u/s on Tuesday, which will be CD3. Hopefully we'll get an "all clear" from the OB and be good to go!

Citizen Cope - Sideways

Citizen Cope – Sideways

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Cause, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, they
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away... (slow music)
These feelings won't go away...

It ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
there's no words to describe it
In French or in English
These diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, babe
Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment now
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment now
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away... (slow music)
These feelings won't go away...

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out babe
Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment now
Time will take them away...

(refrain out...)

Remember to stop and pet the frog

Well things just have a way of working out. I did go with DH to look at the camera and it wasn't so terrible after all. :p Then we found out that the newer model with more bells and whistles is now just out and the same package price. So no brain'r here, we're getting the newer shinier model. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow. It's a nikon 3100 (I think). It's a huge camera, and a bit intimidating. Will be an adventure learning how to use it.

We had lunch together and I dropped him back at his office. Then I went to the mall and GOT MY HAIRCUT! Yes, I'm very excited. I've been complaining about it being too long since before I even got pregnant. I think it's been a year since my last cut. Yeah, that long.

I decided to pick up DD afterwards, around 3pm, and then went back to DH office. He drove us both back home (she's watching Angelina Ballerina) and he's off to a chiropractic apt that he's been putting off far too long too.

DD and I even got to see a real live frog on our walk, and my brave girl, with a little nudge, pet the frog. Me too.

I'm feeling in good spirits at the moment.

New Day, Fresh Start

New day always equals Fresh Start. It's pouring! I'm at the office, mostly on time (only 5 min late today, an improvement for 1 hr late yesterday) and got everyone to their destinations safe and sound. At lunch I have to accompany DH camera shopping (which I really don't want to do as I have NO interest, and will be happy with whatever he picks.) but it's important to him I go, so I shall go.

With any luck I'll get in a haircut this afternoon before having to get DH at the baby sitter, who informed me as I was dropping her off that she has a hair apt at 5pm, so needs me to get DD early.

Ummmm, excuse me, but if pick up time is 5p, why on earth would you make a hair apt for the same exact time? I swear I'm just sick of in home day care/babysitter's lately. So flaky.

Whatever, not going to let her sour my mood.

Since it's pouring cats and dogs, I'm not certain what we'll do for entertainment as I can't pick up DH until 5:30pm, and I'll have DD for an hour with me. I'm not going home just to turn around and go back out. We may end up just hanging out at his office until it's time to go.

Maybe I'll swing by McD and she can eat an "early" dinner at his work.

Yes, I'm making this all up as I go along...

Hope you all are having a nice Friday!!

What is "depression" anyhow?

This therapist thinks I'm depressed. Great. She wants my OB to chat with her after my u/s apt on Tuesday about prescribing me something to help. If I'm still "feeling" like this on Tuesday that is.

Should I find another therapist? Or is there something to what she is saying? Yes, I'm having a rough time emotionally, but I just figured it was because it took so long to recover physically that the emotional healing got pushed back. IDK

My DD is having yet another tantrum. I'm sure it's just because she's "that" age. I know it doesn't help my mood, but am I really depressed Seemed like a harsh assessment.

Guess I check in with my mood over the next few days.

Good day, bad night... I don't know what to do

I’m sick of it! DD treats me with such disrespect. She’s incredibly rude and horrible to me. I do everything I can to please her and it’s never enough. I’m crying. I’m dying inside for her to love me to like me, to be as nice to me as she is to her father. I must give her too much, and she exploits it. I know she doesn’t understand. I know she’s only 4. I know I’m the adult, but I’m fragile right now, and she still is pushing pushing pushing.

Maybe going back into the world was too soon. Maybe I am not truly ready? Why does this have to be this way? Why is my relationship with probably my only ever going to have child so volatile? I thought bad relationships with moms and daughters took years to develop. I’m a suck ass mom. She hates me. I can’t earn her love.

And he’s no help. She respects him. She listens to him. A true daddy's girl. He waits for it to all explode out of control and then has to referee after I’m screaming, she’s screaming, doors slamming and curse words muttered under my breath. WTH? Why can’t he help me??? Why do I even need his help? Single moms are successful. Where can I learn? Why don’t I get this? Why can’t I control my feelings and emotions? I’m a ticking bomb, so easily detonated. So is she.

I hate this. She’s screaming. I don’t know what to do.

I go back in to her room. We just cry in each other arms. I explain my point of view to her. She hugs me. She again asks for another story. This is what started all of this in the first place… tonight at least.

She softly asks for Daddy. I get him. She breaks down in his arms… she misses Kika, she misses Bear. Why did we have to give Kika away??? Why did she have to lose bear? They were her best friends and now they’re gone.

We all feel terrible. We’re all upset. We’re all crying.

I go into my room and get the final back up bear, and while he distracts her, I hide bear #5 in her room. We help her find him. She’s so happy. She’s not crying anymore. She loves us all again.

She’s asleep now. I know in my gut I’m a woos. I can’t hold my resolve with her. I just want her to have the happy childhood I didn’t have. I want her to have fond memories.

I still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I only know this can’t continue. I need help, just don’t know where to get it. Don’t want to be judged as a bad parent from a super mom that it all seems so easy for them. I have a daughter with ADD, I too have ADD. Neither of us are on meds.
Maybe I need to be for both of our sanity's.

Saying I'm OK is me just being polite!

Now here's a question I'm getting and I don't really know how to answer it.

"How are you felling/doing?"

You know, the generic question people ask. Do they really want an honest answer? I find myself at a loss of what to say. I'm back, but I'm not whole. I'm ok, but just ok.

I ran into a temple member the other day, and she asked this and I said I was OK. Just OK. She kept pressing for more of a conversation, but I didn't want to and was running late to pick up my DD.

That very night, she emails me asking for a favor. And stated... good to see you. glad you're ok now. Guess I can ask for this now...

Ugh. It kind of pissed me off. I'm not ok. I don't want to do favors for people, and I don't know how to act in polite society now.

Back to work

So far, today is a better day. DD is still sick, but DH stayed with her this morning. I went in to the office to find out today is team building day, so we all went out to lunch together. Wasn't my plan, but if I went, I'd get a full days pay for only working a few hours. Since I was only going to work a few hours anyway, this worked out as a nice surprise pay wise. I had a nice lunch with my co-workers, and now I'm home the rest of the day. I don't know how it'll go with DD since she seems to feel worse as the day grows late. So far so good though. She's watching a DVD, and I'm sitting with her on my laptop.

I did have to cancel my haircut apt for today, but maybe I'll get it done this weekend.

Work people that I did interact with were plenty nice and seemed happy to see me back. And I only cried twice. Once after an angry property manager yelled at me for something I knew nothing about, and once after my supervisor coming over and talking with me. She's known about the PG and MC and all of this since I POAS and got that bfp.

So I'm glad I'm out/off for the day, and glad I'm taking it slow. May do 1/2 time all next week too, just have to see how it goes. I do suggest to any/all that can, to ease back in to the new normal. I think it's keeping me from cracking up completely.

Feeling Picked On and Pissed Off

I'm having one of those crap days. My DD is still sick, some mysterious high fever that only appears in the evening. What is that???

She lost or threw out her "bear" lovie, and we have searched high and low, even in the dumpster in the pouring rain looking for it. She kept telling us it was here, it was there, it was everywhere, but the truth is she just doesn't know. It's a puzzle, cause if bear didn't get tossed, then where the heck is it?? Bear is gone.

Now I'm getting crap on FB for having the nerve to complain, vent about it, and apparently the problem is mine, not hers. Excuse me, but I know my DD loves that bear more than anything and when it comes time for bed she's going to freak out! I gave her a replacement "bear" but it's not the same color, age, smell, etc. I loved her bond with that lovie, and maybe I am more upset from the loss of the sentiment, but still, be gentle with me, hunh? I'm a bit more emotional these days.

Oh, and then when I snuck into my room for a moment she pee'd on my new sofa, then blamed me!! Said it was my fault for not putting her in a pull up. That made me see red. Not only was it not my fault, she was continuing to LIE to me about it. She said she fell asleep and because I didn't give her a pull up to wear, that's why she pee'd. But she didn't fall asleep. She was just too busy to be bothered. I had to cancel my therapy apt today, and also NOT go into work to stay home with this sick kid.

Now she still has this fever, and won't go to pre-k again tomorrow. I asked DH to stay with her in the AM and I'd switch with him at lunch just so I can get 3 hours at the office!

I'm a wreck, and am seriously excited for her to just go to bed so I can get a break! My back, neck, and head are killing me. I'm so tired I can't think straight. I know she's cranky 'cause she's sick, but I'm so angry that she's lying and that she just "tossed" her bear away.

The more she goes on, the more angry DH is getting too. We both feel manipulated and tricked and we're doing all this because we love her so much, and both feel that we're being spit on.

I should just have a swift drink and go to bed, let Dh deal with her the rest of the night, but I know I won't/can't. I know I'll be right back in this in the next 10 min.

SIGH.

I guess I probably should have gone to therapy today afterall. I've rescheduled for Thu. Should be interesting to see if I actually make it.

This week not going well at all.

Things picking up... for the sick kiddo

Update on Natalya... we think maybe this IS just a 24 hr thing, as she seems much better this morning. FX we all go back to normal tomorrow. :)

Sick and Tired

So now my DD is sick. We think she may actually have a mild case of the chicken pox! She was exposed to the virus last week apparently at her pre-k, and while she is vaccinated, she can still get it.

I looked up chicken pox sypmtoms online and this is her exactly:
[i]"Some kids have a fever, abdominal pain, sore throat, headache, or a vague sick feeling a day or 2 before the rash appears. These symptoms may last for a few days, and fever stays in the range of 100°-102° F"[/i]

She's been complaining of a sore tummy and headache the past two days, tonight she has a fever 101.5, and had shivering chills for over an hour until I could get the baby motrin into her. Thank god for that, she felt so much better after it kicked in.

So needless to say, we are hopeful for a 24hr bug, but are preparing for the pox. At least she probably won't get the itchy blisters, thanks to her being vaccinated. She'll just feel like crud for a few days.

Which means, no pre-school, and this is a short week, so no school on Thu and Fri anyway.

Guess what this may do to my returning to work!

So tomorrow, DH is going in to his work in the AM, and will come home at lunch so I can go in to my work and make an "appearance". At least that's the plan thus far.

I've alerted my office of this plan, and hopefully we'll get through tomorrow with little to no bumps.

Needless to say, I'm VERY glad I had a "me" day today.

To do it all over again, could we?

I have to wonder, if we (DH and I) DO get PG again, would it be better to announce it right away, or better to keep it all a secret again?

I'm now leaning towards telling the world the first day I POAS and see PG again. This way, if I was to cope with another loss, the compassion and support would be there earlier for me.

But then I wonder, if I'll ever see a PG on an HPT again. I just don't know if the strength is here to TTC again.

At this point I suppose it's all too soon to make a decision as to whether we'll try once again, or just be done with all of this. I selfishly assumed the decision was mine alone to make. But DH has feelings too, and since this is another loss for him, we both wonder if either of us has the strength to try all of this again for yet another possible heart ache.

Neither of us wants to make the definitive decision, but it's kind of out there and on our minds, yet I'm struggling with the finality of it. Could I really be the person that can accept being done? Could he? Could our hearts? Can we be strong again? And if so what happens if we fail again? Or if blessed finally?

I wonder when we'll get to the place we can rationally and not emotionally charged make the decision to try or not to try.

Going to attempt to rejoin the human population

Going back to work this week.

For Monday, I plan to get up with he family, and drive the "carpool". That gives me a "schedule" and out of the house. And a practice run, so to speak.

Then I'll get back to the office part time beginning Tuesday, just after my therapy apt, and then the rest of the week 9-12.

I'm still crying, and hormonal I suppose. Why is this so hard?

DH Blessings to this plan given after discussion and tears from me.

So we'll give this all a try. Going to get a haircut or maybe just sit at a starbucks trying to blend back into the human population. Maybe back to the library. I like it there.

I just sent word to the office too, so hopefully they'll spread the word of my return before Tuesday. Don't know why it's important for me that they all know to expect me back, just suppose I want to avoid shock, and surprise. That and dumb comments from being taken off guard so to speak.

A new day, a new plan

Taly woke us up early. I got up to help her, and let Craig sleep in. Taly and I went on a early donut run. Lots of fun, but she was miffed we didn't eat at Dunkin Donuts.

Get home, wake up Craig and get down to donuting. Taly had MORE than her share, so now completely hopped up on sugar.

Then Taly and I clean up and head back out, off to the playground. After a goodtime, we ventured over to the library where we checked out a ridiculous amount of books. More than her weight, that's for certain.

Managed to keep her go go going until 1:45pm. Now it's time to chill out 'cause I'm worn out. I think Taly is having a sugar crash wind down too. Maybe we can both get some rest.

I'm proud of myself for getting out. Have tomorrow to plan out, as Craig will still be doing homework and unavailable. And I kind of want to get my hair done. It's too long and too grey.

Maye I can get out tomorrow??? I just don't know. If nothing else, we'll go to price chopper so Taly can play in the "playroom" there while I have a cup of coffee and a bagel.

A new day, a new plan.

2 AM Ramblings

I'm sad. Just sad. I want to be glad, but am stuck at sad.

I can't focus, not really, and I can't decide if I want to blank out to mindless TV, or if I want to see a tear jerker flick than brings on the tears.

Tonight my daughter got to go to Pizza Putt with her Dad giving me a break and allowing me some ME TIME this evening. It was great and terrible. I wanted to be with them, but am so lethargic and exhausted from just, well, being.

I feel like the only way I can get through, is to avoid, and just be numb. That's not healthy.

I'm anxious. When does that chill?

It's 2am on Saturday. I'm struggling to work out a plan for the day (Craig is grad schooling all day) and I'm struggling to work out a plan to return to work full time beginning Monday.

I think it's going to be too much (going to work) and I'm scared. I know we need me to go back. Maybe just this 1 week I can go half time? Got to check in with Craig on that, and the car situation.

Time for some sleep aids, again.

9/23/10 marks 2 years since Alice

Was all a bit too much for me yesterday, and by days end I lost it. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. Being the 2 year anniversary of my first loss, Alice Rose, and getting out of the house was all too emotional.

Have DD home with me today all by ourselves. DH is bringing home McD for lunch with a surprise happy meal for DD and tonight we're planning to go to pizza putt (VT's version of a chuck e cheese). Just have to see how I am later today. Right now, at 9:30am, seems like a good plan. lol.

TTC isn't easy

Saw these and thought I'd share. The website is:

Ugh, is this postpartum depression?

I think PPD has sunk in. Today I lost it and broke down in tears just trying to unload the dishwasher, and knocked over a cup of hot coffee that spilled all over the clean dishes.

DH called my OB for a therapist referral. Thought I was handling all this better, but now it seems I'm not. Maybe having a therapist again will help. I'm going to see one on Friday this week.

I still haven't been back to work. More because I can't deal with the emotional pain than the physical pain.

We also had our 7th wedding anniversary yesterday and DH brought me roses and cooked me a steak dinner. Wow! We were postponing the celebrations (so I thought), so it was nice.

The evening got the best of us and we sort of DTD. My OB would be pissed. It was awkward and nerve wracking. At the end he pulled out, so we're telling ourselves we're safe. But really we both know better.

So we'll just see what happens, if anything, from that.

OB told us not to TTC until the bleeding/bruise is gone. We have a fup U/S on Oct 5 to check. My bleeding has stopped, and I've been having EWCM. I have no idea if I ovulated/am ovulating 'cause I'm not tracking anything this cycle. So we'll see what happens on that end.

On the therapy end, I was in heavy therapy when we lost Alice so know it can help. My new insurance covers 8 sessions, and then I guess the Dr. just requests more if needed. That's how it worked before with my other insurance plans in the past. I am hopeful for getting to a mental place when I can just get back to the office. Thank goodness for family leave. I didn't use it when I lost Alice and I really should have. I didn't know I was entitled to it back then. This time my office is being great about everything, so I feel the pressure is off there for now. I just need to get through each day, you know?

Thanks for all your support. I think I DO want to TTC at least once more, and see how it pans out. Maybe 3rd time's the charm? Trying to stay positive, although at the moment, it's kind of hard to do so.

I Like Me, I Miss Me

Was going to go back to work this morning, but just couldn't bring myself to go. I think at this point it's more heart ache then tummy ache. (but yeah, still had the sharp pains)

I am still so hormonal, and feeling icky from everything. I feel like I've stepped out of my regular life and fear getting back into it. I'm also having EWCM so it seems that I'm ovulating again, which feels so sad. So wasteful and knowing that even if I caught that egg, it probably would end again in tragedy.

I wonder if I'd feel like this if it was all happening to me at age 27 instead of age 37? I'm just feeling like an old fat cow that needs to be put out to pasture. All of this at 37 really makes my odds crap, and makes me feel the fool for continuing to try.

I hope I can get out of this funk, and get back to being me. I like me and miss it.

Tomorrow is my 7th wedding anniversary, and Craig and I are planning to celebrate a little later on when we're both in a better place.

The plan is to recoup some $$ from my being out of work, and then get a babysitter and have a nice night out. We surely need one.

Regardless of my heart and hurt tomorrow... I WILL GO TO WORK!

Questioning my inner strength

Now that I've had 2 back to back loses spread out over two years, I am finding myself questioning if I even have the inner strength to try again. Today i wonder, what's the point? It's only going to end bad, and why am I so obsessed with another child anyway? I mean, I have a great child and I'm blessed to have her.

Shouldn't she be enough? Some days it's really hard to parent her. What am I thinking wanting a 2nd one? I'd have to deal with all the things I didn't like all over again. Potty training again??

Then I think about the wonder of holding a new little life, so dependent, and so unconditionally loving. How could I NOT want that again?

But can I get there? Do I have the strength for more upset, pain, heartache, disappointment, failure? Would I actually be able to bring home another baby? Or is this all a waste of time?

I'm not getting younger, and I'm thinking I'm just out of time and having to wait to TTC again (thanks to this hematoma) is just adding to my frustration. I fear the longer we have to wait, the less enthusiastic I'll be for TTC.

Is that even true? Am I just still hormonal? Why can't I feel normal?

Sigh.

More cute-ness

My nearly 4 year old, sacked out just before dinner. As she like's to say, Oopsie! Hope she doesn't wake up at 2am wanting to eat. Craig is going to get her into her bed shortly, just had to take a photo.

Stuck

Thought I'd see how long I could go without pain pills today. Was hoping I'd feel great, thus don't need, thus can get back to work. I made it to 1:30pm, then had to take a pill. Wish it was fast acting. :/

It's a sharp stabbing pain. ugh. Don't know if I WILL make it to the office tomorrow now. I'm getting so stir crazy. I think once I too feel normal again, I can move past all of this. Presently, I just sort of feel stuck.

Fat I am

Have to just vent... I still seriously am swollen and still can't zip up my pants. It's not right/fair to have to cont. to wear the bella band when there is no baby. I'm just FAT now. And feeling blah, physically, emotionally, just all around. I'm sure the swelling is from the bruise and all, but it's just so depressing. You know?

Wish I was a better mommy.

And questioning my parenting skills. I let my Natalya get away with everything. I'm letting her be a spoiled kid. It's my fault, not hers, and I don't know what to do to nip this all in the bud.

She knows that if she wants something, all she has to do is cry, whine, and scream, and she'll get it. I'll do anything to get her to stop whining and crying. She knows it gets to me and I don't know what to do about it. I hate to hear her cry, but I also hate being manipulated. I feel like I'm a terrible parent. I can't seem to do a good job with one, how am I ever going to be able to take care of two.

Maybe that's why I keep having pregnancy losses. Maybe it's the universes way of keeping me in check. Just be happy with the ONE kid you have, because you can barely handle that.

Am I a hack parent? How can I keep my kid from being a brat and manipulating me? I try my hardest and feel like I'm a huge failure.

How do I get her to behave? How do I get her to eat? How do I get her to be NICE to US?

I don't like all the yelling from either of us. I hate the tension in the house. I hate being so drugged up that I lack the energy/strength to take her out to play. I hate everything about the way I feel, emotionally and physically.

This ~ in a nutshell ~ SUCKS.

I want my little girl to love me and respect me and I want to love and hug, and kiss her and give her everything she needs and deserves. I need her to not walk all over me and understand that if/when she misbehaves, she IS going to get in trouble. I'm just pathetic with my follow-through and she knows it.

Ok, thanks for the vent. On the good side, I'm guilty of loving her too much. I'm guilty of just wanting her to be happy, healthy, and all around a great kid.

Maybe we (her dad and I) need to put things into real perspective. Maybe it's time to whittle down the ridiculous amounts of toys, and non-essentials. Maybe that would help "get her grounded".

I just don't know, and figure, no one is really going to tell me. I just needed a place to journal my thoughts, pain, sadness, and frustration.

Long weekend

Just when I think I'm superwoman, and stop taking these medicines, I get a lovely reminder that I'm not. Had to sit down 'cause felt like I was just kicked in the stomach again. Craig is super tired and I'm a sloth not being able to help with Taly and the house. I hate it. I'm so hoping to be able to return to work on Tuesday, but have to wait and see. Ugh.

Follow up scan today

And there is still a bruise. Kind of nasty looking actually. At least it's not POC, and it didn't get bigger. So that's the good news. The bad news... can't TTC until it's completely gone. Boo. Have to go back in another month to do a re-scan to see if it's gone/smaller, etc.

Still spotting, and apparently I'm going to go from spot to bleed to spot to bleed, for a while.

OB gave me a script for codeine tylenol, but have to sort out my new health insurance before I can get it filled. Sent a note to my HR mgr, and hoping to get the needed info before the long weekend.

Scary Day

Another FUN day. I spent today in the ER. This morning around 10am I had severe abdominal pain, so much so I had to get to the ER. I hate going to the ER but I was screaming I was in so much pain. I was all alone at the house and had to call my husband to come get me. The short ride to the ER seemed like an eternity. Luckily the wait to be seen was short. Best time to go to the ER if you ever have to go is in the morning. No lines.

While there, I got an IV, saline drip, and morphine. I was seen by the reg. ER doc, several nurses, an u/s tech, a couple of med. students, and even my OB-GYN. They drew blood (HCG now down to 36), did an u/s and saw stuff. FYI, shouldn't be seeing stuff. The "stuff" apparently is the cause for my pain. And there isn't much they can do for it.

I'm back from the ER now. Was there from 11am - 6pm. My D&C had some complications, and there is a bruise/bad bleed, as well as leftover baby stuff. Fingers crossed it's not turning into an infection, but I am going to be in a lot of pain for a bit longer. Great! I'm on morphine (which is making me itchy) today and have percoset too. My OB/wants me home for a week more at least. And I get to have yet another ultra sound Thursday to see if I'm getting better or worse. I may have to have a 2nd D&C. My OB said she's never seen a case like me before. So I feel terrible, and emotionally drained.

Now here's some fun bits... we got home and I went to take a percost and noticed it had tylenol in it. However, my OB didn't want me on tylenol as she's concerned the tylenol I've been taking may be masking fever, and indicator of infection, so now my husband is off to the hospital again to get a corrected prescription, and get it filled, and my daughter is still at my friends home waiting to be picked up. My poor husband has been running all over today. He had to come get me, then leave me at the hospital to pick up my daughter from daycare, take her to my friends home, come back to the hospital, bring me home, now he's back to the hospital, and still needs to get my daughter. It's been a long day, and I know he's just exhausted.

I know a lot of you have been worried about me, so I just wanted to update everyone. Best case scenario at this point is this is a bruise only, a "hematoma" and will resolve on it's own. We really don't want another D&C, and are doing everything we can to hopefully be able to TTC again. If this goes bad, could effect chances of future pregnancies. Trying not to think about that right now. Too scary.

So I'm rambling thanks to these pills, and need to try and get some rest. Can use all the T & P you can put out there for me.

Thanks everyone for holding my hand.

How am I doing?

I guess I'm handling this loss better than last time since I've mentally suspected it wasn't going well since that 1st u/s. I still hoped and prayed I was being overly worried for no good reason, and hate that I was right.

I haven't really been around anyone IRL since we found out it was over, so I've been escaping to my TV and leaning a lot on Craig. Poor guy. I'm sure the grief is here, I'm just avoiding dealing with it.

At this point, I just want the physical pain to go away, have my one official normal cycle so we can get back to TTC. At least that's how I feel today. Tomorrow I may feel that there is no point in trying anymore since obviously it's not in the cards for me. Two back to back loses in a 2 year span of just trying to get a BFP in the first place. I don't know if I have the inner strength to carry on with this.

It's amazing how you can be so happy and so sad in a blink of an eye.

Princess Buckethead

Goodness I'm sore

So I expected the sore throat. The anesthesiologist prepared me for that. What I wasn't prepared for was this horrible abdominal pain. I can barely move. I've also heard this may be a side effect from the anesthesia as well.

Tylenol not helping, and advil is only going to make my tummy hurt worse. I had hoped to be well enough to engage with Natalya this weekend so Craig can study, but seems we have to be more creative now. I don't even think I can lift the laundry baskets.

Wish I knew a way how to flush this out and just get back to feeling normal and just be sad about it all. I find that I can't be "sad" yet because the cry hurts, like being punched in the gut again and again.

So yeah, I guess I'm sitting here and having a pitty party for myself. :(

Still working on bringing home #2

In 2008 we had a 2nd trimester loss. Due to genetic malformation, the baby wouldn't survived. NOT Viable. So with great sadness we ended that pregnancy with a D&E at 19w2d.

In Nov. 2009, we started TTC again. Happily 8 months later we were rewarded with a BFP. Elated and excited. Until we realised there was a problem. Sure enough, this baby's heart stopped and it was over. This time my body DID begin to miscarry on it's own, and with the help of the hospital, we had a D&C this time.

So 2 losses, 1 miscarriage, and 1 healthy and happy little girl at home with us.

So after another month of waiting/healing from the miscarriage, we're going to try yet again. Third time's got to be the charm.

If no luck after 3 more cycles, I'm off to the RE for the talk and probably clomid.

We just want to bring home one more baby to complete our family. It's not fair to have 2 back to back loses in 2 years time. It's got to be out turn next.