Now that I've had 2 back to back loses spread out over two years, I am finding myself questioning if I even have the inner strength to try again. Today i wonder, what's the point? It's only going to end bad, and why am I so obsessed with another child anyway? I mean, I have a great child and I'm blessed to have her.
Shouldn't she be enough? Some days it's really hard to parent her. What am I thinking wanting a 2nd one? I'd have to deal with all the things I didn't like all over again. Potty training again??
Then I think about the wonder of holding a new little life, so dependent, and so unconditionally loving. How could I NOT want that again?
But can I get there? Do I have the strength for more upset, pain, heartache, disappointment, failure? Would I actually be able to bring home another baby? Or is this all a waste of time?
I'm not getting younger, and I'm thinking I'm just out of time and having to wait to TTC again (thanks to this hematoma) is just adding to my frustration. I fear the longer we have to wait, the less enthusiastic I'll be for TTC.
Is that even true? Am I just still hormonal? Why can't I feel normal?
Sigh.
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