Lovely Lunch

Just back from a lovely lunch with my honey. We had Mexican, and it was super yummy. Today we chatted about work and life, and surprisingly, not so much about Natalya. So we're making progress. I do like this new tradition, and am happy to say date #2 a success. I'm so stuffed, probably won't eat much for dinner now. :)

It's Friday; I'm in Love!

Yes, that's right, all is well with the hub's and I. We had it out last night. An airing of grievances, and then kissed and made-up. Today we have our 2nd Friday mini lunch date and I'm really looking forward to it. At the end of the day, even when I'm the most angry, I love him and can't imagine my life without him in it. Yes, I'm still grieving my losses, and it's taking me longer to get over them, then he'd like. But it's my process, and he's now respecting my process. It's raw this week, and he now get's that. And because he get's that, he also get's "it". :)

I Love that man of mine!!!

What's up with people today???

Random but adding to my annoyed demeanor today.

On Facebook I've been playing with eating a "TWIX" but have been waiting to eat it, until I really needed it.

Today was that day.

Having a grumpy day, I finally caved and ate my TWIX candy bar. Then my husband's Aunt adds to my FB comment telling me she cleaned her toilet.

WTF??

I'm just so ticked off at people today. That was sooooo uncalled for. I responded (angry reply) that I had been dreaming of my TWIX for a few days now, and wondered had she dreamed of cleaning her toilet???

I fear this is not going to help my situation with my husband. I think it's best to just let this one go. I can't believe how angry I am/was.

I don't know. People around me having babies and getting divorces, it's all a bit overwhelming.

I love my husband, I do! I am so sad for those getting divorces, and I'm truly happy for those having babies. I don't know how I feel about me and my situation. I guess I'm confused.

I should be angry, I should be sad, I should be thankful.

It's all surreal.

Happy for her, sad for me

My co-workers very pregnant daughter just came in for a visit. She was lovely, and very pregnant. She's due in a few weeks. Again I find myself happy for her, but sad for me. Just another reminder of what could have been for me and Craig, that yet again, wasn't meant to be.

:*(

I wasn't sad, mad, or glad yesterday.

Today I am sad.

Rude awakening

Things were okay last night, a few tears shed and a veg out evening ensued. This morning, my stomach hurts. Then DH and I get in a fight over sex or his lack of getting sex from me. I'm so upset right now. I feel betrayed. I feel like just when I think he understands, he doesn't. I feel so alone right now.

I DOOOOOO want to be intimate with him. I even asked him to buy new condoms, the kind we both like. I am FERTILE at the moment and don't want to risk getting PG. We just can't for many many reasons. I want to ENJOY the sex too. Not just get him off. It's not fair. I hate feeling like this, I hate rejecting him, I hate that he presses when my awake child is in the next room watching cartoons, I hate that he sulks, and trys to make MEEEE feel like shit.

I wanted to just be in my numb self this week. And now I have this to deal with. My stomach still hurts, thank you so much ulcerative colitis, and now my heart hurts too.

So what a wonderfully crappy way to begin my day!

$&!@#$$&%*!%#@##%*&@!!!

Bought my TWIX

I'm hungry and not hungry simultaneously. Bought my TWIX, but haven't opened it. I should be eating something, but my constant snacking on crap most of today has kind of messed me up. I am watching movies at work today. Glad netflix got fixed. Finished Spinal Tap (awesome) and now watching Benjamin Button (cause I've never seen it before... so far, it's okay).

Tonight I have big plans with my DVR, and a bottle of RUM. Life can resume tomorrow.

Not Mad, Glad, or Sad

My EDD is tomorrow. It's been a stressful time with this date looming. Now that it's here, I wonder why I'm not sad. I should be in a fetal position locked up in my room watching Frasier reruns.

Yet, I'm not feeling sad and depressed.

I'm not mad either. I should be. I should be pissed off! I should be super angry for this loss, and for all my losses.

I'm not glad. I'm not in a happy place today, I'm just in a place of being.

I'm at work, I have no work to work on, I have Netflix and I have a numb butt from sitting at my desk with no activity. I am bored, yet again. I have searched for work to do, and there is nothing left to work on, so I sit here, sitting motionless, thinking, stewing...

How different today would be if I was bringing home a baby tomorrow. Would my butt also be numb? With my full womb?

Is just "being" enough? Should I tap into some emotion that is hidden under layers and layers? Am I too distant? Do I feel that I am not PG now because having another child is a task I am not capable of taking on?

I do have a short fuse. I do not want hugs and kisses. I do want to just play Zuma's Revenge, Bejeweled Blitz. I suppose, in some way, I do want to watch Frasier reruns.

I've now been through two EDD's with no bring home baby and not being PG again as I cross these dates. Maybe I'll never be PG again. Maybe that ship has sailed. Am I okay with this? I don't know. May never really know. May always have that longing for more but find peace with what I have.

I have a GREAT kid, and a wonderful husband. Sure, we all fight at times... a 4 year old is a challenge, and a husband is too some days.

But I love them unconditionally. I wouldn't want my life to be with out them with me.

So if I am cranky today, please know this may be a part of my reflection. If I don't want to cook dinner, this may be a part of my reflection. If I buy not one, but two TWIX candy bars, this may be a part of my reflection, and if I hug you tighter and kiss you all over, this too may be a part of my reflection.