My EDD is tomorrow. It's been a stressful time with this date looming. Now that it's here, I wonder why I'm not sad. I should be in a fetal position locked up in my room watching Frasier reruns.
Yet, I'm not feeling sad and depressed.
I'm not mad either. I should be. I should be pissed off! I should be super angry for this loss, and for all my losses.
I'm not glad. I'm not in a happy place today, I'm just in a place of being.
I'm at work, I have no work to work on, I have Netflix and I have a numb butt from sitting at my desk with no activity. I am bored, yet again. I have searched for work to do, and there is nothing left to work on, so I sit here, sitting motionless, thinking, stewing...
How different today would be if I was bringing home a baby tomorrow. Would my butt also be numb? With my full womb?
Is just "being" enough? Should I tap into some emotion that is hidden under layers and layers? Am I too distant? Do I feel that I am not PG now because having another child is a task I am not capable of taking on?
I do have a short fuse. I do not want hugs and kisses. I do want to just play Zuma's Revenge, Bejeweled Blitz. I suppose, in some way, I do want to watch Frasier reruns.
I've now been through two EDD's with no bring home baby and not being PG again as I cross these dates. Maybe I'll never be PG again. Maybe that ship has sailed. Am I okay with this? I don't know. May never really know. May always have that longing for more but find peace with what I have.
I have a GREAT kid, and a wonderful husband. Sure, we all fight at times... a 4 year old is a challenge, and a husband is too some days.
But I love them unconditionally. I wouldn't want my life to be with out them with me.
So if I am cranky today, please know this may be a part of my reflection. If I don't want to cook dinner, this may be a part of my reflection. If I buy not one, but two TWIX candy bars, this may be a part of my reflection, and if I hug you tighter and kiss you all over, this too may be a part of my reflection.
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