Thought I WAS normal, aka Adulting with Autism

When I was a kid (1980's), I was diagnosed with ADD (now ADHD), put on Ritalin, and mom and dad called it a day. While better behaved on the medication, it wasn't a complete fix (obviously). Autism Spectrum Disorder never came into the conversations with the doctors and therapists. We went to family therapy and I was even put into a girls group therapy environment. Mom and Dad would ship me off to grandma's, and then my grandma would call them to take me back. I gave her hives from the stress of not being safe and well, you know... typical behaviors associated with lack of impulse controls, etc. 

During my childhood I was informed by my mother that I was causing chaos in the family and that she and my dad nearly split up because of me (they didn't). That the chaos was my fault, and if I could just behave, just think before I acted... I think I was a teenager when she shared this. All because I had ADD and I suppose I behaved like I had ADD. I'm going to say it was most likely ADHD impulsive type. I never tossed a classroom, I never had severe tantrums that became physical, 

I was addicted to TV, and my Atari (my way of stimming). I stole an April Birthstone ring from JC Penny's because it was pretty and I wanted it. And I proudly wore it. It was probably no more than $5. My mom made me take it back, apologize to the store manager, and told me next time she was going to have me arrested and put into a jail cell. I was 7. Hmmm, maybe my mom got triggered by me.... I drew in wet cement and then signed my full name. I doodled with permanent marker on the walls at a nearby school, and again, left my name because I was proud of my art. They all called it vandalism and I had to do community service. Dad made me pick up trash around the neighborhood. 

When I shared with my parents that my son was diagnosed autistic, they read all the books and were engaged to learn more. When I shared my daughter was late diagnosed (she's 16) autistic, they nodded their heads, but didn't seem to really accept it.. she "doesn't look autistic" is what they were thinking. When I shared that I am autistic too, I got nothing from them. Maybe we're just too old now. I'm turning 50 in April, and both of my parents are in their late 70's now.

Also, I'm pretty sure my mom is autistic. She certainly has many of the traits. But when I suggested this to my father, he scoffed and confirmed my mother was NOT on the spectrum. Yet it's known to be hereditary, so...

That declaration stung. I finally understand myself, and it was dismissed. I expected a much different reaction I guess. I decided to research the disorder and research my family history to see where it all originated from. My family are all high achievers. I was the "least" successful as an adult. And yes, I'm coming up on my 50th birthday and yes, I have no idea what I'm going to do for retirement. Which is so sad and pathetic. I feel like I've never really grown up and I'm still a teenager mentally. I mean I'm smart. My entire family is. But I can't seem to get my life in order. It's just a day by day series of figuring things out for my kids before they turn 18 so they will have continued supports in place once adults. 

Emotions are a funny thing. I didn't get the reaction or validation I was seeking from my parents. But I did get it from my husband and my children. My sister in law gets it. My brother is slow to come around to an understanding... maybe he's autistic too?

If anything, my being autistic, with both of my kids, has brought the three of us closer together.

It's like we completely get each other, but the neurotypicals in our household still get confused looks on their faces every day because we're different. It's funny too, because I didn't think there was anything off with they way my kids were behaving/reacting, etc. because they're just like me.

And I'm normal! well... normal for me and therefore normal for them. I am happy that I'm finally understanding myself and my self-awareness came because of my children. To me, they're normal too. 

Now what? I mean, what do I do with this understanding and self-awareness?