Concerns

Concerns with having a second... in 2006 when Natalya was born, there was no doubt in my mind I wanted another. We tried, got PG, and had that devastating loss in 2008. Tried again, with another loss this year. 5 years have past since I had no doubt in my mind. I just turned 38. I work full time. Natalya is soon out of daycare and into kindergarten. Much new freedom is just around the corner with out having another baby.

I hated potty training, I am not good with sibling rivalry/friendship rivalry, and I question some days my ability to do it all again, as it was so hard this first time around and I'm not getting younger. Our home is too small for a 2nd child, we'd have to get a bigger place. We got rid of all of DD's baby stuff, so again, having to start all over. I have zero time off at work for the rest of this calendar year thanks to my surgery, and don't know if we could afford me coming off income to care for a small baby again.

If it was hard at 35, certainly it's harder at 39, which is how old I'll be if I get PG right now and carry full term. I never wanted to be a new mom again at 40. I figured at 40, I'd have 2 small children in Pre-K and Elementary school. No more diapers or potty seats. It just seems that I'm already battling age issues. I don't see as well anymore and am looking into reading glasses and/or a bifocal. I am less patient, and this seems to get worse the older I get. I have aches and pains associated with getting older. I have friends my age, and within 10 years of my age becoming grandparents!

But then I think how lovely another one would be. And that yes we've tried and tried and have met failure, but maybe there is one more opportunity to be successful. And with Craig now done with school, we may get to move/relocate near family, so I wouldn't feel all alone.

As difficult as it is when they are young, my goodness how rewarding they are when they're older and you become more than parent and child, but friends too.

I wonder if I have the inner strength to do it all over again. I wonder if Craig does as well. He feels that in 2006, yes, that was the correct decision, having another one, but we tried... TWICE, and it didn't work. Must just not be meant to be, and how lucky we are to have the one we have. She's great, and perfect, and he's come to peace with having an only child.

I do still toss and turn over this issue, and haven't found my peace or my answer. Do I really WANT another one, or do I just like the IDEA of another one? It's a big questions, and I just don't know how to figure out the answer. Suppose time will tell. The clock will run out or I'll find myself PG and rolling with it.

It's a struggle to figure out what is right for me, for Craig, for US. I've stopped tracking my cycles, not really using that feature on FF anymore. I know when I'm fertile, and when I'm not (more or less).

I know I can get pregnant, now I wish I knew if I should.

How do you make this decision? How do you find peace with your resolve? I wish I could just say with 100% certainty that yes we want another, or no, our family is complete.