Renewed Hope

I had the MRI on Wednesday and the results are now in. My OB called and informed me it's not as bad as they all previously thought, but that I will need a laprscopic robotic surgery to remove it. Just the mass, not the uterus. Once it's out, and some time to heal, I can get back to TTC, just have to have a c-section for delivery when we get to that point. So while I'm not looking forward to another surgery, there is a bit of renewed hope now.

Just got my percocet refilled. This is getting old.

Yes, once again, it's period time and it hurts like hell. My OB will have a refill slip for me to pick up tomorrow when I go in for the MRI. Now they think I have leftover baby from my D&E back in 2008 when I lost Alice. Why it went on for 2 years unnoticed and suddenly has manifested since my D&C in 2010??? That's a good question, don't you think?

Not thinking it's a "fibroid" but acting like a fibroid. Maybe as simple a fix as another D&C? Maybe just cut the uterus out and be done with all of this.

I'm in pain, doped up at home 'cause I hurt too much to go into the office. I can't keep doing this. Talking a day off because my period is here. I can't be a good worker, good wife, good mother like this.

I feel defeated, and broken, and just don't really know what to do next. It all seems so overwhelming.

MRI tomorrow, hopefully will have some answers and course of action to set in motion. As I stated to my OB on the phone, I can't live like this.

See you on Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=268982&id=603269834&l=c6f2c979a7
Link to my FB Photo Album with pics of Natalya on Roller Skates for the very first time.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=268462&id=603269834&l=8a3dd05459
Christmas 2010

Also...
ME on FB, if you wanted to friend me, just note I know you from FF. :)
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=603269834

Dammit. She's early!

I'm confused. I have AF starting today. ??? That makes my LP only 8 days. If you go by my LP always being 12-14 days, then I ovulated on the last day of AF this cycle?? And since I never Ovulate until CD 15 to 17, I just figured my O date was around that. I've never had a full cycle only be 25 days in total, especially with my flow lasting 10 days this time.

So yeah, I'm confused and a bit pissed. I've got a cold, so have held off being with DH figuring I have another week before AF comes, and with us both being off Monday and DD in daycare, thought we'd have an "us" day. He's been very patient with me, and now AF is here? And early?? WTH?

Which means the cramps from hell will be here tomorrow. I'm so frustrated. And a bit PO'd to boot.

Shocker I'm in a cranky mood today. Don't have to heart to tell DH AF is here today. I'm using an instead cup, and hope to get with him one more time before it get's too bad. Maybe tonight when DD goes to sleep. Day 1 hopefully won't be too messy. I know, yuck, right?

Merry Christmas

Hi Everyone, hope Christmas is coming to a nice end. We had quite a busy day. Up before the crack of dawn for gift opening, off to meals on wheels to deliver food (DD was a cranky pill, but kind of got into it toward the end.), then back home to nap and watch fun family movies. I got Despicable Me, and we just finished watching. Rather, DD watched and me and DH snoozed.

DH just brought me some hot tea. And he's cooking up dinner now. Think we're saving the steaks, since we're both fighting really bad colds. I've even lost my voice. Ha!

I got $200 to spend in GC at Lane Bryant (yay) and we're joking that I should be able to get 1 shirt with that. Not a cheap fat lady store, but really nice clothes that fit me. I should probably be able to get $200 to spread out well I suspect. Also got lots of new DVDs and I love movies so I'm pretty happy about that too. Oh and new slippers. :)

DH got LOTS more from me, and I think he feels bad, but really I'm happy with the gifts I got, and it was fun to watch him open my gifts to him.

DD likes most of what she got, but had us cracking up when she opened the box of clothes. She looked at the clothes, and said: Clothes?!? Dammit. We were ROTF! Was a funny moment. Now who taught her that word? (probably DH)

I'm tired, my back hurts and I'm bored

I've been doing more researching on this thing in my uterus. I really need to find something more positive to look at at the moment though. This not having anything to do between the hours of 9-5 and sometimes 6 sucks.

I'm so tired, I could collapse at my desk. I've been pretty nauseous in the evenings this past week, and having extremely painful back pain (which I've read will also get progressively worse as long as this thing is still in me and growing.) So I've been taking vicodin to get through the evenings, but it's making me really tired during waking hours.

Just need a good pain free puke feeling free night to re-charge my batteries.

Season's Greetings

Tonight we successfully did the Santa Photo. We told DD we were going out to dinner at the mall, and SURPRISE, there is Santa. What a nice coincidence. LOL. So we did the photo, dinner (happy meal happiness) then had DD pick out a girl and boy toy to buy and then put in the toys for tots barrel. Was a nice evening. So here's the photo/holiday card from us this year (we're just emailing/FBing it this year considering how this month turned out).

So here it is in all it's glory (click thumbnail):

Message from Santa to Natalya

Click here for a special Message from Santa to Natalya

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/mOUaOD2bRjLv_LAlObmwXQ

Made this from the pnp site again this year. Hoping Natalya will love it again.

My Year in Photos

Date Night Do-Over

Shopping is DONE! Now to get to the wrapping, baking, finishing the decorating (Found the missing box of holiday decorations tonight), making & scanning the x-mas family photo to all our friends and family (afraid we didn't end up having enough time to get cards out in the mail this year), and at least one more Costco run to get x-mas dinner and stocking candy...

This weekend is a date night do-over. We're looking to do a make up from last weekend (when I got sick and had to cancel date night). Natalya will be going to a friends home for the afternoon on Saturday. She'll bake x-mas cookies and help decorate them, play with two other little kids and a handful of older ones, and DH and I (fx) will finally get over to the movie theater to see Harry Potter.

I think Sunday we're going to brave the mall and attempt to get the santa photo. Yup, we're just that late. The nice thing though, is we don't have to "buy" anything at the mall, so will be going JUST for santa.

That and lots of laundry and gift wrapping to get to. Maybe even playing in the snow!

Not Fair

O pain again this month. 2nd month ever with O-pain (ovulation pain). So unfair. Now that my body is giving me this glorious indicator of ovulation, I can't use it!!!

Snowing Again

I'm at work today, yup made it in after all. It's snowing again, and going to be quite an accumulation over this week. So hoping the look outside will help me find my Christmas happy mood.

A co-worker today asked if Craig and I were better now after talking and I got to explain to her, there wasn't anything to talk about now, well, right now. And that my reality is that my baby making days are over. I got choked up. I think saying the words out loud finally hit home. I wish I could be home right now. Feeling sorry for myself, and not having much to do at the office isn't helping me from hiding from my thoughts.

You'd think with all the "extra" work, I'd have plenty to do. Damn me for being too fast at what I do. I powered through last week, and now here I am feeling dumb for having done so.

I think I'll bring a box in tomorrow and begin packing for my office move. I am supposed to move somewhere else the end of this month. One of two locations as a possibility. What is constant is that I will be leaving my present desk, so may as well begin cleaning out the clutter and boxing up my stuff.

Maybe I should bring in gifts to wrap here too. I know I should probably help out the "team" and pull from them, but the scrooge in me doesn't wanna.

Ok pitty party over, off to find something semi-productive to do for the next 2.5 hours.

Under Attack

Today I am under attack. Ulcerative Colitis attack, and it's a bad one. Have to postpone date night. I feel so weak today, and I'm annoyed that I had to have a flare up now. I wanted to go out with Craig so badly, but now I'm stuck in bed with a heating pad.

The worst part is my daughter thinks it's her fault. It's not at all her fault. I hate letting her down, but this isn't anyones fault, just happens. I hope to get my strength back ASAP. This is not the time of year to be down and out. Too much to do, you know?

Annoyed

Just found out that the health insurance plan I'm on ends Jan 31, so I have to find a new plan. Yay! My company has a high deductible plan I can go on, but it's not going to be cheap. Guess it's better than nothing. And now it seems I'm going to be spending some money on tests and procedures, so I ought to get this all figured out sooner than later. For sure I'm going to get as much done in Dec/Jan that I can.

Now for my rant:

Why do people in my real life tell me "not to worry until I have something to worry about"? Like that sound advice changes anything?

I
D O
H A V E
S O M E T H I N G
T O
W O R R Y
A B O U T !!!!

Presently, I am in pain. There IS this nasty mass hanging out in my uterus that's getting bigger. I'm on CD 10 and my period is still going strong. In fact, it's picked up the flow, and today I'm up to medium flow. Periods should not bleed this long.

Today my back hurts, my stomach hurts, I have a splitting headache, and my ulcer kicked in thanks to the added stress.

Sometimes Facebook sucks. You make a simple comment, and everyone in my family jumps on me, telling me I'm making much ado about nothing.

>:(
>:(
>:(

MRI scheduled 12/29 at noon

We're on the schedule for a MRI on Wednesday, 12/29 at noon. Craig and I will both take the day off, just easier I think.

All this stress hasn't done my ulcer any favors today. I'm going to cash a free 1 hr off work coupon and head out at 3pm. I have to pick up Natalya from preschool early anyway. Just easier to take her home and have hot chocolate, then bring her back to my office for an hour.

Sigh...........

My Hematoma has a new name...

Adenomyosis.

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Adenomyosis
http://women.webmd.com/adenomyosis-symptoms-causes-treatments

Hate it when life comes at you hard.

My head is still spinning. Baby making back on hold, doctors orders.

Looks like what my OB thought probably wasn't an issue is turning into an issue. The meeting of the minds now suggests I have something called "Adenomyosis".

The cause is unknown. Sometimes adenomyosis may cause a mass or growth within the uterus, which is called an adenomyoma.

This is what they think is happening to me, and if it is, 1) I won't be able to support a pregnancy; automatic m/c, 2) will continue to grow, making my uterus grow = no good, and 3) will have to come out either via robotic surgery, or full blown hysterectomy.

The next step is to have a MRI done. Just the thought of that process has me scared.

At least DH is being supportive again. He was soft and gentile tonight and after I got off the phone with my OB, I asked him to come over to me. I told him I needed to put the fight on hold, cause I was scared and needed him to hold me.

FWIW... he did.

So what IS Andenomuosis?

"Adenomyosis is uterine thickening that occurs when endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, moves into the outer muscular walls of the uterus.

The cause is unknown. Sometimes adenomyosis may cause a mass or growth within the uterus, which is called an adenomyoma.

Symptoms
Long-term or heavy menstrual bleeding
Painful menstruation , which gets increasing worse
Pelvic pain during intercourse

Treatment
Most women have some adenomyosis as they near menopause but few women have symptoms, and most women don’t require any treatment.
In some cases, pain medicine may be needed. Birth control pills and a progesterone-containing intrauterine device (IUD) can help decrease heavy bleeding.
A hysterectomy may be necessary in younger women with severe symptoms."

So this is what I'm dealing with. I'm the "younger woman with severe symptoms". Great.

Back on baby making hold, until more tests run. Hoping to have the MRI before the end of January.

Hopefully birth control pills can chill it out while we go through the tests, and then we'll see what we need to do next.

So... I'm scared, and trying not to get too ahead of myself. I am freaked out though.

Words Sting

talking solved nothing tonight. however we both agreed to keep talking, thinking, and being gentle. lots of tears from me tonight, and a bit of a scare about the solidity of my marriage.

DH questioned our sex life, wondering if we're better roommates. That really hurt. He said he feels the only reason we get together anymore is to make baby, and with me changing the timeline, I'm being selfish. That his wants, needs, fears, etc. don't matter because I just want another baby so badly.

Words sting.

He's perfectly happy with us not having another natural made baby. Maybe we'd adopt in the future. He just doesn't want to deal with me being preggo while he's graduating. Actually said he was being selfish, but didn't want to share the spotlight. (He graduates in May). He had thought we'd wait 6 months, he'd get this new job (which he hasn't even applied to/found yet) and then we'd go nutso in the baby dancing dept.

I told him it was unfair to make me endure this pain until he's ready, if he'll ever be ready. And that if he wanted to wait a year, we might as well just decide to be done now so I can move forward with figuring out what the heck is wrong with me and have what ever surgery needs to happen to feel whole again.

I told him I'm scared to lose my uterus. Not just because of the finality of not making anymore children, but that it's such a huge part of me. I told him I hate that I'm broken, but we said for better or for worse, sicker and poorer, etc.

I think he was speaking from pure emotion, not thinking before letting the words spill out. He felt bad after he spoke. We agreed to keep thinking, talking, and figuring all this out together.

I've been married for 7 years, but have had DH in my life for 17 years. I don't want to wake up and not have him be a part of my life. I for the first time ever, am worried about my marriage. I don't want another baby so bad, as to lose my best friend and husband in the process. I'm scared, I'm in pain, and now my heart is aching too.

When he is finished with this class (1 more week) we'll really be able to dig in and have a go at figuring this mess out.

ETA: It's been a rough 24 hours, for sure. I know this is a rough patch, and there will have to be some compromise. I am supposed to talk with my OB tomorrow afternoon. I will ask lots more questions, including getting on BCP to chill the cycle while we figure all of this out. Maybe we hold off a few months, and then try. Maybe when we do try, we use IUI to speed up the process. Don't really know. Just hate how we're both right and both wrong. Life get's too complicated sometimes.

SIS Update - not great news

My news isn't so great. I had my "fluid" test today, and the recommendation is hysterectomy, sooner than later, but the when is up to me and how much pain I can endure.

Meaning, my periods are going to stay nasty and continue to get progressively worse each month. She (my OB) gave me more percocet, and will be following up with me Thur after she reviews my diagnosis with the other experts at the practice.

The good news, we're ok to try and conceive immediately, and it was her recommendation to do so. (However, my husband really wanted to hold off, and now that needs to be re-addressed) Then after the PG ends, take the uterus at that point. So the news is bitter sweet. The mass in my uterus is getting bigger and moving into a less then ideal location. Thus my clock is truly running out.

So that's where we are. Now my husband and I need to re-group and decide what to do.

I'm still numb, but feeling pretty sad about all of this. I'm sure as the week progresses, the reality of it all will sink in. I'm hoping the news doesn't get worse on Thur. Just have to wait it out. I'm not due to ovulate for another 8-10 days, so hopefully DH and I can "talk" before then, and both be on the same page.

He didn't say much on the way home, seemed upset though.

saline infused sonohystogram (SIS)

Going to leave work at 2pm for my 3pm apt, so I have time to let the percocet kick in before I have to go in. Eeek.

saline infused sonohystogram (SIS)to see if my womb is still in good shape, if the hematoma is gone/still present, and if we'll get a green light for making babies, or be told we're done.

It's supposed to hurt, and I'm really scared.