What is "depression" anyhow?

This therapist thinks I'm depressed. Great. She wants my OB to chat with her after my u/s apt on Tuesday about prescribing me something to help. If I'm still "feeling" like this on Tuesday that is.

Should I find another therapist? Or is there something to what she is saying? Yes, I'm having a rough time emotionally, but I just figured it was because it took so long to recover physically that the emotional healing got pushed back. IDK

My DD is having yet another tantrum. I'm sure it's just because she's "that" age. I know it doesn't help my mood, but am I really depressed Seemed like a harsh assessment.

Guess I check in with my mood over the next few days.

Good day, bad night... I don't know what to do

I’m sick of it! DD treats me with such disrespect. She’s incredibly rude and horrible to me. I do everything I can to please her and it’s never enough. I’m crying. I’m dying inside for her to love me to like me, to be as nice to me as she is to her father. I must give her too much, and she exploits it. I know she doesn’t understand. I know she’s only 4. I know I’m the adult, but I’m fragile right now, and she still is pushing pushing pushing.

Maybe going back into the world was too soon. Maybe I am not truly ready? Why does this have to be this way? Why is my relationship with probably my only ever going to have child so volatile? I thought bad relationships with moms and daughters took years to develop. I’m a suck ass mom. She hates me. I can’t earn her love.

And he’s no help. She respects him. She listens to him. A true daddy's girl. He waits for it to all explode out of control and then has to referee after I’m screaming, she’s screaming, doors slamming and curse words muttered under my breath. WTH? Why can’t he help me??? Why do I even need his help? Single moms are successful. Where can I learn? Why don’t I get this? Why can’t I control my feelings and emotions? I’m a ticking bomb, so easily detonated. So is she.

I hate this. She’s screaming. I don’t know what to do.

I go back in to her room. We just cry in each other arms. I explain my point of view to her. She hugs me. She again asks for another story. This is what started all of this in the first place… tonight at least.

She softly asks for Daddy. I get him. She breaks down in his arms… she misses Kika, she misses Bear. Why did we have to give Kika away??? Why did she have to lose bear? They were her best friends and now they’re gone.

We all feel terrible. We’re all upset. We’re all crying.

I go into my room and get the final back up bear, and while he distracts her, I hide bear #5 in her room. We help her find him. She’s so happy. She’s not crying anymore. She loves us all again.

She’s asleep now. I know in my gut I’m a woos. I can’t hold my resolve with her. I just want her to have the happy childhood I didn’t have. I want her to have fond memories.

I still don’t know what to do. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I only know this can’t continue. I need help, just don’t know where to get it. Don’t want to be judged as a bad parent from a super mom that it all seems so easy for them. I have a daughter with ADD, I too have ADD. Neither of us are on meds.
Maybe I need to be for both of our sanity's.

Saying I'm OK is me just being polite!

Now here's a question I'm getting and I don't really know how to answer it.

"How are you felling/doing?"

You know, the generic question people ask. Do they really want an honest answer? I find myself at a loss of what to say. I'm back, but I'm not whole. I'm ok, but just ok.

I ran into a temple member the other day, and she asked this and I said I was OK. Just OK. She kept pressing for more of a conversation, but I didn't want to and was running late to pick up my DD.

That very night, she emails me asking for a favor. And stated... good to see you. glad you're ok now. Guess I can ask for this now...

Ugh. It kind of pissed me off. I'm not ok. I don't want to do favors for people, and I don't know how to act in polite society now.

Back to work

So far, today is a better day. DD is still sick, but DH stayed with her this morning. I went in to the office to find out today is team building day, so we all went out to lunch together. Wasn't my plan, but if I went, I'd get a full days pay for only working a few hours. Since I was only going to work a few hours anyway, this worked out as a nice surprise pay wise. I had a nice lunch with my co-workers, and now I'm home the rest of the day. I don't know how it'll go with DD since she seems to feel worse as the day grows late. So far so good though. She's watching a DVD, and I'm sitting with her on my laptop.

I did have to cancel my haircut apt for today, but maybe I'll get it done this weekend.

Work people that I did interact with were plenty nice and seemed happy to see me back. And I only cried twice. Once after an angry property manager yelled at me for something I knew nothing about, and once after my supervisor coming over and talking with me. She's known about the PG and MC and all of this since I POAS and got that bfp.

So I'm glad I'm out/off for the day, and glad I'm taking it slow. May do 1/2 time all next week too, just have to see how it goes. I do suggest to any/all that can, to ease back in to the new normal. I think it's keeping me from cracking up completely.

Feeling Picked On and Pissed Off

I'm having one of those crap days. My DD is still sick, some mysterious high fever that only appears in the evening. What is that???

She lost or threw out her "bear" lovie, and we have searched high and low, even in the dumpster in the pouring rain looking for it. She kept telling us it was here, it was there, it was everywhere, but the truth is she just doesn't know. It's a puzzle, cause if bear didn't get tossed, then where the heck is it?? Bear is gone.

Now I'm getting crap on FB for having the nerve to complain, vent about it, and apparently the problem is mine, not hers. Excuse me, but I know my DD loves that bear more than anything and when it comes time for bed she's going to freak out! I gave her a replacement "bear" but it's not the same color, age, smell, etc. I loved her bond with that lovie, and maybe I am more upset from the loss of the sentiment, but still, be gentle with me, hunh? I'm a bit more emotional these days.

Oh, and then when I snuck into my room for a moment she pee'd on my new sofa, then blamed me!! Said it was my fault for not putting her in a pull up. That made me see red. Not only was it not my fault, she was continuing to LIE to me about it. She said she fell asleep and because I didn't give her a pull up to wear, that's why she pee'd. But she didn't fall asleep. She was just too busy to be bothered. I had to cancel my therapy apt today, and also NOT go into work to stay home with this sick kid.

Now she still has this fever, and won't go to pre-k again tomorrow. I asked DH to stay with her in the AM and I'd switch with him at lunch just so I can get 3 hours at the office!

I'm a wreck, and am seriously excited for her to just go to bed so I can get a break! My back, neck, and head are killing me. I'm so tired I can't think straight. I know she's cranky 'cause she's sick, but I'm so angry that she's lying and that she just "tossed" her bear away.

The more she goes on, the more angry DH is getting too. We both feel manipulated and tricked and we're doing all this because we love her so much, and both feel that we're being spit on.

I should just have a swift drink and go to bed, let Dh deal with her the rest of the night, but I know I won't/can't. I know I'll be right back in this in the next 10 min.

SIGH.

I guess I probably should have gone to therapy today afterall. I've rescheduled for Thu. Should be interesting to see if I actually make it.

This week not going well at all.

Things picking up... for the sick kiddo

Update on Natalya... we think maybe this IS just a 24 hr thing, as she seems much better this morning. FX we all go back to normal tomorrow. :)

Sick and Tired

So now my DD is sick. We think she may actually have a mild case of the chicken pox! She was exposed to the virus last week apparently at her pre-k, and while she is vaccinated, she can still get it.

I looked up chicken pox sypmtoms online and this is her exactly:
[i]"Some kids have a fever, abdominal pain, sore throat, headache, or a vague sick feeling a day or 2 before the rash appears. These symptoms may last for a few days, and fever stays in the range of 100°-102° F"[/i]

She's been complaining of a sore tummy and headache the past two days, tonight she has a fever 101.5, and had shivering chills for over an hour until I could get the baby motrin into her. Thank god for that, she felt so much better after it kicked in.

So needless to say, we are hopeful for a 24hr bug, but are preparing for the pox. At least she probably won't get the itchy blisters, thanks to her being vaccinated. She'll just feel like crud for a few days.

Which means, no pre-school, and this is a short week, so no school on Thu and Fri anyway.

Guess what this may do to my returning to work!

So tomorrow, DH is going in to his work in the AM, and will come home at lunch so I can go in to my work and make an "appearance". At least that's the plan thus far.

I've alerted my office of this plan, and hopefully we'll get through tomorrow with little to no bumps.

Needless to say, I'm VERY glad I had a "me" day today.

To do it all over again, could we?

I have to wonder, if we (DH and I) DO get PG again, would it be better to announce it right away, or better to keep it all a secret again?

I'm now leaning towards telling the world the first day I POAS and see PG again. This way, if I was to cope with another loss, the compassion and support would be there earlier for me.

But then I wonder, if I'll ever see a PG on an HPT again. I just don't know if the strength is here to TTC again.

At this point I suppose it's all too soon to make a decision as to whether we'll try once again, or just be done with all of this. I selfishly assumed the decision was mine alone to make. But DH has feelings too, and since this is another loss for him, we both wonder if either of us has the strength to try all of this again for yet another possible heart ache.

Neither of us wants to make the definitive decision, but it's kind of out there and on our minds, yet I'm struggling with the finality of it. Could I really be the person that can accept being done? Could he? Could our hearts? Can we be strong again? And if so what happens if we fail again? Or if blessed finally?

I wonder when we'll get to the place we can rationally and not emotionally charged make the decision to try or not to try.

Going to attempt to rejoin the human population

Going back to work this week.

For Monday, I plan to get up with he family, and drive the "carpool". That gives me a "schedule" and out of the house. And a practice run, so to speak.

Then I'll get back to the office part time beginning Tuesday, just after my therapy apt, and then the rest of the week 9-12.

I'm still crying, and hormonal I suppose. Why is this so hard?

DH Blessings to this plan given after discussion and tears from me.

So we'll give this all a try. Going to get a haircut or maybe just sit at a starbucks trying to blend back into the human population. Maybe back to the library. I like it there.

I just sent word to the office too, so hopefully they'll spread the word of my return before Tuesday. Don't know why it's important for me that they all know to expect me back, just suppose I want to avoid shock, and surprise. That and dumb comments from being taken off guard so to speak.

A new day, a new plan

Taly woke us up early. I got up to help her, and let Craig sleep in. Taly and I went on a early donut run. Lots of fun, but she was miffed we didn't eat at Dunkin Donuts.

Get home, wake up Craig and get down to donuting. Taly had MORE than her share, so now completely hopped up on sugar.

Then Taly and I clean up and head back out, off to the playground. After a goodtime, we ventured over to the library where we checked out a ridiculous amount of books. More than her weight, that's for certain.

Managed to keep her go go going until 1:45pm. Now it's time to chill out 'cause I'm worn out. I think Taly is having a sugar crash wind down too. Maybe we can both get some rest.

I'm proud of myself for getting out. Have tomorrow to plan out, as Craig will still be doing homework and unavailable. And I kind of want to get my hair done. It's too long and too grey.

Maye I can get out tomorrow??? I just don't know. If nothing else, we'll go to price chopper so Taly can play in the "playroom" there while I have a cup of coffee and a bagel.

A new day, a new plan.

2 AM Ramblings

I'm sad. Just sad. I want to be glad, but am stuck at sad.

I can't focus, not really, and I can't decide if I want to blank out to mindless TV, or if I want to see a tear jerker flick than brings on the tears.

Tonight my daughter got to go to Pizza Putt with her Dad giving me a break and allowing me some ME TIME this evening. It was great and terrible. I wanted to be with them, but am so lethargic and exhausted from just, well, being.

I feel like the only way I can get through, is to avoid, and just be numb. That's not healthy.

I'm anxious. When does that chill?

It's 2am on Saturday. I'm struggling to work out a plan for the day (Craig is grad schooling all day) and I'm struggling to work out a plan to return to work full time beginning Monday.

I think it's going to be too much (going to work) and I'm scared. I know we need me to go back. Maybe just this 1 week I can go half time? Got to check in with Craig on that, and the car situation.

Time for some sleep aids, again.

9/23/10 marks 2 years since Alice

Was all a bit too much for me yesterday, and by days end I lost it. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. Being the 2 year anniversary of my first loss, Alice Rose, and getting out of the house was all too emotional.

Have DD home with me today all by ourselves. DH is bringing home McD for lunch with a surprise happy meal for DD and tonight we're planning to go to pizza putt (VT's version of a chuck e cheese). Just have to see how I am later today. Right now, at 9:30am, seems like a good plan. lol.

TTC isn't easy

Saw these and thought I'd share. The website is:

Ugh, is this postpartum depression?

I think PPD has sunk in. Today I lost it and broke down in tears just trying to unload the dishwasher, and knocked over a cup of hot coffee that spilled all over the clean dishes.

DH called my OB for a therapist referral. Thought I was handling all this better, but now it seems I'm not. Maybe having a therapist again will help. I'm going to see one on Friday this week.

I still haven't been back to work. More because I can't deal with the emotional pain than the physical pain.

We also had our 7th wedding anniversary yesterday and DH brought me roses and cooked me a steak dinner. Wow! We were postponing the celebrations (so I thought), so it was nice.

The evening got the best of us and we sort of DTD. My OB would be pissed. It was awkward and nerve wracking. At the end he pulled out, so we're telling ourselves we're safe. But really we both know better.

So we'll just see what happens, if anything, from that.

OB told us not to TTC until the bleeding/bruise is gone. We have a fup U/S on Oct 5 to check. My bleeding has stopped, and I've been having EWCM. I have no idea if I ovulated/am ovulating 'cause I'm not tracking anything this cycle. So we'll see what happens on that end.

On the therapy end, I was in heavy therapy when we lost Alice so know it can help. My new insurance covers 8 sessions, and then I guess the Dr. just requests more if needed. That's how it worked before with my other insurance plans in the past. I am hopeful for getting to a mental place when I can just get back to the office. Thank goodness for family leave. I didn't use it when I lost Alice and I really should have. I didn't know I was entitled to it back then. This time my office is being great about everything, so I feel the pressure is off there for now. I just need to get through each day, you know?

Thanks for all your support. I think I DO want to TTC at least once more, and see how it pans out. Maybe 3rd time's the charm? Trying to stay positive, although at the moment, it's kind of hard to do so.

I Like Me, I Miss Me

Was going to go back to work this morning, but just couldn't bring myself to go. I think at this point it's more heart ache then tummy ache. (but yeah, still had the sharp pains)

I am still so hormonal, and feeling icky from everything. I feel like I've stepped out of my regular life and fear getting back into it. I'm also having EWCM so it seems that I'm ovulating again, which feels so sad. So wasteful and knowing that even if I caught that egg, it probably would end again in tragedy.

I wonder if I'd feel like this if it was all happening to me at age 27 instead of age 37? I'm just feeling like an old fat cow that needs to be put out to pasture. All of this at 37 really makes my odds crap, and makes me feel the fool for continuing to try.

I hope I can get out of this funk, and get back to being me. I like me and miss it.

Tomorrow is my 7th wedding anniversary, and Craig and I are planning to celebrate a little later on when we're both in a better place.

The plan is to recoup some $$ from my being out of work, and then get a babysitter and have a nice night out. We surely need one.

Regardless of my heart and hurt tomorrow... I WILL GO TO WORK!

Questioning my inner strength

Now that I've had 2 back to back loses spread out over two years, I am finding myself questioning if I even have the inner strength to try again. Today i wonder, what's the point? It's only going to end bad, and why am I so obsessed with another child anyway? I mean, I have a great child and I'm blessed to have her.

Shouldn't she be enough? Some days it's really hard to parent her. What am I thinking wanting a 2nd one? I'd have to deal with all the things I didn't like all over again. Potty training again??

Then I think about the wonder of holding a new little life, so dependent, and so unconditionally loving. How could I NOT want that again?

But can I get there? Do I have the strength for more upset, pain, heartache, disappointment, failure? Would I actually be able to bring home another baby? Or is this all a waste of time?

I'm not getting younger, and I'm thinking I'm just out of time and having to wait to TTC again (thanks to this hematoma) is just adding to my frustration. I fear the longer we have to wait, the less enthusiastic I'll be for TTC.

Is that even true? Am I just still hormonal? Why can't I feel normal?

Sigh.

More cute-ness

My nearly 4 year old, sacked out just before dinner. As she like's to say, Oopsie! Hope she doesn't wake up at 2am wanting to eat. Craig is going to get her into her bed shortly, just had to take a photo.

Stuck

Thought I'd see how long I could go without pain pills today. Was hoping I'd feel great, thus don't need, thus can get back to work. I made it to 1:30pm, then had to take a pill. Wish it was fast acting. :/

It's a sharp stabbing pain. ugh. Don't know if I WILL make it to the office tomorrow now. I'm getting so stir crazy. I think once I too feel normal again, I can move past all of this. Presently, I just sort of feel stuck.

Fat I am

Have to just vent... I still seriously am swollen and still can't zip up my pants. It's not right/fair to have to cont. to wear the bella band when there is no baby. I'm just FAT now. And feeling blah, physically, emotionally, just all around. I'm sure the swelling is from the bruise and all, but it's just so depressing. You know?

Wish I was a better mommy.

And questioning my parenting skills. I let my Natalya get away with everything. I'm letting her be a spoiled kid. It's my fault, not hers, and I don't know what to do to nip this all in the bud.

She knows that if she wants something, all she has to do is cry, whine, and scream, and she'll get it. I'll do anything to get her to stop whining and crying. She knows it gets to me and I don't know what to do about it. I hate to hear her cry, but I also hate being manipulated. I feel like I'm a terrible parent. I can't seem to do a good job with one, how am I ever going to be able to take care of two.

Maybe that's why I keep having pregnancy losses. Maybe it's the universes way of keeping me in check. Just be happy with the ONE kid you have, because you can barely handle that.

Am I a hack parent? How can I keep my kid from being a brat and manipulating me? I try my hardest and feel like I'm a huge failure.

How do I get her to behave? How do I get her to eat? How do I get her to be NICE to US?

I don't like all the yelling from either of us. I hate the tension in the house. I hate being so drugged up that I lack the energy/strength to take her out to play. I hate everything about the way I feel, emotionally and physically.

This ~ in a nutshell ~ SUCKS.

I want my little girl to love me and respect me and I want to love and hug, and kiss her and give her everything she needs and deserves. I need her to not walk all over me and understand that if/when she misbehaves, she IS going to get in trouble. I'm just pathetic with my follow-through and she knows it.

Ok, thanks for the vent. On the good side, I'm guilty of loving her too much. I'm guilty of just wanting her to be happy, healthy, and all around a great kid.

Maybe we (her dad and I) need to put things into real perspective. Maybe it's time to whittle down the ridiculous amounts of toys, and non-essentials. Maybe that would help "get her grounded".

I just don't know, and figure, no one is really going to tell me. I just needed a place to journal my thoughts, pain, sadness, and frustration.

Long weekend

Just when I think I'm superwoman, and stop taking these medicines, I get a lovely reminder that I'm not. Had to sit down 'cause felt like I was just kicked in the stomach again. Craig is super tired and I'm a sloth not being able to help with Taly and the house. I hate it. I'm so hoping to be able to return to work on Tuesday, but have to wait and see. Ugh.

Follow up scan today

And there is still a bruise. Kind of nasty looking actually. At least it's not POC, and it didn't get bigger. So that's the good news. The bad news... can't TTC until it's completely gone. Boo. Have to go back in another month to do a re-scan to see if it's gone/smaller, etc.

Still spotting, and apparently I'm going to go from spot to bleed to spot to bleed, for a while.

OB gave me a script for codeine tylenol, but have to sort out my new health insurance before I can get it filled. Sent a note to my HR mgr, and hoping to get the needed info before the long weekend.