Happy Birthday Natalya

Only because I'm feeling way nostalgic. Here's my photo progression of Natalya. Can't believe she's 4 today!

Natalya (DD) was born at 12:11pm via scheduled c-section due to being "Frank Breech" at Fletcher Allen Health Care in Burlington, Vermont on Thursday, October 25, 2006.

When I first saw her I was immediately in love. Even said "She's so cute!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALYA! MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!

Here are some photo's through the years:

A birthday weekend Slideshow

Princess in combat boots get's her Pillow Pet

Pillow Pet Bliss. Got to love this, right?

New Strider Bike - day 1

This is the new bike we got Natalya for her 4th birthday. She kept stopping to re-set the singing dog... Sings "Witchdoctor" and flaps his ears. Thank you grandma. :)

Happy Birthday Dear Natalya...

Singing Happy Birthday to my newly turned 4 year old. More cake on her actual birthday 10-25-10. This is the "ice cream cake" It was really yummy.

Frog Hopper Ride at Pizza Putt

Natalya's FAVORITE ride at Pizza Putt. She is super brave.

Stupid Comments IRL - STILL!

Today a friend in real life (IRL) suggested that I stop trying, since I've had 2 losses now clearly I can't handle carrying a pregnancy anymore. This person... a man... and close family friend too. Ugh.

I'm not done, until I am done. Meaning, if the OB comes back and says I can't, or I have to have a hysterectomy... then, yes, I'm done, but if not, then it's my body, my choice, and my husbands choice.

He's a dear friend, but I so wanted to strangle him, and this at my daughter's birthday party. The more I think about it, the more steamed I'm getting. >:( At least the rest of the day was a success, and my kid is a happy new 4 year old. (technically not until Monday though) ;)

Freezing and Fun

Sitting here drinking my coffee and watching the snow flurries out my window and I begin to accept that winter is here. Usually we get snow on or just after Halloween. This year it's a week early. And next week we're having a heat wave in the mid 60s. with up and down temps in the weather, it's a wonder we all get so sick this time of year.

Was so annoyed with Craig this morning. Last night after I fell asleep he turned on the fan and opened the window. It was below freezing last night, and this morning, I was freezing. Did I mention the window was on my side of the room??

I slept horribly (now I know why), I'm exhausted, have a headache and the beginnings of a sore throat.

I kind of nagged him first thing this morning too, and feel bad about that, but also feel bad that I feel icky. Time to just shake it off and move on, right?

This weekend should be fun fun fun though. I hope at least. We're having Taly's 4th birthday party tomorrow, Sunday a trip to Costco and the grocery store to pick up her "photo" birthday cake, and Monday night a dinner/cake playdate on her actual birthday, so it's turning out to be 2 birthday parties for her. Lucky girl.

I'm doing the marathon today finishing up the final details for her party tomorrow. Kind of glad it's a small guest list now. (had 2 kids cancel last min). Just have to do the last bit of presents and sign/decorate her cards.

Then I'm DONE! :)

Oopsie

Every night on our drive home, we notice how perfect the evening light is to take some great photos. We alway's forget the new camera. Tonight, a BIG storm in, dark dark sky and sunny out. I remembered to grab the new camera. I call up DH and tell him to be ready to go, the lighting is perfect and we'll get some wonderful pics tonight. I pick him up, he's drooling about how gorgeous the sky is. We pick up DD at her preschool, maneuver through rush hour traffic, and get to the scenic overlook park. We get out and scout the perfect location. Get the camera all set up and........ Dead battery! ...Sigh... I think DH teared up a little. Spare battery has just now been ordered from Amazon.

Birthday party blues

Now I have the birthday party blues. One of the families just cancelled on us for this Sat. party. Now I'm paying for 4 kids, only have 3, and two are siblings/grandchildren of my friends. Don't know their parents well and now have none of Taly's "friends" actually coming. :(

So DH is mad, and scrambling to invite more children. I say let it alone, it is what it is. Getting a last min. invite 3 days before hand, can't think folks will just be sitting around waiting for us to come along with something fun for their kid to do. There is so much family stuff going on this weekend it's (our party) a hard sell.

I guess I'm sad because we just don't have friends here. Even with DD in pre-k the kids we invited all declined. Most had other plans even though I did send invites 3 weeks ahead. Also a month ahead with a save the date!

On Monday night, her actual birthday, we're having one of the last min. cancelled families to our home for dinner and cake and the girls can play. So I'm salvaging what I can.

The weather forecast tomorrow through Monday (her actual birthday)... Rain, wind, cold!

So much for going to the park to ride the new bike she's getting.

I'm hurt and sad, but still hopeful she'll still be happy and have a good time. She's not going to remember this, right?

I can't even have my co-workers come at this late date. My manager's son turns 5 on Sat. and most of them are going to her party.

So there is a huge affair for him somewhere else. Also, I could just cancel our party, but already paid the deposit...

Sigh

Thanks for letting me vent. Just need a hug right now.

BORED

Seriously can I please have something to do????? I hate sitting at my desk at my office and have NOTHING to work on. There are only so many sites one can surf/visit during the course of the day. I have a 66 property portfolio, and did an extra 6 properties as well! That's 72 properties at 1/2 time at the office and I'm still done way before deadline and so ridiculously bored. I've read my books, I've watched my i-pod tv, I've surfed the mommy boards, and it's not even 1pm. I hate to complain because seriously, just sitting here, the act of sitting in the seat is earning me $14/hour. But with the level of boredom I begin to question if I really need that $14/hour. I know that yes, in fact, we do, and I sit here being bored for the good of my family. So thankful that my work recognized how bored I truly am and how they are in the process of getting their act in order to begin training me for more work. But here I am ready to start, and nothing but silence. Are they really going to wait until AFTER deadline?? So frustrated and antsy. Ready for action, but stalled out.

Tired

So very tired today. Not certain why really. Then tonight at bedtime... Natalya asked about the baby again. Expressed that it wasn't fair. Not sure what to say when she asks, and she's been asking more and more lately.

Lights, Camera, Action

Playdate with Willa:



Heated Discussion with the Dark Pumpkin:



Why can't we be friends?

Playing

Good day today, but I am so tired now. Play date for 3 hours this afternoon... wow... a long 3 hours for me. I thought one demanding little girl was a challenge. two was more than I was really prepared for. Kept me on my toes, that's for certain. But goodness they were cute.

Tomorrow, if the weather dries up, we're hoping to get over to the pumpkin patch. If not, not meant to be this year.

Every weekend the rest of this month is busy/booked between Halloween happenings and birthday parties. Which reminds me... I've got to get cracking on the wrapping. And I still have to find a gift for one of the birthday parties. Where is the time going????

Coping. Small Steps

When I first lost the baby, I vegged out and watched DVR'd sitcom re-runs. I took a lot of time off work, and did finally get myself to a therapist. I feel a little better with each day, but it's lots of small steps, you know?

The gym is a great outlet. I also started reading junk books. You know, titles like Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Being busy at my work, once I did go back also helps. Keeps my brain occupied. And still I feel choked up at times.

I'm so thankful/grateful for the promotion. The timing is perfect for me. Will help keep me a busy worker bee, which is really welcome right now.

I want to and need to cry, let it all out. So I made sure to DVR/Netflix some movies gtd. to bring on the waterworks.

I also re-visited my 1st losses memorial, and re-listened to the music we played. I find music very healing. I remember when putting the memorial together, the task of selecting the music and figuring out what we were going to do/say or not say was very therapeutic for me as well, and helped give me the closure I needed. We did the memorial for her on the 1 year anniversary of the D&E.

Broken Promise

We decided to include Natalya with this PG from early on, and that also meant including her in the loss, yet it's a hard concept for a 4 year old to grasp.

She still asks me about the baby, what happened to her, why isn't she still in my belly, etc. She also pretends to carry the baby (a ribbon bunched up in her hand) and says things like.... this is the baby, she died, I will protect her and keep her... It takes me back a step. I know she's just trying to understand death, but with it all so raw right now, it's hard not to cry.

We talked up her being a big sister and I feel like I broke a promise. I know it's not my fault, but I feel by losing the baby I let my DD down. I also don't yet know if/when I can get PG again, so I may not get the chance to make good on my promise of a sibling for her. That also breaks my already broken heart.

I think if/when I can get PG again, I would tell everyone I knew as soon as I knew, but I would wait to tell her as long as I could.

More work please!

Today has been interesting. Good interesting. I was working at my desk when my GM instant messaged me that he wanted me to come and chat with him. I got kind of freaked out, thought the repremand was surely coming.

.....not coming to the staff meeting, late into work, leaving early, working PT when we hired you for FT....

Turned out he wanted to check in with me and see how I am feeling emotionally and physically. Then he apologized to me for being late with my annual performance review and explained I should be getting it in the next couple of weeks. (It was due Aug. 1).

Then he added that he's been very pleased with my work, and how quickly I get things done. That I'm the fasted and most accurate Analyst he has on staff. He noticed that at the end of the month since I'm always done with my work early I tend to have much too much free time on my hands... twiddling my thumbs... and/or I'm desperately looking for something to do.

So he offered me a promotion. YES! A promotion. Now I'm going to be learning a new job in addition to the one I'm already doing, adding to my skill set and resume padding. Yes, I am one that does care about that stuff.

Turns out he wanted to offer me the promotion back in the beginning of Sept., but for obvious reasons he had to wait, and then wasn't certain if I'd still be willing/wanting to take it in lieu of all that's happend. But after monitoring my workflow this month, and seeing that even at Part Time, I'm still the fastest producer in the office, he felt I was mentally up for the task.

Guess I can now expect my evaluation aka performance review to be favorable.

Also, my performance review comes with a 3% raise and the promotion comes with an even higher salary increase on top of the annual raise, so extra money will begin to come in, which is also very good seeing as I've been out and PT for a couple month's now with no pay for no work.

He's astonished that this month, my first month back I'm still basically done with my work, yet again early, and this time I did it working 1/2 the time.

So YAY!

I can't really tell anyone here until he makes the official announcement, but I'm just bursting. Here I'm expecting to get the official "axe" and instead it's quite happily the opposite.

I'm actually quite grateful for more work. I find having all this work to do really keeps my mind from wandering to that dark place of depression and sadness, and since I can't TTC maybe this will be a welcome distraction.

...... oh and we just picked up DD's new bike at lunch, so there's that too!!! .....

To stay or To go?

I'm sitting at work. Been an energizer bunny with processing my reports and now I'm in a lull. Waiting for data to move forward, but not really being enthusiastic to grab someone else's work... my excuse... I'm not all here. So I'm twiddling my thumbs, and contemplating calling it a day to head home and get a nap in. I'm super tired. Had horrible insomnia last night and HAD to get up early so DH could make his early AM meeting. Need to do it all again tomorrow for MY early AM meeting. Hah.

Now that the work flow is not flowing, I find myself getting lost in my thoughts. Not a terribly great place to be when at work.

Maybe I need to bring a book in? Wondering if they'd cut me slack 'cause of my situation? (Here, if you're done and or waiting for data, you are suppose to help out your co-worker with their portfolio's too)

I just don't want to take someone else's work and try to figure out the back history. At least with my own portfolio, I know the history already and makes it easier to deal with, even when the reporting is a nightmare. Guess I prefer my own nightmare to someone else's.

So should I stay and surf/read a book, possibly getting reprimanded, or say screw it and veg out at home until it's time to get DD and DH from daycare and work?

ETA: crap... cramps. sigh. Guess I'm heading home to my heating pad.

After midnight ramblings

In the evening I struggle to find sleep, and in the morning I struggle to wake up. How can I get this reversed??? This insomnia blows.

So how are you?

How am I? Okay, not okay.

My first post m/s AF has finally ended. My complications from the D&C sadly have not, so I'm still "recovering" and now on TTC hold, The BC (Birth Control) was great in getting the prolonged and overly heavy AF to end, but kind of frustrating to have to be on it. I know it's for the best, but still feels like I'm going the wrong way to TTC.

I was saying physically I'm healed, and still working on the emotional, but truly, that's really not the truth. I have gone back to work, but notice that the "pain" seems to return towards the afternoon, and my OB has prescribed me more percocet for the pain, which I can not take while working resulting in my still only working part time. I had hoped to be mostly full time starting today, but only made it to 2:30pm

My work has been incredibly cool about all of this, but I really am emotionally ready to be back to normal. Guess, I'm more emotionally healed then physically.

Still checking in with a therapist. Not sure how long that's going to continue.

IS my shopping therapy really helping? I am having a blast buying the perfect gifts for DD, but have truly gone overboard.

Enough clothes to revamp her fall/winter wardrobe including shoes, boots, slippers, etc.

Pillow Pet Unicorn from Grandma. Lots of new books to add to her library.

Belle Barbie, 2 my little ponies (hope I got the right ones) and some Strawberry Shortcake dolls including the apparently much desired Lemon Meringue.

Getting the running/balance bike this week most likely too. Now with all the clothes, and books, and costumes.... it's a bit out of hand and I've got to sort thru what's going to be birthday and what's going to be x-mas.

Seriously, I want to give this all to her. She so deserves it. It's been a rough summer for the family and she's mostly been great through out. But I also know logically, I need to go less on b-day and go big at x-mas. What's enough to keep a newly 4 year old happy??

Is her happiness key to my own? Is this still the hormones? BC hormones mixing in??

I'm confused about my feelings, and beyond overtired. So ready for the insomnia to go away.

Sorry for the rambles of an insomniac after midnight. Bwarsh.... after hours! lol.

The lessor of two evils - strikes back

So the lessor of two evils is back with a vengeance. Yes, advil is NOT my friend.

All the advil I took last week has flipped my ulcer into attack mode. But hey, at least my period stopped, even if it meant having to go on BC pills, it's better that the bleeding is done for now.

The blood blob is still intact inside. Boo! But I don't feel it as long as I don't shake it up in there... meaning no orgasms for me for now.

Sesame Street: Smell Like A Monster

Because everyone loves a parody. Happy Friday!

Going backwards to move forwards

My OB just called me. Fresh out of the meeting of the "minds" and the consensus is...

We don't know what the heck that thing is. Never seen THAT before.

Lovely.

So now the recommendation is to wait on TTC for 3 months.

Meanwhile, my AF presently is crazy painful, and abundant so I have to go back on birth control pills to thin out the lining. If the "pain" and flow doesn't lighten within 6 hours, I'm to double up on pills the next day. Also, since I'm not supposed to be taking this much ibuprofen, if the pain is still really bad tomorrow, I'm to call early and get a script for more heavy duty drugs.

In 2 months and 1 day after my period ends, I will go in for a "fluid" test where they do another internal u/s and then put in some saline to check the walls, and look, I guess for leaks.

At that time they can determine if this "bruise" aka the fluid blood ball is gone, reduced, or will appear to cause future damage to any future pregnancies.

So now we wait some more.

It's weird taking birth control again. Feels like a step backwards.

Off to lay down with my heating pad now.

Made it through lunch at the office today!

Today I made it through lunch at the office. It's 12:30 and I'm still here. Eating at my desk and avoiding the crowd in the breakroom, but still it's progress.

However, I think I'm only going to make it another hour or so as my cramps are kicking back up as well as the AF flow. My stomach is killing me and I may have to grab some of those leftover percocets, and lay down with my heating pad before it's time to drive the mom taxi back around to pick up the family.

ETA: MADE IT TO 4PM!!! Woo Hoo!

Therapy cont.

Saw the therapist today. Thankfully she no longer thinks depression and is happy to not push me to medicine aids. I'll give her another go next week, but will cont. to shop behind the scenes. Can you believe my session began with her venting/complaining about her DD? Excuse me, isn't this my dime and my time?

In general, I think what's going on with me is I'm just getting old and bruised up. I can apparently get pregnant, have 3 times now, just gets harder and harder to stay pregnant. Maybe the final answer is to just stop altogether. I need some concrete answers though. I hate all this... maybe there's still a chance, let's try x-y-z.

At least the bleeding chilled out, barely a trickle today.

weirdest AF I've ever had.

ETA: Around 5ish, I began having horrible cramps again, and a few hours later, gushing flow again. Huge purple clumps of bloody ick. It's gross, painful, and messy. I've never had a AF like this before.

Hopefully this is all miscarriage leftover and that's it, and this will ALL be over soon.

I hate being at work knowing all of this blood has to go somewhere. I'm terrified of bleeding through my tampon, pad, and clothes. It's just awful.

Update - still on hold!

Back from the OB. Bruise or whatever it is, is still there. ugh. Have to cont. to wait. Check my fluid levels in another month.

We're hoping to know more after the "meeting of the Dr's" Thu. We're apparently now on the agenda for the infertility specialist weekly staff meeting.

Great, a large scale meeting of the minds because what I have is so "rare" she's (my OB) not ready to make the call if we can TTC or not, and if not now, or not ever again. Maybe will have to have this thing drained, maybe not. She's never seen this before and so she wants to consult with the infertility specialists before telling me officially what the next step.

So for now, just try NOT to get PG at least one more cycle, and she'll have more info for me on Friday this week.

She also had them do a blood draw to make certain that the PG is all gone, and that this new bleeding is only AF. She's also worried because I'm losing so much blood, there may be additional cause for concern. (I'm going through a pad + Tampon every 1/2 - 1 hour).

Will know more after lab results back, probably later today I suspect.

So we're still in a waiting pattern and can't TTC this month.

At least I get one more month off of temping and all of that.

Oh, and I did ask if they knew the gender, but they didn't. Said the baby was too young to determine the sex, so I guess that's it. At least I won't think there is some answer in a file and I didn't know because I didn't ask. So I'm glad I asked.

I know I know I know

I know I know I know - Rock Star 10/2010

And so it begins...

39 days after my D&C I finally started AF CD1 today, so now I can just move forward and start trying again, if that's what we're going to do. Still don't know all about that yet. Just glad my m/c cycle is finally over. I'm going in for a follow up u/s on Tuesday, which will be CD3. Hopefully we'll get an "all clear" from the OB and be good to go!

Citizen Cope - Sideways

Citizen Cope – Sideways

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Cause, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, they
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away... (slow music)
These feelings won't go away...

It ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
there's no words to describe it
In French or in English
These diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, babe
Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment now
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment now
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away... (slow music)
These feelings won't go away...

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out babe
Whenever you come around me

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment now
Time will take them away...

(refrain out...)

Remember to stop and pet the frog

Well things just have a way of working out. I did go with DH to look at the camera and it wasn't so terrible after all. :p Then we found out that the newer model with more bells and whistles is now just out and the same package price. So no brain'r here, we're getting the newer shinier model. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow. It's a nikon 3100 (I think). It's a huge camera, and a bit intimidating. Will be an adventure learning how to use it.

We had lunch together and I dropped him back at his office. Then I went to the mall and GOT MY HAIRCUT! Yes, I'm very excited. I've been complaining about it being too long since before I even got pregnant. I think it's been a year since my last cut. Yeah, that long.

I decided to pick up DD afterwards, around 3pm, and then went back to DH office. He drove us both back home (she's watching Angelina Ballerina) and he's off to a chiropractic apt that he's been putting off far too long too.

DD and I even got to see a real live frog on our walk, and my brave girl, with a little nudge, pet the frog. Me too.

I'm feeling in good spirits at the moment.

New Day, Fresh Start

New day always equals Fresh Start. It's pouring! I'm at the office, mostly on time (only 5 min late today, an improvement for 1 hr late yesterday) and got everyone to their destinations safe and sound. At lunch I have to accompany DH camera shopping (which I really don't want to do as I have NO interest, and will be happy with whatever he picks.) but it's important to him I go, so I shall go.

With any luck I'll get in a haircut this afternoon before having to get DH at the baby sitter, who informed me as I was dropping her off that she has a hair apt at 5pm, so needs me to get DD early.

Ummmm, excuse me, but if pick up time is 5p, why on earth would you make a hair apt for the same exact time? I swear I'm just sick of in home day care/babysitter's lately. So flaky.

Whatever, not going to let her sour my mood.

Since it's pouring cats and dogs, I'm not certain what we'll do for entertainment as I can't pick up DH until 5:30pm, and I'll have DD for an hour with me. I'm not going home just to turn around and go back out. We may end up just hanging out at his office until it's time to go.

Maybe I'll swing by McD and she can eat an "early" dinner at his work.

Yes, I'm making this all up as I go along...

Hope you all are having a nice Friday!!