Scary Day

Another FUN day. I spent today in the ER. This morning around 10am I had severe abdominal pain, so much so I had to get to the ER. I hate going to the ER but I was screaming I was in so much pain. I was all alone at the house and had to call my husband to come get me. The short ride to the ER seemed like an eternity. Luckily the wait to be seen was short. Best time to go to the ER if you ever have to go is in the morning. No lines.

While there, I got an IV, saline drip, and morphine. I was seen by the reg. ER doc, several nurses, an u/s tech, a couple of med. students, and even my OB-GYN. They drew blood (HCG now down to 36), did an u/s and saw stuff. FYI, shouldn't be seeing stuff. The "stuff" apparently is the cause for my pain. And there isn't much they can do for it.

I'm back from the ER now. Was there from 11am - 6pm. My D&C had some complications, and there is a bruise/bad bleed, as well as leftover baby stuff. Fingers crossed it's not turning into an infection, but I am going to be in a lot of pain for a bit longer. Great! I'm on morphine (which is making me itchy) today and have percoset too. My OB/wants me home for a week more at least. And I get to have yet another ultra sound Thursday to see if I'm getting better or worse. I may have to have a 2nd D&C. My OB said she's never seen a case like me before. So I feel terrible, and emotionally drained.

Now here's some fun bits... we got home and I went to take a percost and noticed it had tylenol in it. However, my OB didn't want me on tylenol as she's concerned the tylenol I've been taking may be masking fever, and indicator of infection, so now my husband is off to the hospital again to get a corrected prescription, and get it filled, and my daughter is still at my friends home waiting to be picked up. My poor husband has been running all over today. He had to come get me, then leave me at the hospital to pick up my daughter from daycare, take her to my friends home, come back to the hospital, bring me home, now he's back to the hospital, and still needs to get my daughter. It's been a long day, and I know he's just exhausted.

I know a lot of you have been worried about me, so I just wanted to update everyone. Best case scenario at this point is this is a bruise only, a "hematoma" and will resolve on it's own. We really don't want another D&C, and are doing everything we can to hopefully be able to TTC again. If this goes bad, could effect chances of future pregnancies. Trying not to think about that right now. Too scary.

So I'm rambling thanks to these pills, and need to try and get some rest. Can use all the T & P you can put out there for me.

Thanks everyone for holding my hand.

How am I doing?

I guess I'm handling this loss better than last time since I've mentally suspected it wasn't going well since that 1st u/s. I still hoped and prayed I was being overly worried for no good reason, and hate that I was right.

I haven't really been around anyone IRL since we found out it was over, so I've been escaping to my TV and leaning a lot on Craig. Poor guy. I'm sure the grief is here, I'm just avoiding dealing with it.

At this point, I just want the physical pain to go away, have my one official normal cycle so we can get back to TTC. At least that's how I feel today. Tomorrow I may feel that there is no point in trying anymore since obviously it's not in the cards for me. Two back to back loses in a 2 year span of just trying to get a BFP in the first place. I don't know if I have the inner strength to carry on with this.

It's amazing how you can be so happy and so sad in a blink of an eye.

Princess Buckethead

Goodness I'm sore

So I expected the sore throat. The anesthesiologist prepared me for that. What I wasn't prepared for was this horrible abdominal pain. I can barely move. I've also heard this may be a side effect from the anesthesia as well.

Tylenol not helping, and advil is only going to make my tummy hurt worse. I had hoped to be well enough to engage with Natalya this weekend so Craig can study, but seems we have to be more creative now. I don't even think I can lift the laundry baskets.

Wish I knew a way how to flush this out and just get back to feeling normal and just be sad about it all. I find that I can't be "sad" yet because the cry hurts, like being punched in the gut again and again.

So yeah, I guess I'm sitting here and having a pitty party for myself. :(

Still working on bringing home #2

In 2008 we had a 2nd trimester loss. Due to genetic malformation, the baby wouldn't survived. NOT Viable. So with great sadness we ended that pregnancy with a D&E at 19w2d.

In Nov. 2009, we started TTC again. Happily 8 months later we were rewarded with a BFP. Elated and excited. Until we realised there was a problem. Sure enough, this baby's heart stopped and it was over. This time my body DID begin to miscarry on it's own, and with the help of the hospital, we had a D&C this time.

So 2 losses, 1 miscarriage, and 1 healthy and happy little girl at home with us.

So after another month of waiting/healing from the miscarriage, we're going to try yet again. Third time's got to be the charm.

If no luck after 3 more cycles, I'm off to the RE for the talk and probably clomid.

We just want to bring home one more baby to complete our family. It's not fair to have 2 back to back loses in 2 years time. It's got to be out turn next.

At home

I am still really tired and sore from the D&C yesterday. My throat is so dry and painful. You'd think they removed a tonsil or something.

So I'm home today, chilling out in bed and just a serious down day.

I also changed my FF chart to make the D&C day CD1. I have to have one regular cycle before we can try again. So I'm semi tacking this month, and will break out the condoms (dust them off) for this cycle. I really miss DH.

Once I get a new AF, a real AF, I guess I can go for it and get back to TTC again.

We've been trying for a 2nd take home baby since 2008. You're not suppose to have 2 devastating losses back to back! So third time's going to have to be the charm?

OB said if no go in 2-3 cycles, call the RE and get the Clomid. Guess my eggs may just be getting to old and shriveled up and need a boost.

D&C scheduled

My D&C is now scheduled. 11am tomorrow (8/26/10). I check in at 9am.

Today I'm bleeding. Like a real flow day with AF.

Hurts too. Yay for advil, but I do have to be careful with that. It's harsh on my ulcer. The lessor of two evils, right?

I stopped counting my weeks and did everything I could to make all the PG bulletin reminders go away. For me it helps me to move on. There is also a private room at my work I can go to, to cry and be alone. Thank goodness.

I'm off work the rest of this week and I'm certain to get questions when I'm back.

Luckily, only 3 people knew at work, and they all know about the loss. no one else knew so I won't have to tell it over and over. Just told the rest I was feeling off, having the Dr. run some tests. So will just tell them, tests were run, had a procedure and should be back to normal soon. Just blaming my ulcer. Sometimes it's good to have a chronic condition.

Oh and guess who wants to talk to me now? Mom! Remember how less than thrilled she was when I told her I was PG? Now she's all chatty. Honestly she hasn't said one word to me since we told her I was PG a month ago! Don't know if I should stay pissed, or just roll my eyes and be happy she's back.

She's on the phone now singing me Country Road by John Denver. Really??? I appreciate what's she's doing, but can I please hang up now??

I think she's feeling guilty for not being there for me before and is trying to make up for it now. She's a sweet women when she wants to be. I appreciate her, but would have appreciated her a little earlier. Just thinking about it makes me cry again. Damn PG hormones.

Get this stuff out of me!!

I tell you what... If we do get lucky to get PG again, she's not going to be high on the who to tell list. DH jokes we call her the night before my sked c/s. lol.

Family?! Right?? At least you can choose your friends.

Going to take another Valium and get some rest. If I'm sleeping I can't feel anything.

A Poem from tictac2010

Thanks you my friend for sharing this poem with me. I hope we both find a new sticky bean soon.

Be well in the healing. I am so thankful for you and for everyone to lean on for support.

ANGEL FRIENDS ....

A beautiful little angel showed up to heaven's gate,
Confused and unknowing the plan that for him awaits
Then another little angel walked up and took his hand,
And said, please don't be sad you left ,youre in the promised land".
"I'm glad to be here but I do not think I was to go,
Perhaps there was a mistake, for my mommy wanted me so!"
The flute greeting angel gave a sweet smile and said,
"My mommy wanted me too, but to heaven I was led.
You see, we do not get to choose when on earth it's time to go.
He gave us life,, love and joy and a mothers womb to grow.
The lord still needs new angels to guide them down on earth.
To watch aver, comfort them, and help them see their worth."
"Is there still a way that I can sleep in my mommy`s bed?"
The greeting angel grinned and said, "That luxury you will keep
I visit my mommy nightly and softly sing her to sleep.
The flute angel replied, "Then I think I'll like it here.
I'll visit my mommy nightly and weaken her pain and fears
I love her and will keep her safe at night and in between,
And let her know with a sweet memory that she is still with me.
The greeting angel gave the new friend a hug and said,
"Until our mommy's meet us here, let's be best angel friends
"Okay," said the new angel, "that sounds good me."
Then the angels sat and played keeping their mommy's in sight,
Humming the tune to the song they would sing to their mommy's tonight.

It's over.

It's over. No HB, and baby stopped growing last week. Going to have a D&C on Thursday if I haven't gotten this all out before then. I don't know what to feel right now.

I feel empty and broken

No cramping. Stomach knots from nerves, but no "official" cramping thus far today. The bleeding does not soak a pad. But it does clot up on the TP and a but in the toilet. Getting heavier as the day progresses, but still considered light. Last U/S did not show anything remotely close to a SCH. That was on 8/13 (11 days ago). Would something like that form so quickly? I noticed the first signs of spotting on Saturday, but Sunday was nothing, so shrugged it off. Now I wonder if there is a connection? Just feel so empty and broken. Why can't I bring home another baby?

About to leave (in ten min.) for the scan.

Bleeding stopped?!?

I'm mostly confused this morning. The bleeding seems to have stopped. I wore a pad last night to catch all this blood, and nothing. Stark white. No cramps this morning either. I just don't know what is going on. I swear getting PG after a loss is so stressful. I'm waiting for my OB office to call me back this morning.

Update:
Bleeding/spotting back on as of 9:30am. :( Going in for u/s at 1:30pm today. Will keep you all posted.

Bleeding

This can't be "just one of those things". I'm bleeding. Not spotting, but bleeding. Red blood. No cramps, blood on the TP, looks like the early days of AF. Crap! Don't think I'm going to make it to Friday, and when Friday is here, all it's going to do is confirm what I already know. My baby is gone. Again! Why can't I bring home children anymore? Don't know if I can take this pain again. I know I've been "preparing for the worst" but really who does that? I'm devastated. I terrified to tell Natalya. I don't know if I can try again. It's so heartbreaking. How do you NOT get attached?

ETA: just as soon as I say I'm not cramping, I start to have cramps. Will I lose this baby tonight? I'm so sad. I feel that going to the ER is pointless. They can't do anything to stop this. I feel powerless and defeated.

Today I feel...

Like I'm expanding. Was talking with a co-worker and I swear my belly was beginning to inflate like a balloon. Was very odd and made me very self-conscious.

Additionally today...

sore boobs. really sensitive and not in a good way. Like my bra is too tight and they want to escape, get out!

back hurts. my lower back to be exact. Probably nothing more than growing pains, but still uncomfortable. i'm certain my desk chair isn't helping one bit.

headache. yes, again. I wonder if it's blood pressure related.

full/starving. yes, I posted about this already, but it's worth a second mention, such an off feeling. now I'm hungry and nauseous at the same time, I need to eat, but nothing sounds good.

sleepy. I could easily go to sleep right here, right now.

achy. My joints are kind of achy today. In general, my body feels tired and needs more rest.

smells. smells getting to me today. my hyper sensitive nostrils are picking up something wicked. I'm sure it's quite wonderful, but wish I didn't have to smell it, and since no one knows here yet, I can't mention it.

cranky. OMG I'm horrible lately. Everything ticks me off, and super easily. I lose my temper at a drop of a hat. God help Natalya, I'm a bear these days.

terrified. have my next u/s on Friday. I'm anxious to see that all my fears have been for nothing, this bean is a fighter and is still growing, and thriving. However my logical side is desperately trying to come to grips that there may be no improvement and/or no more life. My god, what will I tell Natalya??? How will I tell Natalya??? I think that conversation scares me more then the actual test.

Full and still hungry

This is just the weirdest feeling. I ate lunch. I am now full. Yet my stomach is still growling. How can you be full and hungry simultaneously??

Very very weird.

Maybe I'll make a protein drink. See if that helps. I'm going to be HUGE if this keeps up.

Rescue Heroes made me cry

I'm watching a cartoon with Natalya called Rescue Heroes and I'm literally crying through all the episodes. I'm feeling a tad ridiculous these days.

Thank you hormones.

PG food strategy

Really coming up with PG food strategy now.

I brought in 1/2 gallon of 1% milk. A handful of carnation instant breakfasts, 3 hard boiled eggs, a lot of fresh strawberries to snack on. So when I get hungry and it's not quite time for lunch, I'm going to give an egg a try, or drink some protein.

It's got to be better then snacking on BBQ chips right? Although, truth be told, the BBQ chips are helping tremendously with keeping the m/s at bay. Who knew?

Corndog for Breakfast

I made myself some corndogs for Breakfast. Yup, corndogs. Taly saw me eating them, and was very confused. Corndogs are for dinner, not breakfast. Then she asked if she could have one. I told her corndogs were not a breakfast food, and she'd be better having the breakfast I made her. Clearly my logic is way off based. After several plea's for a bite, I caved and let her have one bite. She did not return the corndog. lol.

Well if I'm going to eat one, I can't justify her not eating one. She bats her super long eyelashes and I melt. This child clearly has her daddy and me wrapped around her finger. Ugh.

Ouch ~ got the wind knocked out of me

Natalya body slammed me tonight and gave me a stabbing pain in my side that brought tears to my eyes. Hurt like the dickins. Ouch! She felt really bad, as did I for scaring her. Yikes, going to have to teach her to be more careful around Mommy. Going to lick my wounds now and crawl back into bed. Oh my goodness this hurts. Maybe some tylenol?

My co-worker in a canoe

Really hoping to help make this video go viral. It's so worth a watch. Feel free to share with all your internet friends and family!

Having a Monday Morning on my Friday

I need a morning do-over, as I'm having a Monday Morning on my Friday. I'm a mess. I just managed to get a huge salad dressing stain on my shirt. My hair is a greasy mess. My body is making all kinds of embarrassing sounds, and I swear I stink. I want to crawl into a cave and hide. And it's only 10:25am!!! I'm stuck here at the office until 5:30pm. I have no car today, and this just generally sucks. I can't even go home to clean up and change. Ugh.

At least my PG hormones still seem to be around. :(

Today I feel like crap... so happy!

Last night I ate dinner before taking my zofran, and was thrilled to have an upset tummy. Maybe I still have symptoms after all. This morning I woke up with a headache again, and nothing satiated me. So happy about that too. I'm starving again, and really feel nauseous. So doing a celebratory dance in my head at the moment.

Too chicken to stop taking zofran

So basically I don't feel pregnant.

Not like before (a couple of weeks ago).

My BBs not terribly sore sensitive... they were a couple of weeks ago, BUT I also BF Natalya for 13 month's so maybe the soreness doesn't last as long with subsequent PG's even 4 years later.

I'm not starving all the time. yes I get hungry, but at the times you would expect to get hungry... breakfast, lunch time, dinner... Although before I never got hunger pains so to speak, so maybe that's something still????

I've been on zofran for a couple of weeks now, and not even getting nausea anymore. Is it working, or do I not really even need it?? I'm too chicken to stop taking it to find out. This is nuts. I hate puking, yet know if I felt like doing so, I'd feel a bit PG.

I'm having more energy in the evening, but shouldn't I be passed out? I was 2 weeks ago.

I don't get it. Am I feeling better because I'm not PG anymore? I know the symptoms come and go, but for the past 2 weeks, they seem more on the GONE side, and not returning.

I know I shouldn't worry about this. Maybe I feel good because every PG is different. So my last 2 PGs I felt terrible. They were both girls. Maybe I'm just going to have a boy this time, thus having a very different 1st trimester.

I know, I'm a crazy person right now. Maybe hormones still surging, hey... that'd be a symptom right?

Symptoms are MIA

Not having symptoms, the only thing is I still can't zip my pants, but otherwise, nothing. This has been going on for about a week. Not as tired, not as hungry, not as sore, not queasy... hope it's not a foreshadow of things to come.

To recap... aka venting

To recap...

At what I thought was 6w2d, we just saw a sac and RE measured me at 5w5d. 14 days later we came back for a 2nd scan. This time measuring 6w5d. Yup, only 7 days worth of growth in a 14 day period. RE said not to worry 'cause we had a HB of 117. Yay.

I wasn't thrilled and questioned his conclusion. Then had an extensive chat with my OB who agrees, that thinking I should be 2 weeks further along then I am is worrisome, but for now we can't do anything but wait and see. I hate being in WAITING LIMBO.

So I've had my EDD changed 3 times now. I pray at the next "viability" scan on the 27th we'll see cont. improvement, but my OB again warned me, that if the baby only grows another "weeks" worth in 14 days, again, we'll be no closer to knowing if we're out of the woods then I am today.

Ugh.

So basically, I feel like I've been 6 weeks PG for 2 months now. At least I've missed two AF cycles, so thinking that's a good sign.

I'm fearful that I'm heading towards a miscarriage. Don't know anything really yet. It's all very scary.

I'm so scared. I don't want to lose another baby.

Hate feeling jealous.

Probably just the hormones and overwhelming emotions, but come on! My co-worker's wife is due in January. They found out yesterday they're having a girl. He posts again to the company email asking for girl clothes if anyone has to spare. Today he has 2 huge bags full of baby clothes. And the rest of the workers keep walking by making comments... how cute, so nice, etc.

So now he's asked for "money donations", "furniture, car seats, etc.", and now this. By time I DO announce I'm pregnant, he'll have tapped dry this company, and there's not going to be anything for us!

I'm kind of frustrated as this company is sooooo family friendly, but coming in 2nd... just makes me grumble. I mean, I would never shamelessly beg for handouts like he's doing, but my god, does it have to work for him???

It's stupid to feel this way. Don't even know if I still have a baby, you know??? I hate feeling jealous, I hate that I've not told everyone yet, and I know if we lose the baby I'll probably be happy to not retell the loss story over and over, but right now this sucks!!!

I'm tired, cranky, and just want to go home and go to bed. And it's only 3pm.

Limbo Sucks

I just can't shake this feeling that I'm having or will be having a missed miscarriage. Just something not right about being 2 weeks off in the u/s. My OB said a lot of times, the placenta keeps growing even when baby doesn't and that's why we still feel PG. So weird. Can't even fathom losing this baby without any cramps or bleeding. And I'm still trying to be hopeful. If we do lose this one, I don't know if I have the strength to try again.

1st OB apt today

Back from the OB apt. Where to start. We had a great conversation. And the Dr. validated my concerns and said there is a real possibility we're heading down the road to miscarriage. That being said, no way to know that now, so we're going back on the 27th of this month for another u/s. We both agreed this is the way we want to progress. This will be the 3rd viability scan, and hopefully dating will still be on the new track. This scan should show us if we're still progressing, or if the pregnancy is now over. Of course if I begin to bleed or whatever sooner, then will go in before the scheduled scan on the 27th.

So back to waiting.

She also did a full exam, and said that my cervix is high, firm, closed, blue, and no signs of bleeding. That indeed it looks like a pregnant cervix. Also, my uterus is about the size it should be for someone 7 weeks pregnant.

I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I think the news that my suspicions are valid and factually based was upsetting to Craig, as until this point he believed I was nuts, and clearly the doctors know what they were talking about.

However this time the doctor listened to my concerns, and agreed it's odd to be this far behind unless we have a slow grower, all the rare things happened with us this time and put us where we are today, or we are going to lose this one.

So we'll see. I still feel pregnant, and that's encouraging too. Will have to wait until the 27th to see more, unless we lose the pregnancy before then.

It's not over until it's over.

Next up...
3rd u/s on Friday August 27
Will schedule the NT scan after that apt if things look promising, and will have the lab work done that day too

2nd OB apt scheduled for 9/21

A new peace

I am at peace with this and feel that all this worry and stress is accomplishing nothing. If I'm meant to bring this baby home, I will. No extra scans or blood draws will change that outcome. So I'm going to chill and try to enjoy this ride for as long as I can.

Another Thought

Another thought... Maybe I ovulated on the 5th (CD 22) not the 1st (CD 18 ). My CM doesn't line up, but maybe it doesn't have too, or maybe I had EWCM earlier in those days and missed it? IDK anymore. Guess I'm glad we DTD after Craig's b-day after all.

If we DTD on the 4th, and I O'd on the 5th, then being off isn't so bad, and maybe it's going to all work out. I still feel pretty pregnant right now, and today is my 2nd missed AF date. If I did O on the 5th and the 4th is when we "conceived" then I got my BFP at 8 dpo.

Does that happen? Don't know if this means anything, but I was horribly sick on the 5th. The worst diarrhea ever. Maybe that's a side affect of O and the sperm meeting this egg? Am I grasping at straws here? Or is this a real possibility and this baby is fine?

The big photo - 2nd u/s

LMP-8w4d
SCAN MEASURED 6w5d (2 weeks behind)
HB = 117 bpm

Thinking this may end up a miscarriage

If I am supposed to be 8w2d, and the very least 7w5d, and today I measured 6w5d with a low HB at 117, am I headed down the path of a missed miscarriage??

I wonder if I can get my OB to get me in for another u/s on Tues. I'm so concerned. This just doesn't feel right to me. I know my dates.



We DTD on 6/30 and again on 7/4. I ovulated on 7/1. If we fertilized the egg before ovulation, then I should be basing my EDD off the ovulation date of 7/1 making me due 3/23 or 8w2d today. So if my ovulation didn't actually happen on 7/1, but rather 7/4 (which I doubt as there wasn't fertile EWCM then) when we DTD again, then I'd be 3 or 4 days off, making my EDD 3/27 or 7w5d today. I also clearly implanted on 7/9. Look at that dip! And got my BFP 3 days later, exactly 4 weeks ago today. So if that's the case HOW can I only be measuring 6w5d today?? How could I get a strong BFP, let alone 6 strong BFPs that early to corrilate with being only 6w5d today??

The only glimmer of hope that this isn't the beginning of the end is that there is improvement. I have not had any bleeding thus far. It's slow, very very slow, but a HB today is more than we saw 2 weeks ago on 7/30. I'm confused, and stressed. My OB is closed now, so will have to mull it over during the weekend.

Hoping there is some small chance I can get another u/s sooner rather than later to make sure we're still moving forward.

OB apt is Tues. 8/17.

Still 6 weeks, HB 117 BPM

Think I've been 6 weeks pregnant for 4 weeks now! Ugh.

So back from the 2nd viability scan, measuring 6w5d. I don't know, maybe we had a vanishing twin and that's why my HPTs and my Beta numbers were so high so early on. Got to come up with some reasonable explaination, the Dr. said he couldn't comment on all of that, just what he see's today, which is from crown to rump 6w5d, so I have a new EDD based on today's scan...

April 3rd.

Oh, and a HB... 117 bpm. Also said that jives with the size and dating he's come up with. He's passing me on to the OB (good thing since I've already got an apt on Tue. next week) and she'll take it from there.

Going to see if I can get another scan in 2 weeks just to be certain the baby is finally growing and on track. It's a bit of a shock to expect to be 7w5d or even 8w2d and end up back at 6w5d.

Honestly getting sick of being at 6 weeks. LOL. Oh well, 2 more days and I'm back up to 7 weeks.

They did see something else, possibly a fibroid, but he didn't really discuss it so I will have to talk to my OB about that too. The sonographer felt it probably wasn't a big deal, just noticed it was there.

I think it's the remains of the "vanishing twin". At least that's what I am telling myself so I don't worry.

I do have a photo of my HB blob... will post tonight. For now, Craig and I are calling this bean BOB...

Big Day

Scan #2 for viability in just a few more hours. Excited and nervous. So hopeful for good news.

Spill'd the beans... sort of

My co-worker guessed! She's got baby on the brain in lieu of her daughter's BFP today. She starts in on how it's in the water, Myles wife, now her daughter, it's my turn next. I just smiled on my way to the break room for ... yes... more food.

She followed me in. She said... you are pg aren't you. I shrugged and smiled. She got VERY excited... you ARE pg! How far along are you, and more similar questions. I relented and told her VERY quietly that I'm roughly 8 weeks. and that we ARE NOT telling until I get through the NT scan. She understood and swore to keep it a secret.

So if it get's out, it get's out. She told me she noticed I've been eating a lot more lately, and going to the bathroom more frequently too. (kind of a camel here, not a big pee'er)

I told her we actually have a viabiltiy scan tomorrow. If it's all good (we see a HB and some life) I'll be back to work after lunch. If it's bad, I won't be back.

That's the official "code" now.

So now that she knows, I kind of feel good about it. And it's fun keeping a secret and talking in code again. I know everyone is going to be happy and supportive once we do officially tell. Just a few more weeks to go...

If my baby belly doesn't give it away sooner... I really can't hide this much longer. :)

Babies and PG announcements are flying!

My co-worker's daughter has been trying to make a baby for about a year now. My co-worker and I have been sharing the TTC journey together, (yet I still haven't told her I'm PG) as I had been TTC for 8 cycles before I got my BFP.

Her daughter calls into the office today to annouce she just POAS and had two BFPs. She's about 4-5 weeks PG and due mid-April.

While I'm super thrilled for all of them, it was quite a site seeing how happy my co-workers all were for her news. And yet I still reamain silent. Terrified to spill my own beans.

I have an u/s tomorrow. 2nd one to check viability. I keep saying I won't announce until after my NT scan, but I feel so left out of the celebrations, that I'm tempted to announce here sooner.

I know it's hormones, and I know when I do finally announce and everyone calculates my EDD and comes to the realization I've been PG for month's now, they'll be really happy for us and amazed I kept it quiet for so long.

This is a very family friendly office, babies get passed around all the time. So I know in my heart they will all be happy for me. I know if I told them, and something terrible happened, they will all be there for me. So what is it I'm affraid of? Why am I resistant to make my announcement?

Maybe I just want to be the center of attention when it's my turn to tell. So much baby news recently, and I don't want to be lost in the crowd.

Probably is hormones. Going to eat lunch #1 now. :)

When Ulcer's Attack

So I'm having an ulcer attack today. Great. I just checked my bag, no Asacol on hand. I really need to start bringing it again. I hate going to the bathroom and seeing tissue/goo/gunk and now bloody bits in the toilet. It's kind of freaky. It's absolutely the ulcer and not the PG, but I wonder if the PG is triggering the attack. I tell you seeing the bloody bits in the toilet, it's easy to jump to miscarriage, however, the pain in my tummy is more familiar, and there is no blood coming from my vaginal canal.

So I feel gernearlly blah, and my tummy and tush both hurt. Wish I could use a heating pad. I can't so maybe some hot tea instead. :(

Ok, pitty party commence.

***ETA (Update)***

Well my OB called me back. We both agree, probably not a miscarriage but an ulcer attack. Guess I have to step up my ulcer meds for a while. I've been getting away with 8 pills a day, but will be going back up to 12 a day. If that doesn't work I have to go streoid or enema. Yuck to both of those.

The good news is she gave me the ok to use a heating pad when I get home. Said I was still early enough in the PG that that would be ok. If it get's significantly worse, i should head to the ER, but most likely the added pills tonight will tame it.

I'm still on for the u/s on Friday. Hoping we make it!

I wonder if the added zofran is causing an ulcer reation? I'd still rather the ulcer attack over the constant puking. I guess it's the lesser of two evils. Right?

Just ate dinner... still hungry

Sigh. Dinner was great. 2 small chicken breasts. Tons of bread. I'm still hungry. Starving actually.

I better still be PG, otherwise something is very very very wrong with me.

Hard to keep my mouth shut

Overhearing my co-worker talk to other co-workers about getting a "cheap" car seat and where to go about it, etc. Driving me crazy not voicing in. Listenting to the other co-worker tell him about what worked for his family of 2. This is the first co-worker's baby, and he's clueless and panicked. His wife is due in January and since I haven't made my announcement, I can't really voice too much. IF I do, will make the rumor mill go even stronger... 'cause WHY would I know all of this from my PG 4 years ago? And how would my past knowledge be at all helpful today as things change so much. Just with being on PG forums and such, you have access to the latest info and I know how great things went for us the 1st time around and want to share my knowledge. But alas, I need to keep my mouth shut. He did not come to me, so I don't need to give him info. IF he comes to me, that's different. Dang hormone's making it hard to not speak my mind. Oh well, I'm sure they'll figure it all out. Craig and I did as do many many many new parents.

I'm sooooooo tired.

So tired lately. I've basically eating, peeing, sleeping... and repeat. LOL. Craig has a sinus infection and Natalya has been sneezing up a storm, so I think the season change is upon us. Yay. So we're a lot of fun to be around. At least I feel good, well, as good as one can be, right?

The new Seven Dwarfs! Sleepy, Hungry, Thirsty, Cranky, Moody, Weepy, and PeePee

The new Seven Dwarfs! Sleepy, Hungry, Thirsty, Cranky, Moody, Weepy, and PeePee

I've been falling asleep every night just after we get home. Tonight, I was out by 7:30pm again. Wake up around 10 and have to eat dinner #2. I swear I'm eating all day and night long. I guess I'm glad for medical intervention so I can eat, just wish I wasn't hungry ALL the time. It's kind of like having a tape worm inside. The little parasite that's cries FEED me all hours of the day.

I know it'll all be worth it. Just trying to eat as healthy as possible. Lord knows once the "real" cravings kick in, I'm at it's mercy.

Another good day and step forward

I called my pharmacy to see if they had the zofran filled. They did, $1, only 12 pills and you can get this re-filled in 30 days.

I'm supposed to be taking 3 a day. 12 pills will get me through 4 days. Then what?

It's the same deal I ran into with my last PG, when it took nearly a month to get the insurance co. to agree to pay and fill what my Dr. is prescribing.

I called my OB. Talked to Micky. She worked her magic, and now I'm getting 90 pills for 30 days. That should be enough to take 3 a day.

Thank goodness.

Verrified with the pharmacy. Now is going to cost me $2.

(rolling my eyes now)

AND

I have a 1st OB apt officially scheduled. I go in to see Elizabeth Wagener again on the 17th. Woo Hoo. She's the Dr we saw with Alice's pregnancy. She's an excellent Dr. Very medical though, and not terribly friendly, however she is highly recommended, even Sandy Woods suggested giving her another go. So we'll see how it plays out. If we're not happy, they have other OBs in the group, and since you kind of see them ALL through out the 9 months, I'm not that concerned.

Just happy to finally be getting in!!!!! :)

Something's FINALLY happening!

Being proactive, I called my OB Nurse contact, Shelia to see about getting some zofran called in before my health insurance switches from VHAP to MVP. (MVP I pay 50% of medications, VHAP I pay $1).

I got a call back from Micky (my OB-RN with my other 2 pregnancies). She was thrilled I was PG again, and surprised I haven't had my "1st" OB apt yet. I explained that I didn't think the RE wanted to release me to OB yet, and how frustraitied I was, especially since I didn't work with the RE's to get PG this time.

I told her about my 3 blood draws, and 1 u/s, and told her my LMP puts me around 7 weeks now, but since the 1st u/s only showed 2 sacks and no HB, he dated me back to 5w5d, and put me about a week behind my LMP. I also told her about my 2nd u/s on the 13th.

She wondered if I was planning to do the NT scan again, and I told her I thought it was a good idea since last time that's the scan we found out about the cyctic hygroma (aka the nuchal fold measuring at 8... 3 or less is normal).

She got pretty mad that I wasn't getting in for the 1st OB and was concerned that I may be too late to get the NT scan if I waited much longer.

SO

She's doing some juggling and will be calling me back by tomorrow with my 1st OB apt. Proabably will be Mid August!

AND

She's working with the pre-auth dept. to get my VHAP to cover the zofran, so I'll be good to go. I should (if no more red tape) be able to get the zofran in the next day or so, and she's ordering 3 a day, so should be able to get through the rest of this trimester without too much more issue.

I'm SO HAPPY that things are finally moving. Guess I just needed to take matters into my own hands!

you know I ought to know better by now.........

ME!

This is what I feel like today!

Backed up!

My workload is piling up. Our system is down and there is a bit of a bottle neck as work is getting distributed, however now that there is stuff to do, I don't wanna!

I'm hungry, I'm full, I'm backed-up.

I feel bloated/crampy, and generally Blah! I would love to put my feet up and sleep for a bit. I would love to lay down and watch junk TV. I would love to NOT BE AT MY DESK!

What's a preggo girl to do???

Can't keep a secret!

Okay, I'm really cautious and beging very careful choosing my words, etc. Last night, there was a committee meeting at my home, and while walking the folks out we were chatting about our new and larger home. I made a comment and it was taken out of context...

P.S. Last night when I was leaving your lovely new home, Barbara and I were talking about apartments and she mentioned that Quarry Hill (where my son is moving to) wasn't large enough for your expanding family. I didn't think anything of it then, but now.... is she referring to a new baby by any chance????Or am I just making this up?

Here's the deal... it's no secret that we've been trying. Figured my comment only implied that we want to expand the family, not that we already have.

When Craig shared this note with me I cried! He said I had a big mouth, but was only teasing me.

I'm super hormonal. I felt like I was being attacked, that I purposely told her, hey, well, we're PG now. Seriously, I turned down the smaller apt, long before we even conceived this bean!

I explained my hormone overload, and Craig doesn't fully get it. Pregnant woman are highly emotional women with raging hormones. He thinks my hormonones are bad when I'm on my period?!?!?

So I'm now torn, should we just announce this already?? If we have a loss, maybe more support?? Or will I jinx it all? I know if this is going to happen, nothing I "say" will make any difference to the outcome.

Also, can I say I am not moving forward?? I feel stuck. Having my EDD moved back 4 days, seems like an eternity.

My March Due Date group is so far ahead of me. Even mom's at exactly 6 weeks today are seeing HB on their u/s and I went in at 6w2d and saw nothing!

Joined the April Due Date group too, and feel closer to them via milestones.

I am lost.

At least I found a "Fluffy Mom's" group. Can at least get tips where to get momma plus size maternity clothes, 'cause I'm going to be wicked huge!

Anyhoo, I'm okay, really, just emotional today, and feeling stalled out. I'm sick of looking at my 6 week ticker. I'm ready to see it move on! I feel like I've been 6 weeks PG for 2 weeks now!!

ETA: My payroll lady at worked tracked me down 'cause I "didn't fill out my vacation time card correctly", but found me in the lunch room, and stated "I figured you'd be in here with the food". WTH? My HR manager knows, but does payroll too? Why would she say that... taking it like... "oh the PG lady at the buffett, of course!"

God I'm either hyper sensitive, or EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS!!

Ready for a nap, but no where to sleep

I'm really dragging. 1st day back to work after vacation, and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. It's 1:30, so still have quite a few more hours to go. I don't have a car here today (Craig has it) and there is no private "couch" area to snooze in. If I sleep at my desk, everyone will get suspicious.

I'm eating/grazing, thought that'd help, but it's not. I tried cold water on my face too. Even a walk around the block. So what else can I try?

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Back to work aka Rambling's of a Hormonal woman

Well, my vacation is officially over. :( Had a great time, but now it's back to work. I've got the "pantry" stocked. Tons of fruits and veggies to snack on in the fridge, a new bag of BBQ chips, a coffee travel mug concieling MILK with ice, and my bella band in place.

Getting out the door was interesting today, gonna have to try harder tomorrow to get out on time.

I woke up 3-4 times last night to pee, and everytime, I found myself starving. I can't eat all night long. Ridiculous. Even this morning, as I was eating my cereal, I was ravenous. Crazy! I've had my 2nd breakfast and it's only 10am. And I'm ready for more!

I brought a weeks worth of food today... will probably eat it all!

Please please please let me stay awake, focused, and puke free today. I have zofran in my purse, just in case, but hope to hold off a bit longer on that. I only have enough to make it to 12 weeks exactly if I took 1 a day from now on. God help me if I am still sick after 12 weeks. Oh well, I'll be so fat, everyone's going to know by then anyway.

There's no work to do. I took the "dead week" off last week, so coming in today, my properties still haven't gotten anything submitted, so there isn't much to do. Wish I brought my book today. Note to self... bring a book tomorrow.

I'm in my super strechty baggy shorts today, and have to wear the band! Eek. Will I be in the maternity clothes this week??? I know I'm getting bigger earlier, just hoped to get more life out of my clothes.

Oh, and my co-worker.... grrrr.... it's bad enough he begged for baby donations via change jar in the breakroom. Then I come in to catch up on email and see he's now sent a company wide email blatenly requsting we all give him our cribs, dressers, changing tables, car seats, high chairs, strollers... I'm steaming. So inappropriate and I can't really say anything. I can't even complain about the perfume my co-worker is wearing 1 cubical over 'cause if I complain about things that smell, it'll tip everyone off.

Just need to make it to the NT scan. If all is well, I can happily announce. Ugh, now he's throwing out names, and wants to use "hannah" which is MY name. Hormonal is making being here really hard!!!

He's kidding about the name... Going to name her Hannah Ford, so when she grows up and works here and they say they're going to clean out the fridge,she can say, my name is on the bag since her lunch will be in a "hanaford's" grocery sack. Still... it's MY name. He can't have it!!!!!

This sucks. I want to cry.

Today I Shop!

Back from shopping trip with Natalya. We ate lunch first, then to momma maternity... got a pair of cargo capris/pants, and 2 t-shirts. Nice and baggy. :) Also another bella band and a bra extender. Now I should be able to make it through the rest of this trimester before needing to buy more clothes.

Too bad all my saved maternity is for 3rd trimester/summer. Tanks and shorts not at all helpful going into the fall/winter. Lol. I'm going to sell my old mat clothes and use the $$ to get new stuff. Shopping is fun! Especially when you feel icky. Thank you zofran.

Also for fun, I showed Natalya what the PG pillow in the dressing room was for. I put it on...

good god I'm going to be huge!!!