All Belly and Boob, 1st belly pic 10w4d

Taken during the Christmas Holiday in AZ while visiting family. No I'm not standing and yes I'm all belly and boob. Lol. That said, god please be kind... Here I am!

My Body This Coming Week at 12 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 12 weeks

Your uterus has now enlarged so that it protrudes above your pelvic bone. You may have begun to "show". It may be time to buy some maternity clothes!

Your doctor or midwife can feel the baby by external examination around this time.

Your heart is working harder to pump the increased volume of blood around your body and as a result your body temperature has risen. Your heart rate may have increased by a few beats per minute to cope with the increased blood volume circulating throughout your body.

Morning sickness may decrease and you may not need to urinate as much as in early pregnancy. You may become constipated, however, as bowel movements slow down in pregnancy.

You may notice a dark line, called the linea nigra, running along your abdomen from your navel to your genital area. The linea nigra shows where your abdominal muscles are stretching to allow for your uterus to grow. The linea nigra may remain for a little while after the birth of your baby, but over time it will fade.

My Body This Coming Week at 11 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 11 weeks

Many women who have suffered from morning sickness find that their nausea begins decrease from this week on. (Unfortunately, for some it may continue).

You may have noticed you have more (or less) hair than usual, which is thought to be linked to the increased amount of blood circulating through your body as well as hormonal changes.

You are probably anxious to feel your baby move, but it is still a bit early. You may notice an increase in cervical fluid and you may also notice a darkening of your labia around your vagina and the areola area around your breasts due to hormonal changes.

During pregnancy, the cervix usually feels firm, but it will soften during labor to allow the baby to pass through. Your cervix is protected by a mucus plug to protect your baby. The mucus plug will be expelled shortly before or during labor.

Your body is burning calories faster than it did prior to pregnancy and your metabolism may increase by up to 25%. The quantity of blood pumping through your body will also increase, making you feel warmer than usual. The increased blood flow can also give you a rosy "blooming" feeling.

You may notice that you have an improved skin condition during pregnancy. For some lucky women, pregnancy hormones can cause skin to appear to "glow" and appear smoother. You may even have shinier hair and brighter eyes. Some women develop a "pregnancy mask" (chloasma) caused by deeper skin pigmentation. This can cause irregular patches of brown skin to appear on your forehead, cheeks, neck and nose. Exposure to sunlight can exacerbate chloasma, though sunscreen can reduce its effects. Chloasma usually disappears after birth as your hormones return to their pre-pregnancy levels.

Elevated estrogen levels and increased blood pressure can cause the dilation of your skin capillaries which can in turn give rise to spider nevi (raised red marks surrounded by spidery lines) and palmar erythema (redness of the palms) during pregnancy. Both conditions are considered minor and fade after the birth of your baby.

More Big Changes in 2012

Just found out that my soon to be 87 year old grandmother is out of money. It's so sad. She has to move in with my parents in Hawaii (she hates Hawaii, prefers the desert) and leave all her possessions behind. My parents have to build her a special room with ADA bathroom downstairs for her as all the showers are upstairs and she can't manage the stairs. That's going to take at least three months. In the meantime she has to stay upstairs. It's going to cost a lot of money that my parents didn't anticipate spending now, and none of my uncles are helping. Selfish... I'm thrilled my beloved grandmother has somewhere to go. I'm pissed at my uncles for not helping. And I'm a little sad that my parents probably won't be able to come out for the birth this summer now. I totally understand and I know we will be okay, just sort of bitter sweet. I hope it all works out and the chaos settles quickly. Just a shock. We all thought she had more income. But apparently the last stock market crash really wiped her out. She's probably got another ten years. I hope she can enjoy them.

Random bit of excitement today.

Random bit of excitement today. I discovered that a 3D/4D u/s facility has recently opened around the corner from my office. I could WALK there. The last time we were PG with DD and we wanted one of these scans the closest was in Boston (4+ hours away) and would be in the $500+ price range. This time it's more like 4 seconds away and priced in the $100-$200 range. Woot. So.... IF we get to that point, we're going to look into setting this up. Would be a wonderful keepsake for my last PG.

http://beforebirthbonding.com/

Wasn't Hungry... Uh, yes I was!

I'm at the office today and was surprised to not eat lunch until 1:30pm. That's kind of late. Why didn't I get hungry? Then it dawned on me... I had a protein shake for breakfast, followed with 4 eggo waffles when I got to the office and a 16 oz mug of hot milk I'd been sipping all morning/afternoon.

Duh!

I did eat an entire can of turkey chili with cheese and fresh cut avocado. A whole avocado! So I guess I was hungry after all. lol. And I'm sure I'll need to eat again before dinner, so don't know why I was remotely concerned.

My Body This Coming Week at 10 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 10 weeks
Your uterus is now about the size of an orange, but you still don't "show". However, you probably have noticed an increase in your breast size.

You may be having mood swings, feeling happy and elated one moment, crying the next. This is perfectly normal, caused by the changing hormones in your body as well as all the hopes and fears you have and the realization that your life will be forever changed by your pregnancy.

There is little increase in abdominal size during the first trimester, though you might be starting to see some weight gain. Hormonal changes, however, especially the increase of progesterone and relaxin can cause your joints and ligaments to soften as your body begins to prepare for birth.

The joints in your pelvic bones are widening now. This may cause you to feel unstable at times, even sometimes dropping things or bumping into things.

8w3d ~ Woot!

I passed a mini milestone. Lost my last PG at 8w2d, and today is 8w3d, and no bad signs today. Still hanging on one day at a time, but a small bit of relief.

We're going to a holiday pot luck tonight at DH's old work. He actually wants to go. I don't. F-them, right? But we're going, so I have to put on a happy face!

I'm eating now, so I can make it to the meal later tonight. Otherwise I'll be super miserable as opposed to partially miserable. Night time is the pits for me. I just want to crawl into bed.

Tomorrow is "date night" but we only get 3 hours, so not 100% sure what we're going to do. DH wants to go out to eat, I kind of want to go to a grown up movie. So we'll have to just see how it plays out.

My Body This Coming Week at 9 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 9 weeks
Your uterus is enlarged and your waistline may have increased slightly by now. The pregnancy hormones in your system have increased the volume of blood in your body.

Your skin may have improved (the famous "glow" of pregnancy) or you may be experiencing skin problems. Your gums may be softer. The thyroid gland in your neck may be more prominent. Your hair may also be less oily. Your breasts may feel fuller and more tender. You may notice increased creamy vaginal secretions.

Moving Right Along

I had my first official OB apt today and all systems go. Dr. feels encouraged and is also highly optimistic. She beleives the spotting was likely an implantation bleed and/or placenta forming. The implanting bleed doesn't line up in the time line, but it's stopped, so I don't really care what caused it or why it happened. So yay. She checked my scaring on my uterus since I had the myomectomy in January, and said it looked great, everything is healthy, c-section most likely at 39 weeks, yada yada yada... Had 5 vials of blood drawn, a flu shot, and got to pee in a cup. Yay.

Next up, the NT scan and next OB apt both on the 3rd, next month (fx we make that apt). Just after we're back from vacation.

Since it seems to be going well, DH and I decided to tell DD. She's pretty happy, but not fully grasping the concept yet. I think if/when I can take her to an u/s, and she can see baby, it'll seem more real to her.

Was a great excuse to get her to clean up her room though. And she's already thinking bunk beds. lol.

My Body This Coming Week at 8 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 8 weeks
You may feel some cramping as your uterus expands. You are still not showing, but you may have noticed that some of your clothes are beginning to feel tight.

Due to the hormones associated with pregnancy, the follicles in the ovaries stop maturing. Your uterus has begun to swell and its lining has thickened considerably.

You may have cravings for certain foods and find others completely unappealing. The smell of cigarette smoke and the taste of alcohol may make you nauseous.

Some women experience sciatic nerve pain which is an occasional severe pain in the buttocks, back or side of the legs. If you experience sciatic nerve pain, lying on your opposite side may relieve the pressure on the nerve.

Measuring 6w4d at 6w6d

Had my u/s today. I'm measuring 6w4d, which is excellent. My calculations put me at 6w6d today, so being off a couple of days is NO BIG DEAL.

HB 156 BPM so that was also excellent.

Next up, 1st OB on the 6th with Dr. Wagener at 8:30am.

Because I know the numbers don't mean much without reference... Average for week 6 is 103 - 126 BPM. We had 156 BPM. So very good.

Last PG, when we went to the 2nd scan I should have been 8 weeks, measured 6 weeks still and HB was weak at 117. Lost that baby 2 weeks later.

Starting at week 5 the fetal heart will accelerate at a rate of 3.3 beats per day for the next month.

The fetal heart begins to beat at approximately the same rate as the mothers, which is 80 to 85 bpm. Below illustrates the approximate fetal heart rate for weeks 5 to 9, assuming a starting rate of 80

Week 5 starts at 80 and ends at 103 bpm

Week 6 starts at 103 and ends at 126 bpm

Week 7 starts at 126 and ends at 149 bpm

Week 8 starts at 149 and ends at 172 bpm

At week 9 the fetal heartbeat tends to beat within a range of 155 to 195 bpm.

The fetal heart rate will begin to decrease and generally will fall within the range of 120 to 160 bpm by week 12.

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/normal-fetal-heart-rate-chart.html

My Body This Coming Week at 7 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 7 weeks
Your nipples may feel sensitive (NO SHIT!!). Small nodules, called Montgomery's tubercles, may appear on the areolae.

Your blood pressure is lowered by pregnancy hormones, and as a result you may sometimes feel dizzy or faint when you stand for a long time.

Morning sickness may continue.

Cervical mucous coagulates to form a plug in your cervical canal to keep it closed and protected throughout your pregnancy. It will be expelled prior to giving birth.

I slept well, feeling renewed.

what a difference a good night sleep will make. No more spotting since last night around dinner time. Woke up this morning at 5am, and jumped into the shower. Felt so much better. Climbed back into bed for a morning nap, and a fresh clean start to the day. It is what it is, and it may be nothing. If it's something I'll know soon enough. Until, I am embracing the day. "Today I am Pregnant."

Spotting means what?

Had some very very light pink on the TP at 8am this morning. Could be nothing, could be everything.

Had some red spotting mixed with EWCM on the TP at 6pm tonight. Freaking out.

No blood all day (since this morning), then I come home and another glob of EWCM mixed with red blood this time. Still a "spot" only and thus far no real cramps. I have been bearing down a lot lately so maybe it's just that. I sure hope so.

Going to the restroom should NOT be so scary.

My Body This Coming Week at 6 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 6 weeks
By now your pregnancy should have been confirmed. You may be experiencing morning sickness (not necessarily only in the morning). You will have begun to notice changes in your body: you may have gained a few pounds, or you may have even lost weight if you've been suffering from morning sickness. Your uterus is growing, although it is still smaller than a tennis ball and you do not "show". Your metabolism has likely increased to deal with the changes taking place in your body. Some women begin to suffer from heartburn and constipation. You may also be feeling tired and irritable sometimes due to the increase in levels of the hormone progesterone. (This is the same hormone that can make you feel irritable before you get your period).

Sunday Family Fun Day

We had bought some Pizza Putt passes a while back on VT Jump On It Deal, (Pizza Putt is VT's version of Chuck E Cheese and Jump On It Deal is VT's version of Groupon) that needed to be used or lost if not redeemed by this upcoming Wednesday, so we decided to use them today.

Natalya had no idea we had them or that we were going today. Spent $20 on the pass, got $40 in game play, free bowling, laser tag, and mini golf. Also had a free small cheese pizza coupon left over from Natalya's "4th" birthday. So armed with our coupons we were all set.

We played games, ticket jackpots, skee ball, she rode the merry go round and the frog hopper rides. We played mini golf, and Natalya even got her very first hole in one. It was awesome.

The ticket gods were shining on us 'cause at days end we had over 1000 tickets. Plenty enough to get the porcelain tea party set she'd been eyeing for months. That was 350 tickets. We had tons more to spend. Yay.

When we came home we had a "tea party" with entertainment of Natalya dancing a ribbon dance with her new prizes.

Then we all cuddled and watched AFV, which is the first time she's ever sat through that kind of show. A non-animated family show. lol.

Just put her to bed, and still thinking the happiest thoughts of today.

My favorite parts were the hole in one and the tea party.

All in all, a great and memorable happy day.

I'm sooooooooo tired, I hardly slept a wink...

Good lord I'm tired. I couldn't fall asleep at all last night, finally caved and took one of my script sleeping pills at 3am. I checked, it's a cat. c pill. I was desperate. 3 bendryl and 2 unisom did nothing. I think I may have built up an immunity to these pills. My chronic insomnia was managed with Lorazapan, and since that's a cat. d drug, it's off the table now.

Then DD came in a 6a in tears cause her nose hurt. (she has a cold). I got her some meds, and sent her to her dad to get settled in the living room with the TV so I could get more sleep. Then at 10a, DH brushed my head to check for staples. He said he had a bad dream and thought I stapled my head. So now I'm up.

I'm taking all caffeine out effective immediately. Maybe today wasn't the best day to start this, but if even the slightest bit of caffeine is adding to my sleepless nights, I need to try that too.

I have a pounding headache, and my eyes feel swollen. I am going to try NOT to take a nap in hopes I crash much earlier. At least it's the weekend and I don't have to be anywhere.

I really hoped getting PG would cure me of my insomnia. It's so hard going cold turkey on my meds and now my coffee. I've got some decaf in the house, so will be using that as I transition off the coffee altogether. I know there really isn't a great solution here, I just needed to vent this out.

Now I'm hungry again, so off I go to graze in the kitchen. So happy to have symptoms that make me miserable. lol. ;)

Newly Pregnant Again

In 2008 we had a 2nd trimester loss. Due to genetic malformation, the baby wouldn't survived. NOT Viable. So with great sadness we ended that pregnancy with a D&E at 19w2d.

In Nov. 2009, we started TTC again. Happily 8 months later we were rewarded with a BFP. Elated and excited. Until we realised there was a problem. Sure enough, this baby's heart stopped and it was over. This time my body DID begin to miscarry on it's own, and with the help of the hospital, we had a D&C this time.

So 2 losses, 1 miscarriage, and 1 healthy and happy little girl at home with us.

After months of not getting better, horrible periods and needing percocet to get through them, it was discovered that I had a mass in my uterus that was getting bigger and bigger. My options were hystorectomy or laproscopic myomectomy surgery. I took the myomectomy.

Once healed up from that, the last u/s showed all was well on the inside.

So after a few months of recovery and healing, we decided to TTC again. 3rd try's the charm.

I stopped temping, I half heartedly charted.

Now it's November 2011. I am newly pregnant again. Taking it all in one day at a time. I know all too well that good beta numbers doesn't mean I'm safe from a m/c. I now know that they just get me to the next apt.

So I'm taking it all in. I'm 38, and will be 39 by my due date. Whatever the outcome, this will be my final chapter in pregnancy. This will be my last time.

Savoring the moments. Enjoying the glow. Hoping to bring my rainbow summer baby home to our loving family.

I've come full circle. My last pregnancy began in July 2010, and now, this being my true final pregnancy, should end in July 2012.

My Body This Coming Week at 5 weeks

My Body This Coming Week at 5 weeks
By now your period will be late and you probably will already know or suspect you are pregnant. A pregnancy test needs to be done to confirm your pregnancy. All pregnancy tests measure the pregnancy hormone, hcG, which begins to build up in your bloodstream after implantation. It takes several days after implantation for your body to produce enough hcG to be detected by pregnancy tests.

You may already be experiencing some pregnancy symptoms: Your breasts may be slightly swollen and tender and you may experience a tingling sensation in your breasts. You may have food cravings, feel the need to urinate frequently and may feel more easily fatigued than you normally are. You may also begin to experience nausea or morning sickness as your body begins to secrete pregnancy hormones. Pregnancy hormones include hCG, progesterone and estrogen. These hormones are needed to support and sustain your pregnancy.

Beta 2 is in.... 949

2nd beta in, 949. Keeping hope alive for one more day. Next up u/s 11/28. 

Beta 1 is in... 408

408... so I'm officially PG.... lol.

They want me back same time (lunch) on Friday. So much for getting a haircut then. Maybe this weekend instead.

This is all we know... that at the present time I am indeed pregnant!

To see where this number falls... I took the test today at 15 dpo....

http://www.betabase.info/

Well hello there.

15 dpo, 11/9/11.

Finding moments of Joy

I had an emotional meltdown the other night and when Craig complained I needed to be the "rock" I told him it'll be all about him tomorrow, but that at that moment I needed it to be about me.

I'm hormonal and restless. Tired too, and haven't been eating well. IDK, maybe stress is getting to me. The clock is running down and while DH's job prospecting has been going well, no interviews scheduled or job offers made yet, and the 30th is getting closer and closer.

This morning I took DD to the blood lab for a draw. She did great. No tears or anything. She did tremble, and I held her close and after it was over (she had to fast before the test) we went out for a pancake breakfast. We're needing to check her out to see why she has so much joint pain. Hopefully we can figure all this out with this one lab draw and there won't be a need for further testing.

After breakfast we skipped the library and went to the playground instead. It was sunny and beautiful out, and 30 degrees. Brrrr. She had a great time playing and there were lots of kids there so it was good to be out. And when we came home, cocoa and hot cider. Mmmmmmm, cider.

Tomorrow she has a play date to look forward too. I'm just trying embrace the weekend and soak up some R&R as it is much needed.

YAWN

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

So very tired tonight. Craig thinks it's just the end of a very long and stressful week. He's probably right.

Nighty night!

Freaking Out!!! aka Getting Screwed again!

Okay, NOW I'm panicking. Craig just found out that his company lied to him when he point blank asked (4 years ago) if they paid into Unemployment. They said yes, and told him today that they in fact do not pay into that as they are exempt being a non profit religious org. Crap! Even when I was laid off from the synagogue and ran into this, I at least had a severance to live off of. He's not getting anything!!! I'm so scared!!!!!! I just don't know what we're going to do??? We're contacting our lawyer to see if we can try to squeeze something out of them. Looks like it's going to get nasty really quick.

ETA:
We're well versed in the rules of Unemployment here in US and in our state. I was laid off from a religious non profit about 4 years ago when we first went through this hassle and at that time, DH checked with his employer (also a religious non profit) and they told him he'd get unemployment if ever laid off. Now another story!!! >:(

So yeah, we're not signing ANYTHING until we seek advice from our lawyers. Ugh. Can't believe we're back here again. So pissed off, stressed out, angry, scared.... you know all the fear of what if is happening and we're not ready for it. No real safety net. Blew through that fixing the car earlier this month, and even without that, it's just not enough to cover our minimal expenses.

I just don't know what we're going to do. I can say for certain that baby making is now off the table. Most likely forever now as my time window is quickly shutting on us.

This is not the sort of Halloween scare I wanted today. :(

Update to bitter sweet day aka Crap!

Craig lost his job today!!! Ok, laid off and with a month's notice, but still he/we are freaking out!!!

Also, a brutal day at my office today, as of my 3 co-workers were fired. Luckily I was not one of them, in fact I get to move (again) back to my old team. So happy to be back with my office friends and closer to my other department that I get to continue working in.

AND... looks like Baby making may be put on hold again, possibly permanently...

Hubby found out his job is ending November 30th. At least they gave him a month's notice, and it's a layoff so we'll get unemployment, but that's temporary and 1/2 his current pay so it still sucks. Trying to stay calm, but freaking out a little.

crap crap crap crap crap crap...........

Bitter Sweet Happy

Three of my co-workers were fired today for poor work performance. While I'm sad to see them go, as I really liked these people, I'm glad to see that work performance does matter here at my company afterall.

More bitter sweet news... I get to move back to my old Georgia/Iowa team. I loved it over there, but I get to go back now because one of the fired employees left a vacancy there.

Also mean I get to clean up the mess she's most likely left behind (hence the reason for her being fired in the first place).

I get to stay with a mini portfolio though and continue with my CORE dept. work, which I love, so all in all it's worked out for me.

I also get my old supervisor back, so no more buses to be thrown under! For that I am relieved. And I'm thrilled to be back with my old team/friends. I was mighty lonely here in Team IL.

Of course there are new knots in my stomach. Craig is meeting with the board pres. at his work right now. We don't know what about. I'm scared that they may try a lay off or salary reduction. Just scary times, with all these firings and layoffs. I hope we come out of all of this okay and just a little more focused on maintaining our job performances at peak levels.

There doesn't seem to be a lot available for new jobs, so I'm thankful that I'll be keeping mine and moving back to where I'd rather be. I pray Craig's meeting goes well and there is nothing to be stressed about.

I told Craig to call as soon as he could tell me something. Yikes!!!

All in all a good day for me, annoying that I have to pack up my desk and MOVE again, 3rd or 4th move in 2+ years... I'm losing count. Thrilled to be with my work friends again on a team/state I like to work with.

Take a deep breath! Now let it out... and repeat!

Happy Birthday to my beautiful 5 year old

Happy Birthday to my beautiful 5 year old. I know you're feeling icky today, but it's still your birthday, so let's DANCE! Then snuggle with hot cider. I love you Natalya. Have a wonderful year of being 5!!

http://youtu.be/veN2gyCEj8s

Last Day as a 4 year old

Tomorrow she turns "5" for "real life". ♥ ♥ ♥

First Year

Second Year

Third Year

Fourth Year

Fifth Year

No "real live" brother or sister tonight

Taly is in tears presently because she doesn't have a "real live" brother or sister to sleep with in her room. This has become a bigger issue over the past year and seems to have come to a full boil tonight. Craig is trying to comfort her now, and I'm feeling like such a huge failure because I can't stay pregnant and now can't seem to even get pregnant. I desperately want a sibling for her and another child for us. I'm feeling like I just can't do anything right.

Natalya's 5th Birthday Party Hootenanny

Survived the 5 year old birthday party. Everyone had a great time and I think we set the bar high for this years parties. Woot! Glad we pulled it off, and glad it's over. Just have to get through birthday snack on Tuesday then all done until Christmas. Phew was a lot of work. Going to enjoy having a light work week to recover I think.

P.S. Here's a link to the pics on my Facebook Page.
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150362041004835.372169.603269834&type=1&l=11d8de4b71

Western 5th Birthday Party (before pics)

Getting all things ready for the Big Birthday Bash for my very soon to be 5 year old. We have a wonderful western theme, and Craig and I have even been making 'Stick' horses for the kids to keep. Yay. Here are a few BEFORE THE PARTY pics. I'm sure there will be tons of AFTER PARTY pics to post soon.

Fun with my kid.... COOOOOFFFFFFEEEEEEE!

Here's my "Coffee Mummy"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPnhnx6abCs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

(when I get home tonight, I'll try to embed this... for now click the link and enjoy your giggle!)

Suck it AF

I was really hopeful, and doubtful at the same time. Why do the 2ww symptoms and early PG symptoms have to be the same?? I even wasted a test. Hate doing that.

So here I am CD 2. On the day AF arrived, I got 3 pregnancy announcements, and a total of 7 pregnancy announcements all last week. It's a bit too much for me. Think that's why maybe I was hopeful even thought the PMS signs were so obvious.

I hate that I can read my body so well, when I don't like the story it's telling.

With each failed cycle I feel a little more broken.

Sigh...... Probably why I'm so cranky lately. Just got to shake it off, and hug my family tighter each day, thanking god that I have them. How lonely life would be for me without my best friend and husband, and without ever knowing my daughter. Sure they both can drive me batty, but that makes me love them all that much more (when looking back, not necessarily in the moment...)

So strange to feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time.

My boobs hurt!

Really hurt. And my face - you could connect the dots on my face. Acne from hell. I am dying for chocolate. PMS from hell.

My "AF" should be starting in the next couple of days. That or I'm seriously hormonally mixed up.

Work Vent! >:(

MY stupid idiot manager.... >:( 5pm can't come soon enough. I swear sometimes I feel like no good deed goes unpunished. Just got stung a bit. Argh and sigh.

Had my idiot manager done what I requested in the first place, I wouldn't be having to continue to clean up this mess that could have all been avoided if he had just made the phone call. But he didn't, I had to erase a (then) bad file, that turned out later to be a good file. I told the company to send the file again, since I erased it due to their not having the paperwork to back their claim (then). Then he sticks his nose in to it (now when it's not wanted) and had me re-import the erased file and clean it up. Took 1/2 a day by the way. Ugh. Then today, this company called me and asked me to re-erase the file! WTH?? I'm not going to do that, just that they don't know how to send their files to me without sending the originally erased file.... >:( So now they're going to send me "everything" and I will have to find the duplicates to erase which will now likely take me a full day to sort through (a big mess).

None of this would have happened if said idiot manager would have just made that call. Lazy SOB. And now he makes a mess for me and I yet again have to clean it up. What a jerk!!!!!

Sigh. Breathe....

Going to not even think twice about this place (work) once I walk out the door today. Just going to think about my family and fun ahead on our most likely cold and rainy weekend. Bring on the hot apple cider!!!

And now MY vent is over. Bring on the weekend!!!

PCOS, what exactly is it? As seen from my own experiences.

PCOS, what exactly is it? As seen from my own experiences.

I’d been on BCP since I was age 18 as a means to control my acne and regulate my periods. After getting married in 2003, I came off the pill, and at first my cycles were still relatively regular. I noticed they progressively got longer and longer… 28 days, 32 days, 37 days, etc. After a few months of trying to get pregnant, I must have begun my anovulatory cycles, but didn’t know what that was or anything about it. I just figured, clearly my period was late, so I must have been pregnant, only to get negative pregnancy tests over and over.

I’d go to my OB, who would have me the pee on a stick – pregnancy test- (aka POAS) at her office, and with the continued negative tests that was it. I wasn’t pregnant. No blood work would be ordered. I was having really heavy flows by then and I was close to 300 lbs, so they chalked it up to I weighed too much.

I learned about temping/bbt from her and started doing it manually on photocopied charts. Then I joined FF (http://www.fertilityfriend.com) in 2004 and kept the data online. I started to notice strange patterns… true anovulatory patterns.







When I went for so long without a period, I was frustrated. The cycle after chart 3 here was a 3 month cycle of continuous bleeding. Can you imagine having period bleeding every day for 90 days??? I did. That freaked me out. After 1 month of my marathon bleeding, I went to see my first RE.

At that point it was clear to her that I had PCOS. She had me do the glucose test, and I failed horribly.

So we discussed “housecleaning” options. We decided to take a year off, go back on BCP to regulate my cycles and hopefully get me to stop bleeding. I had to begin the metformin (ended up at the full dose too – eventually) and I had to lose weight. She sent me to a dietician, and I began my journey to housecleaning.

I was 1 day away from having to have a D&C (scraping of my lining) to force my bleeding to stop. I stopped after 2 BC packs taken double the dose. Hormone hell! Talk about being scared straight.

I stopped temping, because with being on BCP and the housecleaning, I didn’t need too.

Fast forward to 2006. I had lost 70 pounds, and was in the best shape of my life. I had ABS! (sigh, I miss those). My RE and I decided I should come off BCP and see if my cycles had regulated themselves.

If they were still irregular after a 6 month timeframe, we’d go on Clomid.

I stayed on the metformin, but reduced the amount by ½. 2 weeks after my period, I noticed EW cm, and for giggles, I took a temp.

It was pretty low, so WTH, let’s practice right? That night resulted in my daughter.

Here’s that cycle (you’ll notice it’s vastly different):





So my RE was shocked, I was shocked, Craig was NOT prepared, as he was convinced I had 6 months of getting the BCP out of my system, and then we’d begin TTC. So much for planning, right?

I can’t remember what “symptoms” were going back so many years, but I can say that it was quite a journey. Oh, and after I got pregnant with my daughter, the pregnancy pretty much cured the whole PCOS/IR issue.

I’ve been regular to the day ever since.

I do know that 2ww symptoms and pre-pregnancy symptoms are VERY similar, so they tell you nothing. Sore breasts are a result of the progesterone surge in the 2ww that also causes elevated temps.

I finally gave up trying to tell if I was having 2ww or PG symptoms. I just chalked them all up to 2ww symptoms now.

Missing my Alice Rose 9.23.08

Craig and I saw a rainbow on our drive home last night. Today is Alice Rose's 3rd birthday, anniversary from when we lost her in 2008. I'm full of emotion today. Hoping the rainbow is a sign of something greater for us. Maybe the rainbow was just a rainbow. IDK. Feeling melancholy. I miss my baby girl.

Fair day Fun day

My company had it's annual fair fun day. They treated us all to parking, admission, rides, and lunch. It was a great morning and afternoon! Now I'm home having me time and it's lovely.

See! I'm not *always* complaining. :p

Just been a delightful day.

Will have to head out soon to round up my troops so I'm savoring the quiet right now.

Well, I was in a good mood, then...

I just picked up Craig to take to work and he casually suggested I filter out his family on my FB posts as they are catty and mean, and I shouldn't give them ammo to use against me. Now you tell me, how would that make *you* feel? Guess I'm glad I did *not* go to the funeral. After nearly 8 years of marriage and having been friends since 1993, you'd think by now his family would just get over it and accept me. Poo!

I don't know how to process this information. So you think maybe I should unfriend them all? I just don't know what to do. I mean, am I embarrassing my husband? Or just them? I really don't care what they think or say about me, screw them, right? But now my husband is stepping in and is concerned about them saying mean things about me/us behind our backs.

Why has this weekend been so hard??

What a weekend. yikes. Natalya is handling Craig being gone, by acting out, and driving me insane. I've never been so happy to see a Monday come. And I really LOVE my daughter, but it was indeed a very loooonng weekend. I need to hit the grocery store today, and don't want to have her come and act up at the store, so I think I'm going to leave work an hour before I need to get her, hit the store first.

Maybe a pizza tonight? IDK. I'm running out of the needed energy to keep up with her. lol. Quite an active soon to be 5 year old. And she keeps saying she's sorry. So what am I to do? I have to accept her apology, even though just seconds/minutes later she's doing another naughty act. Sigh.

It's a "challenge". Yeah, that's it.

Anyhow, Craig is due to come back home late tomorrow night. I can not wait. I really am missing him. And not just because Natalya has been a challenge. All I know is I have such admiration for the single mom's and the stay at home moms who are able to engage and care for their child/children solo. Why is it so hard for me? She's only 1 kid! Sometimes I think if she did have a sibling it would actually be easier. Like they could entertain themselves, and I'd just have to referee. Instead, with only one, I get to be the playmate. But when I'm exhausted, I just don't have the energy and patience to "play".

Karen Ann Booth Salazar Obituary: View Karen Salazar's Obituary by Santa Cruz Sentinel

Thinking of Karen today. A wonderful person, lost too soon. Never to be forgotten. Love and miss you Aunt Karen. You will always be an inspiration, and you will live on in the stories I share with my daughter.


Karen Ann Booth Salazar Obituary: View Karen Salazar's Obituary by Santa Cruz Sentinel

Karen - You will be missed

Lost a beautiful woman full of life and love tonight to cancer. It came on all to sudden and she's gone from us tonight. She never got to meet our daughter in person. We never got out to visit one last time. We live too far from everyone and this just sucks. I'm angry and sad and feel helpless. She was a free spirit and I'm honored to have known her. She leaves behind her husband, twin sons (age 20) and daughter (age 23). All to young to be without their mother. So heartbreaking. So devastating. So life altering. I don't know how to even process this. She's too young. It's not fair. It's not right.

Karen, you were amazing, and will always be remembered fondly. I love you and will keep your memory close to my heart. Thank you for allowing me to know you. Thank you for your smile and good cheer. Thank you for being.

I hope you find peace now.

Rest in peace.

A Cautionary Tale... or... Don't piss me off!

Ever witness someone selfishly taking up 2 spaces in a full parking lot? I did today, and right under my nose. AND she took up the LAST 2 spaces. So as she was walking with her two boys to the movie theater, I pulled up along side her, rolled down my window and told her it was inconsiderate, taking up the last 2 spaces with her 1 car.

She could have been apologetic, and re-parked so we could both have a place for our vehicles, but instead she told me to "piss off".

Well something stirred inside of me. I'm usually so quiet. So nice. So easy going. Not today. I snapped. Being pushed around one time too many? Outright rudeness? I couldn't take it. I parked my car in another lot, and headed into the theater. I saw her in the line at the concession counter. I laid into her. Pointing out how unbelievably rude she was, and selfish, and how she's making a terrible example of how people should behave.

She put her hand in my face and waved me off saying "Be gone!"

OMG!

But instead of saying curse words to her, I got even louder. I made a scene. I publicly embarrassed the hell out of her. I didn't care how I looked, I wasn't going to take it. Not anymore!! I will not be treated like this, and I will not tolerate this. I don't have to take being stepped on and spit at.

I shouted at her, "YOU'RE ARE RUDE", "YOU ARE SELFISH". "RUDE!!" "RUDE!!"

Then I told the manager that they should tow her car, and explained why.

I'm sure they didn't. I'm sure they all wanted me to shut up. I'm sure they all wanted ME to just disappear. Let this be a cautionary tale. I could have keyed her car. I could have slashed her tires. I could have punched that witch in the face. She certainly deserved it.

But I didn't. I made sure that she'll never forget me, or that selfish act, and that there are consequences for your rude actions. To you witch lady I say "Be gone!"

PS.... FUCK YOU, YOU TWAT!

I'm not bossy...

Quote of the day from Natalya, on the ride into school/daycare. (in response to my asking her not to be so bossy-she was telling Craig he couldn't scratch his beard)

"I'm not bossy, I'm demanding."

Can I just remind you all that she's only 4??? We laughed so hard!

Being proactive at work...

Being proactive at work... in case we are going to be here in VT a while longer and in hopes to save my position with (my current company) in case layoffs still are a possibility... (even though presently they say we're safe)

This is a copy of an email I sent to the company's Gen. Mgr. this morning. If nothing else, showing him I am a super trooper and want to stay...

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Barbara H...
Date: Wed, Jul 20, 2011 at 9:29 AM
Subject: New Team/New Team Leaders
To: Richard C...


Hi Rich,

In lieu of the possibility of CORE going away, and new states coming
on board, I was wondering if there will be, or is a need for new team
leader's? If so, I would like to express an interest in taking on that
role.

While I do love it in the CORE office, and find the work challenging
and fun, I also recognize my need to remain busy here, and
welcome the opportunity to get my hands into more cookie jars,
essentially taking on more work, and enhancing my skill base,
utilizing my existing management experience obtained from my past
positions.

I'm happy to have a conversation to discuss this possibility further.
If it turns out that we're all set with the way we are presently set
up, then I'm happy to roll up my sleeves to help with the transition
and new team that I will be joining in any capacity possible that is
useful and helpful.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Respectfully,
Barbara Hammond

----------------
I suspect I will not get a reply, as that's more the common thing to happen when I contact Rich, but still, figured it couldn't hurt sending it out there.

More news on the Job Front

Job Update...

Our prez has been hustling with some re-bids, and we're 90% certain we're getting 3 more states (New York, New Jersey, and Maryland) to add to Florida, which we just got, and they're big states, at least NY is, so instead of laying off, we'll be hiring!

Actually just hired 3 people to start August 1. So that's encouraging.

Several scenarios may still have us hosed, but for now, the job is stable. That being said, the department I was promoted into is a dead duck, as the new states we're getting are states we work on in that department and the loss there is a 3/4 loss of business. SIGH.

I'll probably just get re-absorbed into the main focus of work here at my company, and probably get to keep my "raise" from that promotion. And at least I'll have a job I mostly like. I'd feel better if he said flat out that there will not be any layoffs. All he said was it appears to be stable, and looks as if we're going to be needing more help. So will just have to see how it all unfolds.

My manager in my CORE department did say that if layoffs were to occur, the would be performance based, not length of time at the company based. So if that is the criteria, I should be safe.

Knots in my tummy still huge. Think I should still keep looking for a new job? I do love it here, but don't want to be screwed this fall. Maybe I should just continue to encourage and assist Craig in getting that new MBA job and get us out of here.

So good news and bad. Get to stay on (probably) but lose my promotion responsibilities. Maybe I'll go for team leader/manager for one of the new states we're going to get. Not much in a pay increase but more work. I need to have work or I go crazy!!!

Think WINE is in order tonight!!

UPDATE from the President of EPS

UPDATE:

Well, somewhat of an update. This email just sent to all EPS staff from our company President:

To all staff:

I just wanted to let you all know that there's a high probability - perhaps 80%, in my estimation - that we will be able to give you some very good news.

I wish I could say more but I can't share any more right now. I also do not have an estimate of when I can share with you - there's a lot going on right now, and just as I said in meeting, we will know more given time - perhaps as much as two weeks. Do know we are doing everything we can to look out for your (and EPS') interests.

-Fred
--
Frederick J. Hutchins
President, EPS, Inc.

So maybe smooth sailing ahead, and this scare is just that, a scarey moment that will soon pass.

In the meantime, I'm cleaning up my resume, dusting off my interview clothes, setting up an online profile with a business email address and google clean searchable data, etc.

I'll keep you posted.

No such thing a "Job Security"

I had a crap night, tossed and turned. Thank you stress.

I did a quick scan of open jobs in my local radius... ugh... nada! Craptastic. I know every week a new job may present itself. I don't know if we can make it with me on unemployment only. Scary times ahead. However, this seems to now be the true motivator to kick DH's butt into gear to find a new position thanks to his new MBA. Time to get serious and start looking... for real now...

He's got the better hiring potential thanks to his MBA. Maybe he can get a new job, we move, doesn't matter that my company is a sinking ship, and I get pregnant... trah la la.

Right, that is not how it works. Sigh.

Current strategy... make myself indispensable at the office. Just picked up some extra work. Show them I'm worth the work of 2-3 employees and that they can't live without me. So even though I'm newer here, (2 years this month) I'm highly valuable.

I did get promoted last year, and that may keep me safe, but as I've learned years ago, there is no such thing as job security. Even though I'm "awesome" there are people here who have been here for 15+ years. Surely their seniority weighs heavily. My only hope is to prove I'm worth keeping. May work, may not, but at least I can get a decent recommendation letter, right?

sigh.

Sailing a sinking ship!

Got some bad news at work. My company got obliterated in the annual contract bid. We lost 4 out of 5 states, and gained 1. Our CORE office (one of my departments) will still be around, but not clear who will be working in it. That means on average, the company will have to get rid of 20-25 employees. (We only have 51 employees)

My job secured until September. Lawsuits may be filed, but most likely, I'm out of a job come September. I may be safe because I'm already in the CORE department, but only 1/2 time. And I'm one of the more recent hired employees, so even though I do a good job, it may not matter.

If let go, it'd be through no fault of my own, so I'd get unemployment, but that is limited, and no extensions allowed.

Kind of freaking out, a bit of delayed shock. This was what the meeting I missed yesterday was about. So that sucks. 1) I really like my job. 2) the skills don't transfer over 3) not a large open job pool in Vermont.

Are we having fun yet???? No, not yet!

I thought weekends were for relaxing. I'm more stressed out today then I was all week at the office, and it was a crappy week! I need a Saturday do-over and need my normally pleasant and nice and sweet daughter to return. The tantrum monster needs to just go away. She whined ALL day! Gimme was her mantra. We took her to the pool, the playground, the petting farm, not good enough. I made a lovely dinner, pasta with red sauce and corn on the cob. She LIKES pasta. But not tonight. She wouldn't eat. Sat at the table crying and carrying on. Finally I just gave up and told her to get down and get ready for bed. SHE has the nerve to ask for dessert! Uh, NO! Thus the crying and tantrum came back. OMG. I am not giving her dessert, if she's not going to eat her dinner. Give me a break here! She pulled this same crap last night. Refused to eat the cheese pizza, and wanted to go straight to cake. What parent would let that happen??? This new pattern sucks, and lord help me, I don't seem to have the patience for it. Maybe I'm just hot. Maybe I need another glass of wine? IDK, all I know is her whining and tantrums really put me in a foul mood. And it's supposed to be my holiday weekend to chill out and have family fun. Are we having FUN yet??? I think not.


maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Happy Father's Day - Picnic on top of Mt. Philo - 2011

Had a wonderful time on our Father's day picnic up at Mt. Philo. Good food and company, and Natalya learned how to climb a tree (with a little help) and throw a frisbee. Can't wait for more fun days like this one to come now that the MBA is over. Happy Father's Day Craig!!

Busy Father's Day Weekend Ahead

Just back from Friday Lunch date. Today we went to the mall and ate Quiznos (sub sandwich) and did some shopping! :D Tried on new sneakers, really liked the new balance, but needed 1/2 size smaller then they had. So the sneaker search continues. (The pair I bought at Macy's are too small, so they have to go back!) I will never buy shoes online again without first trying them on in a store!

Went to Kohls, they're having a pretty good sale today. Bought a new purse and got 50% off! Yay! So that's pretty awesome too (I looooovvveeeee pocketbooks!!)

Today is Natalya's last official day of school. Monday she goes back for "summer session" for one week, then "camp" for four weeks. I use quotes, 'cause it's all at the same place basically doing the same shtick with more playing and less "learning" I suppose. Not sure if it counts as "summer vacation" if you don't have a change of scenery or routine.

Busy weekend plans for us and we're cramming way too much in for just two days. Tonight is a COSTCO run (oy), Saturday I need to get the laundry all done, return books to the library, go sleeping bag shopping for DD (Going camping in July), return the too small sneakers to Macy's and get DD's hair trimmed. Sunday, I have to make Craig breakfast in bed, give the dad day gifts, and make the dad day calls to my dad and dad in law, then we're going to have a picnic on top of a mountain. I suppose I'll have to figure out dinner that night too (I am NOT a cook!!!), maybe pizza! ;)

And of course... Game of Thrones season finale Sunday night. Yes, I'm excited for it, and yes, I know I'm lame for being excited for it.

Now I'm off to transfer the contents of my old purse into my new purse. Then I'll have to figure out how to kill the remaining two hours I have left at the office, as I have no more work to do until Monday or Tuesday next week.

Happy weekend everyone.

Indoor Camping

Princess Puppy Ruby

Can you stand the cuteness?

SUN!!!!!!!

It's SUNNY and NICE and NOT RAINING!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Took the family over to the Church Street Marketplace downtown. We got outside, and window shopped. Spent entirely too much money on some chocolate covered strawberries, and enjoyed street musicians, climbing boulders, splashing in a fountain, making new friends on the street, and generally having a lovely afternoon.

Natalya, in spite of her protests, is snoozing away on the couch. Craig is relaxing (there's a wonderful concept) and I just bought new sneakers online with a gift certificate Craig gave me.

Soon there is laundry and BBQ, and lunches to make for tomorrow, but in the now, there is a/c, and quiet peace in the house. Ahhhhhh, I love days like this.

So embracing this sunny day!!! It's been so long since we saw ye sunshine.

Kung Fu 2

Getting out of the house today. Wasn't feeling spectacular yesterday, so still taking it "easy", and will be seeing Kung Fu Panda 2 with the family today. Craig let me sleep in, and that was spectacular. Love that man of mine!!!

I Just Had Sex (feat. Akon)

Friday ~ Really???

What a day I had!

Craig could not resist me any longer and "took" me that morning. (I am irresistible) As we're hot and heavy, we both hear a tiny tiny voice... "daddy??? what are you doing??" OMG, my kid walked in on us!

Now having scar'd my child for life, Craig escorted her to the living room to watch cartoons, then back to our room where we tried to regain our composure.

Off to work, my computer is broken. Had to stand over my desk while the IT guy tried to fix it. Frustrating.

Craig and I had our "lunch date", but sort of got to minor bickering and nitpicking at each other. Off putting, and not as pleasant as I was hoping it was going to be.

Friday night, oh what a night...

We went to Costco in a thunderstorm, so I could officially get my computer glasses refilled with the newest prescription. And get them back sooner rather than later. Now being told a week and a half! Before it was 3-4 days.

Also, my distance glasses got the anti reflection coating screwed up, so i turned those over too, to get fixed (3rd time getting this pair done in 2 month's time).

AND I didn't remember my back up spare pair of specs, so we finished up our costco shopping with me blind as a bat. It was not fun, and we all got on each other's nerves. My head was splitting and Natalya wanted to stay there to eat. Made that clear with her whines. I could not see! We took a pizza home, where I found my older glasses, but man what a difference a week made... now I'm in my old pair, and I can see, but just barely. These scripts are so different.

Still, better than nothing at all, but I sure hope this will be the last visit to the costco optical dept.

Then.... my new bathing suit, the one I ordered in MARCH, finally arrived. Back order hell. I tried it on, and my boobs spill out! Crap! So I look to see if I can get one in the next size up, and they have them, but the price went up $20 from when I bought it back in March!

Called their customer service, and they took care of it, getting another suit, at my original price and won't have to pay the shipping. But man! What a bummer, right???

So I'm still waiting....... just now laughing at myself.

It certainly was "a day".

Just got Praised!

So yeah, made me feel good and gushie inside. I helped a company that I work with every month get their financial's mostly cleaned up and allowed them a significant refund this month, so they're VERY happy and singing my praises.

Now if I could get them to sing my praises to my supervisors....

Oh well, at least I know they're (this company) is super happy with me at the moment, and that's enough to take some of my stress from this week away.

Ahhhh. Now to chill out and wait for 5pm... good lord that's hours away! Boo!

I wonder if there is something to watch on TV (aka netflix, hbogo, xfinity tv - goodness I have way too much access to TV!)

Hope you are all having a nice day too.

The Evil Advil

Ok, so I did this to myself. Back has been hurting, chalk it up to AF joys. Taking Advil's to help with the pain and keep the flow in check. It's working great! All except for the lovely tummy upset I'm now having today. Yes, the EVIL ADVIL has caught up with me and now I'm miserable.

I WANT to be with hubby, at least my mind does. My tummy has other ideas. Like soup and crackers for dinner. Keep it blah, keep the heating pad near by.

Sigh.

WHY oh why do I do this to myself again and again? Upped my asacol intake today, as well as my imodium. Now nursing a wicked headache, and really could happily crawl back into bed.

Not yet.

At the office. Caught up as best as I can be with work in process. Everything else is pending.

So I'm now thinking about eating some bland toast, and dreaming of snuggling under my blankets at home.

I am freezing. It's pouring rain outside. Wish I had a blanket here. Wishing I had a mattress and pillow here.

It's 3 hours until quitting time. Can't wait.

Chilling out (literally!)

Lazy Sunday

Today is a better re-charging day. Still in my PJs at just before 2pm, and we're all having a great relaxing day. It's cold, windy, and rainy, and will be rainy for the next 8-10 days, so at least my pollen sneezes are getting a break.

I did get to pick up my new new glasses yesterday, so just trying to get used to them again.

Watching "Harry and the Henderson's" at the moment with the family, so will probably get my weep on at the end when George sends Harry back to the woods. Get's me every time.

And totally unrelated... enjoy another LAZY SUNDAY:

Daphene

My daughter found a stone, named it Daphene, painted her blue with sparkly blue nail polish, and is now setting out to make a comfy bed/home for her.

My batteries are NOT recharging

I really was looking forward to resting this weekend. It's been a whirlwind 2 weeks. I'm super exhausted and need a break. I wanted to just sleep and chill out this weekend, re-charge my batteries.

Craig had to go to an early morning meeting, and was gone all morning and a bit into the afternoon. He told Natalya to let me sleep. She did not. Seconds after he left she woke me up.

I've been go go go all day. I'm losing it. My batteries are NOT recharging.

I think I just need a good cry!

I'm not really sad, just hormonal. Short fuse, exhausted and not getting any rest. That's my fault though.

I need to lock myself away and just watch a sad sappy movie and give myself a good hard girly cry. I swear I'd be a new person if I could just get my weep on.

CD 1 - here at last

Damn

Spotting?

Think it's all over - finally. spotting I think. must not be PG. I'm going to crawl into a corner and cry now.

Waiting and Wondering

Couldn't sleep last night. Up at 1:30am when I just started sobbing. No reason, just sobbing. What is wrong with me???? Weirdest LP ever!

Still no AF today, but didn't bother to test. Also, felt nauseas last night and this morning. So fricking annoying!

The thing is... I really do want to be PG now. And think it's unfair to make my head believe that I am, knowing with so many BFN's and different brand BFN's that these phantom symptoms are just that, not real, and AF is being mean to me this month. It's really tweaking my head, and I'm walking around in a dazed fog. Where is AF? Why is she late? What is the bigger issue if I'm not going to be PG, then what is all of this.

It's all consuming, and I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't know when AF was due, then I would just be blissfully unaware she was late, and not be wasting my time, money, stress, and efforts. Crying, nauseousness, fatigue?

And obsessively looking at the TP when I go to the restroom for any hint of AF. NADA.

I should be rejoicing, no AF means no cramps, no other AF yuckiness. My hormones are in overdrive. I seriously need a NAP!

Where ARE you???

My cycles typically last 29 days, post surgery. Before the surgery, could go up to 31 days, but rarely past that. If I did ovulate, I will get AF exactly 14 days later. That's the constant, the LP. If I had/have an anovulatory cycle, who knows when AF will come, right? I put in an "o" cover line on the FF chart to guestimate how many days left in my LP this cycle, so my dpo at CD 31 is 11, but is a guess at best. Used the 2nd day of cramping I had end of April. IF that cramping was O cramping... makes me where I am today.

My 1st and 2nd PG, I tested at probably 15-20 dpo and got my BFP. My last PG I tested at what I thought was 12 dpo and had my BFP. All three times when I thought AF due, but not here.

Last time I was "late" with constant BFN's, turned out I o'd really late so my 2ww turned into a 3ww and AF showed up 5 days later then expected.

All I know is I don't have AF here presently, and consider myself now late, but I also know the 2 tests have been BFN, which probably makes it more likely I'm not PG, just a late O and AF will be along shortly.

Then a tiny voice tells me, maybe it's a bad batch of tests. FRER tests have usually always been pretty honest to me. So a BFN, while disappointing, is probably the truth.

I have 1 answer test and I may use it tomorrow, but then that leaves me open to disappointment a 3rd day in a row.

Would be lovely to have a mother's day BFP, but a mother's day BFN?? I don't want to be moody and sad tomorrow, you know?

I haven't been sad about the BFN's just more baffled. If it's BFN, then where is AF already?

It's an exciting and frustrating time for me. The not knowing, I get to "be pregnant" at least a little longer... If AF comes, it's a nasty slap to reality that I'm not.

So for now I'm in my moment. Taking it with stride. Enjoying my imaginary symptoms, and hoping those imagined become true and real soon enough. Maybe it's my turn, maybe not. Just going with the flow (hah! Pun) so to speak.

Moody moody moody!

I'm crabby today, and was last night too. Maybe starting the weight loss plan this week was a bad idea. Family coming in, DH's MBA graduation Friday, much to still do, and tons of stress there.

Then, Will AF be here tomorrow or not????

Since last night I didn't eat nearly enough, I got to treat myself to a small ice cream for dessert, but DH went over his budget so he couldn't have any. I felt like a dirt bag for eating in front of him, and emotions were high. He really wanted dessert but knew he needed to resist, and put his big boy pants on. I am really proud of him, but felt like crap at the same time.

Bad Me!

Oh and I'm breaking out (acne) in weird places... back of my neck, frown lines near my mouth and one in my ear! WTH? I don't usually break out when AF comes, so I have no clue what that's all about.

I'm not craving chocolate, hope that is a good sign too.

I checked my CM last night expecting it to seem more EW as that's the way it seems just before AF, but nope. Was sticky-ish/cream.

To sum up: moody, clumsy, oddish break outs, no chocolate cravings, no sore bb, and sticky-ish cm last evening.

All of this to mess with my head I think. I predict AF will not be here tomorrow (as scheduled), but will come, and be late enough to drive me insane!

Eat LESS and EXERCISE

We're trying the "eat less and exercise" method. lol. This is what I did when I lost the 70 pounds to get PG with Natalya. Yes, 70 pounds! Sadly since having her 4.5 years ago, I've gained back most of it. Sigh. I'm needing to start all over. I remember everything feeling better when I was thinner, and would like to get to there again. I have no excuse anymore. We have a fitness center in our apt, right across the hall from us. And yet we've never used it! LAME!

Looking at my food journal for today, I think my problem is the same as before, I'm not eating enough. Therefore I go into starvation survival mode and store my fat, instead of losing it. Maybe I'll ride the exercise bike tonight? Or at least pull out the Wii Fit! Got to start somewhere.

I just know that when I get home, my child is on high energy, and it's exhausting. By time she's finally in bed (8ish) I'm spent. I take my shower, and climb into bed to watch a little TV with Craig until I can manage to fall asleep.

Lazy lifestyle at best.

You know, I made a resolution to work on my health this year. Operation, done; check. Now time to do this. I've been putting it off for too long. Today is the day! (now to see if I can back up all this "talk")

Easter Weekend

Hoppy Easter everyone.

Today I get to go shopping for Easter. I knew I'd end up doing it! It's not even my holiday. Oh well, Craig can still go pick out the Ham 'cause I wouldn't know where to begin.

That's my exciting lunch plans today. No lunch date today as Natalya is on spring break and is hanging out with Craig at his office today. It's okay, I got to go out with him twice last week and we're having fun in the bedroom finally, so I think the weekly date is helping our relationship.

Happy Friday... (it is friday, right??)

And have a great Easter Weekend if you celebrate it! :)

Concerns

Concerns with having a second... in 2006 when Natalya was born, there was no doubt in my mind I wanted another. We tried, got PG, and had that devastating loss in 2008. Tried again, with another loss this year. 5 years have past since I had no doubt in my mind. I just turned 38. I work full time. Natalya is soon out of daycare and into kindergarten. Much new freedom is just around the corner with out having another baby.

I hated potty training, I am not good with sibling rivalry/friendship rivalry, and I question some days my ability to do it all again, as it was so hard this first time around and I'm not getting younger. Our home is too small for a 2nd child, we'd have to get a bigger place. We got rid of all of DD's baby stuff, so again, having to start all over. I have zero time off at work for the rest of this calendar year thanks to my surgery, and don't know if we could afford me coming off income to care for a small baby again.

If it was hard at 35, certainly it's harder at 39, which is how old I'll be if I get PG right now and carry full term. I never wanted to be a new mom again at 40. I figured at 40, I'd have 2 small children in Pre-K and Elementary school. No more diapers or potty seats. It just seems that I'm already battling age issues. I don't see as well anymore and am looking into reading glasses and/or a bifocal. I am less patient, and this seems to get worse the older I get. I have aches and pains associated with getting older. I have friends my age, and within 10 years of my age becoming grandparents!

But then I think how lovely another one would be. And that yes we've tried and tried and have met failure, but maybe there is one more opportunity to be successful. And with Craig now done with school, we may get to move/relocate near family, so I wouldn't feel all alone.

As difficult as it is when they are young, my goodness how rewarding they are when they're older and you become more than parent and child, but friends too.

I wonder if I have the inner strength to do it all over again. I wonder if Craig does as well. He feels that in 2006, yes, that was the correct decision, having another one, but we tried... TWICE, and it didn't work. Must just not be meant to be, and how lucky we are to have the one we have. She's great, and perfect, and he's come to peace with having an only child.

I do still toss and turn over this issue, and haven't found my peace or my answer. Do I really WANT another one, or do I just like the IDEA of another one? It's a big questions, and I just don't know how to figure out the answer. Suppose time will tell. The clock will run out or I'll find myself PG and rolling with it.

It's a struggle to figure out what is right for me, for Craig, for US. I've stopped tracking my cycles, not really using that feature on FF anymore. I know when I'm fertile, and when I'm not (more or less).

I know I can get pregnant, now I wish I knew if I should.

How do you make this decision? How do you find peace with your resolve? I wish I could just say with 100% certainty that yes we want another, or no, our family is complete.

Tina Fey is Pregnant!

Just heard the Tina Fey is pregnant. This made me sad for me. Is that weird? Guess I identify with her, close in age, and our daughter's are also close in age. Like looking into a crystal ball. Is her present, my soon to be future? Still, happy for her, I guess, but was taken back by the news. I go back and forth on whether a 2nd child is the right decision for my family. It's really been a struggle to have a definite yes or no. Of course lop on sleep deprivation, that can mess with my head too.

Working for the Weekends again!! :)

Hi All! Been a busy week (love it)! Made it to FRIDAY! Woot! Another Friday, another lunch date with Hubby, except today we're "shopping" not eating. I don't much care what we do as long as we're spending time together.

It's beautiful out, and warming up, so I'm getting excited to get outside. Next week is my birthday and DH is taking me to my favorite restaurant for lunch (fancy) and then we're going out that night to see "Your Highness" while DD stays home with a babysitter. Super excited to see a R rated movie at night without kid in tow. Truly all I wanted for my birthday. lol.

Craig officially has his MBA. Got an "A" for his final project, and now we just wait for the ceremony on May 6. But he can now call him self an MBA graduate. So proud of him, and very happy to have him back on the weekends. So much is going to get done now, and a little relief when taking on the 4 year old. Won't have to keep going at it alone. :D

Oh and yes, feeling much better. Nasty Cold! It lasted about a week and a half. Still a little gunky, but not at all the same caliber as it was before.

So what's the plan for this weekend??? We're taking a load of stuff over to goodwill. Spring purging so to speak... aka take back my house! Then maybe will try "bowling" with DD for the first time. Could be fun or a disaster, not sure which. We've given up on Gymnastics. She's just not into it, and I don't have the energy to force her to go anymore. At least I'm only out the $30. Could have been much worse.

Working for the weekends again. Feels nice to be looking forward to weekend fun again. I could get used to this really fast!

Hope you all have a great Friday and fun weekends too.

Someone has the case of the Monday's

Major case of the "Monday's" today. Fell asleep (finally) at 4am, up at 7am, cold still present, so I can't breathe; at the office. Trying to focus my eyes, and they're watering like crazy. Trying to drink coffee to wake up, but my sore throat making that a challenge. Hate hate hate insomnia and hate hate hate trying to be useful and productive while being exhausted, and sick at the same time. Officially not loving this day. And it's only 10:30am. I figured I'd at least make it to lunch before being this wiped out. Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight. One can hope, right???

Lovely Lunch

Just back from a lovely lunch with my honey. We had Mexican, and it was super yummy. Today we chatted about work and life, and surprisingly, not so much about Natalya. So we're making progress. I do like this new tradition, and am happy to say date #2 a success. I'm so stuffed, probably won't eat much for dinner now. :)

It's Friday; I'm in Love!

Yes, that's right, all is well with the hub's and I. We had it out last night. An airing of grievances, and then kissed and made-up. Today we have our 2nd Friday mini lunch date and I'm really looking forward to it. At the end of the day, even when I'm the most angry, I love him and can't imagine my life without him in it. Yes, I'm still grieving my losses, and it's taking me longer to get over them, then he'd like. But it's my process, and he's now respecting my process. It's raw this week, and he now get's that. And because he get's that, he also get's "it". :)

I Love that man of mine!!!

What's up with people today???

Random but adding to my annoyed demeanor today.

On Facebook I've been playing with eating a "TWIX" but have been waiting to eat it, until I really needed it.

Today was that day.

Having a grumpy day, I finally caved and ate my TWIX candy bar. Then my husband's Aunt adds to my FB comment telling me she cleaned her toilet.

WTF??

I'm just so ticked off at people today. That was sooooo uncalled for. I responded (angry reply) that I had been dreaming of my TWIX for a few days now, and wondered had she dreamed of cleaning her toilet???

I fear this is not going to help my situation with my husband. I think it's best to just let this one go. I can't believe how angry I am/was.

I don't know. People around me having babies and getting divorces, it's all a bit overwhelming.

I love my husband, I do! I am so sad for those getting divorces, and I'm truly happy for those having babies. I don't know how I feel about me and my situation. I guess I'm confused.

I should be angry, I should be sad, I should be thankful.

It's all surreal.

Happy for her, sad for me

My co-workers very pregnant daughter just came in for a visit. She was lovely, and very pregnant. She's due in a few weeks. Again I find myself happy for her, but sad for me. Just another reminder of what could have been for me and Craig, that yet again, wasn't meant to be.

:*(

I wasn't sad, mad, or glad yesterday.

Today I am sad.

Rude awakening

Things were okay last night, a few tears shed and a veg out evening ensued. This morning, my stomach hurts. Then DH and I get in a fight over sex or his lack of getting sex from me. I'm so upset right now. I feel betrayed. I feel like just when I think he understands, he doesn't. I feel so alone right now.

I DOOOOOO want to be intimate with him. I even asked him to buy new condoms, the kind we both like. I am FERTILE at the moment and don't want to risk getting PG. We just can't for many many reasons. I want to ENJOY the sex too. Not just get him off. It's not fair. I hate feeling like this, I hate rejecting him, I hate that he presses when my awake child is in the next room watching cartoons, I hate that he sulks, and trys to make MEEEE feel like shit.

I wanted to just be in my numb self this week. And now I have this to deal with. My stomach still hurts, thank you so much ulcerative colitis, and now my heart hurts too.

So what a wonderfully crappy way to begin my day!

$&!@#$$&%*!%#@##%*&@!!!

Bought my TWIX

I'm hungry and not hungry simultaneously. Bought my TWIX, but haven't opened it. I should be eating something, but my constant snacking on crap most of today has kind of messed me up. I am watching movies at work today. Glad netflix got fixed. Finished Spinal Tap (awesome) and now watching Benjamin Button (cause I've never seen it before... so far, it's okay).

Tonight I have big plans with my DVR, and a bottle of RUM. Life can resume tomorrow.

Not Mad, Glad, or Sad

My EDD is tomorrow. It's been a stressful time with this date looming. Now that it's here, I wonder why I'm not sad. I should be in a fetal position locked up in my room watching Frasier reruns.

Yet, I'm not feeling sad and depressed.

I'm not mad either. I should be. I should be pissed off! I should be super angry for this loss, and for all my losses.

I'm not glad. I'm not in a happy place today, I'm just in a place of being.

I'm at work, I have no work to work on, I have Netflix and I have a numb butt from sitting at my desk with no activity. I am bored, yet again. I have searched for work to do, and there is nothing left to work on, so I sit here, sitting motionless, thinking, stewing...

How different today would be if I was bringing home a baby tomorrow. Would my butt also be numb? With my full womb?

Is just "being" enough? Should I tap into some emotion that is hidden under layers and layers? Am I too distant? Do I feel that I am not PG now because having another child is a task I am not capable of taking on?

I do have a short fuse. I do not want hugs and kisses. I do want to just play Zuma's Revenge, Bejeweled Blitz. I suppose, in some way, I do want to watch Frasier reruns.

I've now been through two EDD's with no bring home baby and not being PG again as I cross these dates. Maybe I'll never be PG again. Maybe that ship has sailed. Am I okay with this? I don't know. May never really know. May always have that longing for more but find peace with what I have.

I have a GREAT kid, and a wonderful husband. Sure, we all fight at times... a 4 year old is a challenge, and a husband is too some days.

But I love them unconditionally. I wouldn't want my life to be with out them with me.

So if I am cranky today, please know this may be a part of my reflection. If I don't want to cook dinner, this may be a part of my reflection. If I buy not one, but two TWIX candy bars, this may be a part of my reflection, and if I hug you tighter and kiss you all over, this too may be a part of my reflection.

Online Storytime - Alexander... Read by Judith Viorst

Empowered or Fear?

I just took a stand in my Temple Membership and Marketing Committee. It's a silly stand, and really nothing comes from it. There is renewed discussion on changing website template platforms for the temple. It was discussed previously and decided that it was not a good idea to make the switch. Fast forward 6 months and a new committee chair and suddenly we're in discussions again.

This is a bad idea. My husband said as much, but he's an "employee" of the temple, so he can say his opinion, but gets steamrolled a lot. I've been in his shoes. My last job I was the temple "employee" (different temple) and if I was resistant to a change I was a bad and difficult employee.

Now I'm not the employee but the committee member. I am a volunteer. It's a volunteer organization, and honestly, one that we will not be attached too in the future, as my husband won't be an employee there much longer, and we're probably moving far far away.

So why do I care so much? Why do I send a lengthy email to the committee stating my concerns and suggestions to again NOT go down that road.

And why now is there a huge knot in my stomach for putting myself out there? They can't fire me. I can quit the committee. I can stop caring about the temple and future administrators. That's for the future generations to battle.

I so want people to hear me, and accept that what I have to say, what I have to offer matters.

They may all end up jumping all over me and telling me I suck. Honestly, that would be fine. Would make quitting the committee easier.

So then I ask... why the stomach knots?

Am I empowered for stating my mind, or fearful of rejection and not winning this battle. And so what if I lose? So what if I win.

It's small stuff and I'm sitting here sweating it.

I know better.

Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's ALL small stuff.

Family! Can't choose them!

Family! :rolling my eyes: I'm having a day today. Just "one of those days" kind of day. My cousin decides to point out, "at least you're not in Japan." REALLY? Is that at all helpful or supportive. Yeah, it's crap in Japan, but does that mean I can't have emotions about "my" day? grumble....

and end Rant!

Learn How To Do YOUR Job - Part II

FAST FORWARD TWO WEEKS!

OMG, she (co-worker that took my old team and portfolio spot) is STILL asking me for this. I am DONE. Do your own work and if you don't know how, LEARN TO DO IT! We have training at this company for these circumstances. I WILL NOT DO THIS FOR YOU I HAVE MY OWN WORK TO GET DONE ON MY NEW TEAM/PORTFOLIO!!!!

Rant over. Sheesh!

1 down 2 to go!

My AF is on her way out, and I'm so happy. She's being kind, which tells me the surgery worked and was worth it. Didn't have to take any pain meds of any kind, and she's spotting at the exit door as we speak, so normal cycle, normal flow pattern. Woot!

Have to wait 2 more cycles then can TTC officially again. That puts us in May/June time frame.

Hope everyone is ok. My EDD is next week, and I guess I'm coping by distraction. Don't know if that's wise or not, but that's what I'm doing. It's hard as the day fast approaches (3-23), as well as seeing others in my Due Date groups now having their babies, or about to have their babies. I'm truly happy for them, but can't help think how different my life today would be if I was due to deliver a baby next week myself.

Anyway, no time for a pity party, I have work to do! I can wallow in my self pitty sorrows next week when it's dead at the office.

AF is here, let the countdown to TTC begin!

AF is here. I'm encouraged as my cycle was 29 days long, 2/8/11 - 3/8/11. Much better than last time. Now hopefully the # of days bleeding will be no more than a week. Less than a week is fine too.

Thus officially ends cycle 1 of 3. 2 more to go!!!

Woot


Now........


where did I put that chocolate????

Learn how to do YOUR job!

OMG... >:( co-worker annoyance vent.

The girl that took over my old territory hasn't been doing her state reporting and just tried to get me to do her work! There is about 6 files that need to be researched and reported and they all came in during January 2011 for stuff that happened month's before that. I was no longer with that territory as of 12/20/2010, therefore any and all requests for these that came in after I left that territory are HER responsibility to do. Not Mine! I have enough I'm responsible for. Seriously, do your own work!

Sorry, it's been festering in me, I needed to vent. Just hate lazy employees who lack knowledge and professionalism and try to get everyone else to do their work under the statement, "but i don't know how to do these, can you just do them for me?" NO! Get the training you obviously are lacking and learn how to do YOUR job!

>:(
>:(
>:(

(thinking AF may be coming... I'm in a mood)